Don't cry, Mama

...have a banana (pronouned "manama").

Today we went to the park to enjoy the first sunshine we've had here in Atlanta in days, despite the chill in the air that remains.  We enjoyed watching L play t-ball, tossing football and chatting with other parents of little ones.  Afterwards, we took a drive North of our neighborhood a little to explore and see what homes might be for sale and what neighborhoods meet our needs.  We didn't find any home-runs, but the time was worth it, and we saw a few places that intrigued us.  L began to grow increasingly restless and began to speak in a tone that was loud, demanding and well, rude.  "I need ice, now."  "Open this, now, Mama."  are examples of the orders he was delivering to us.  When I didn't respond to his beck and call, he promptly decided to get my attention another way...by throwing his sippy cup football style directly at me, hitting me square the shoulder.  It actually hurt which shocked me almost as much as the flying H2O.  We scolded him as best you can in a moving vehicle and moved on.  Five minutes later the scenario was repeated.  We were both angered now and only 5 minutes from home, which allowed us to warn, "you are in trouble.  When we get home you will be punished."  The timer had to be reset 4 times while L was in the naughty spot because he kept getting out and teasing us with his continued misbehavior.  Needless to say, I was emotionally spent after the ordeal and L seemed more concerned with what he might eat for dinner than a genuine apology at the end doing his "time."

I went into the other room to bang a few things around to try to calm down.  M heard me and asked, "are you alright?"  I said, "no."  I began to cry and went out to get some consolation in the form of a hug from my husband.  L finally began to be concerned for me and said repeatedly, "you alright, mama?"  When M told him that he had made me cry and I explained further to M that I felt sad and frustrated when L's behavior was so negative and astray from the polite, mannerly and kind boy we are trying to raise, they both wrapped me in a hug and rubbed my back.  L looked at me in all seriousness and said, "don't cry, Mama; have a manama."  He reached up to the fruit bowl and tried to get one for me.

As mothers we take too much responsibility.  We feel too much guilt.  We expect too much of our kids and husbands sometimes because we are such perfectionists ourselves.

I know it wasn't my fault that L threw a sippy cup.  I think I am a pretty good mother who strives and puts effort into discipline in the form of prevention, redirection, and natural consequences.  I am a former preschool teacher.  I know two year olds throw things, yell, demand and are generally unruly at times.  It's age appropriate.  Sometimes I just need a hug (and a banana) to remind me.

Sometimes I miss my old life...

and I am not ashamed to say it.

Tonight we are having our first date night in over a month.  The babysitter will be here shortly and then we'll be headed to our 5:45 dinner reservation.  Yes, you read that right.  Five friggen forty five.  With the blue hairs (no offense to the friends- many of you- I have that fall into that category or are growing close to).  Why that ungodly early hour before I will even be hungry, before anyone we could possibly relate to will be dining with us, and even without a child, which often does necessitate that hour?  Because we want to actually do more than eat on this date.  We'd like to see a movie.  AT THE THEATER.  Can't remember the last time we did that.  I might have been pregnant.  Scary.  Additionally, my husband would appreciate me doing more than throwing on sweats as soon as we get home and diving into bed, hopeful that I will fall asleep quickly (something that doesn't generally happen since my insomnia two years ago), and praying that L might sleep until 7...OK, God, I will settle for 6:30.  So, knowing that I will likely be up 1-3 times in the night to rock L back to sleep (yes, I know, he slept better as an infant than he does as a toddler and it stinks), I refuse to get home later than 10.  Fitting in driving time, dinner, a movie, and you-know-what will require said early dinner.

I miss my old life.  I wasn't a crazy partier anytime in the last decade.  But, I did have fun.  I traveled.  I went to movies, shows, dinner when 7pm was an early reservation.  I went out for drinks after.  I didn't get hungover from two glasses of wine.  I didn't worry about not being able to sleep past 6am and then not getting a nap because the day I come home too late the night before will be the day that my son "forgets" to rest in the afternoon.  I miss not paying $14 a ticket for a movie and then paying a babysitter $13 an hour during that movie so I can watch a show that is just so-so.

I don't regret my son.  I don't wish for any life different than the one I am living right now.  Sometimes I just need to vent.  And maybe a hotel room for a night- we'll work on that.  

Cheers @5pm!

When Life Hands You Lemons

When I checked out one of my favorite PPD blogs, All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something, I was so excited to see that  I was awarded with “When Life Hands You Lemons” blog award. Thank you, thank you, Kimberly!

The rules for this award are simple:
I am to thank the giver of the award and link to their blog (see above).   I am supposed to share 5 things about myself.  And I am supposed to link to 5 new blogging recipients of my choosing and notify them.

Here goes….
1.  I think I am Italian even though I don't have one single % of Italian blood that I am aware of.  My stepmother and husband are both Italian to the core and I have picked up on the traditions, the culture and the "Amore" over the years!  
2. When I was in Elementary School I was absolutely convinced that I would be the first female president of the U.S.  I was passionate about politics from a young age and I loved Ronald Reagan and what he stood for as much then as I do now, as an adult.  I regularly wrote him letters, beginning at age 6.
3.  I had a Seinfeld experience once.  My former cleaning lady stole a cashmere sweater from my closet and proceeded to wear it to clean my house a couple of weeks later.  Needless to say it was the last time I saw her.  Weird.
4.  I have had some bizarre experiences meeting celebrities over the years.  None of them were memorable in a good way.  Go figure.  They really are famous for a reason...they're strange.
5. My grandfather's name was Jesse James.  I named my son after him.  He was my hero.  He lived until he was 93 years old.  I miss him deeply.

Here are a few of my fave bloggers right now (please forgive me for listing more than 5):

Rediscovering Domesticity

2 Much Testosterone

The Whining Puker

The Crazy Baby Mama

New Mum Over 40

Never Be the Same

Pretty Swell

Does Facebook help to prevent/lessen the effects of PPD?

In my last post, I mentioned social networking has become in my opinion a very common method of disseminating personal information, including information about pregnancy, birth, mood, and more.  That comment was certainly not meant to directly put-down anyone who is comfortable with or even delights in the ability to share such "good news" so quickly and efficiently with hundreds of other people.  I do think we would all agree, though, that the ability to do so has impacted the way we relate to one another and especially has taken some of the privacy and intimacy of relationships and removed it from our daily life.  Not much seems to be confidential anymore and even if you don't post something on Facebook or twitter about your personal life, there is no real way to stop someone else from doing so.  A friend recently told me that she was feverishly deleting wall posts on her Facebook profile last month after learning the gender of her baby.  She told a few people via email, text and telephone this news, but once it spread people began posting words of congratulations on her wall.  She had intentionally not shared the info this way because she felt it was a bit impersonal and wanted to be sure all of her close friends learned directly from her.  She wasn't upset with those who shared their kind words publicly- how could they know she would prefer they not do so?  But, she was disappointed that she had no way to prevent it from continuing to happen. 

Just three years ago when I was pregnant with L, I joined a website that helped me track my pregnancy and my baby's growth online.  I got a weekly email with a little photo of a baby at my baby's gestational age that also had a paragraph or so of info about what was happening with me in-utero that week.  That was about as "virtual" as sharing my pregnancy got.  Now, just three years later, there are thousands of websites designed for pregnant and new moms, likely tens of thousands of mommy blogs, hundreds or maybe even thousands of message boards and online groups for mommies and social networking tools like Facebook are used by nearly everyone I know, including my friends parents. 

Blogging, which I began in 2008, has certainly been a blessing for me.  Even though there is little interaction directly with people as a result of my blog (a comment or two every couple of posts), just knowing that others are reading what I write and most importantly that I am able to share openly in this way is helpful and has always been.  The approach I take at Beyond Postpartum is to combine a resource for information, education, research and facts about PMDs with my personal story, sort of like a journal.  This combination is good for me because I know that I am helping others by sharing the facts and news and also hopefully by sharing my own ups and downs, which may allow moms to feel less alone in their own journey. 

The additional virtual relationships that are now available, just a couple of years later, make me wonder...if I had my 300+ Facebook friends, twitter  tweeps, blog followers, and online mommy groups in the early months postpartum would it have changed anything?  Would I have felt less isolated and alone in the Fall and Winter of 2007 if I had a place to go to chat with people I knew well and not so well 24 hours a day?  Would I have felt more in touch with reality just by reading others' status updates, tweets and checking out their photos of recent adventures while I was "trapped" in my tiny house feeding and diapering a crying baby around the clock?  Maybe.  I think it's possible.  What do you think?

Update on Feedblitz

A couple of days ago I realized that Feedblitz was no longer successfully delivering updates to those who have subscribed to Beyond Postpartum.  If you'd like to catch up on what I have written lately, here is a link to my two most recent posts:

Nanny Mama Drama

Part Two: 2010 updates in the life of Atlantamom, etc.

I apologize for any inconvenience and I do believe that delivery has resumed for my blog posts.  As always, thanks for caring about women with Perinatal Mood Disorders and showing that you care by reading this blog.

Part Two: 2010 updates in the life of Atlantamom, etc.

As I type this I consider my whole dilemma when it comes to the changes that have happened in the three short years since my pregnancy.  Sure, lots has happened in my personal life, but what I am really talking about is right here on the web.  When I became pregnant it was taboo to announce such personal info via email unless you like never saw or telephoned that person.  Now, the MOST COMMON way to announce your pregnancy seems to be via the social networking tools we all (including me) have become addicted accustomed to.  Each day it seems that someone I know tweets, updates their Facebook Status, or blogs about their pregnancy.  Based upon the comments, both people they know well and people they've never even met offer their virtual congratulations and share in the surprise of the news.

I am not, I repeat AM NOT, pregnant.  I don't know how I will handle announcing that to friends, family and the like when/if that time comes.  I am praying that I will come up with a plan sometime between now and then and be able to feel comfortable with whatever I decide after the fact.  But, I digress, that's not what this post is about.

Picking up on the hope theme from my last post, I feel like it is important to share what is going on with me on the "thinking about, considering, having another baby sometime in the future" front.  And as a side note, I feel like I shouldn't be very nervous about announcing a pregnancy that hasn't even happened yet on FB when I am about to share some I haven't even told my family half of this super personal stuff here.

So here's the deal.  I'm coming clean and I don't even have 24 hours til this is scheduled to post to chicken out.  I have seen all but one of my doctors (Dr. Arnold will soon be back on speed dial, but isn't yet) in preparation for preparation for TTC.  My OB-GYN is super excited that his prediction and encouragement about having a second child will likely be a reality for the Pulines.  He gave me the physical go ahead to have my IUD removed when I am ready.  Emotionally, we talked about my high risk for PPD recurrence and both decided that I am in good hands as a preventative rather than treatment strategy this time around.  We'll monitor my emotional state throughout any future pregnancy and will evaluate options, including medication, if needed.  Chances are I will have to have another C-section, though he is totally open to letting me try VBAC.  Since I didn't dilate the first time and since L was HUGE, chances are that even if I do go into labor naturally (they can't induce a VBAC), I may not successfully vaginally deliver.  Our plan, which is much more conservative than I initially imagined, is to emotionally prepare for another Cesarean.  If all the stars align (baby appears to be 7 lbs or less, is head-down, I am up for it, etc.) then we'll see if I go into labor by somewhere close to my due date.  If not, then I will have a PLANNED (can you say Hallelujah?), as opposed to "Emergency, after 46 hours of labor" c-section on a reasonable date.  Trust me when I tell you that this Hypnobirthing, "I would rather give birth at home in a tub," Mama never, ever thought I would be considering any of this, but let's face it, my unrealistic expectations screwed me last time and I WILL NOT be screwed over twice, darn it!  I have to be honest with myself ahead of time so I am not disappointed in the end.  And, I have to be realistic.  I can't have my hopes dashed again by planning a crunchy, natural VBAC if it's unlikely.  However, this post serves as an open invitation for all the ICAN representatives on the planet to offer their (positive and helpful) insight into how I can increase my chances of VBAC.  Heck, I am willing to try almost anything including voodoo like walking one block ten miles a day and eating cereal dandelion root soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Oh, and while I am at it, let this also serve as an open invitation to the La Leche League and all you other lactivists out there to give me support on how to make breastfeeding work for me this time around.  (I know The Fearless Formula Feeder will have my back if I need her.) That is if you can...Figure out how I can increase my breast size so I actually have a breast to hold and position into the mouth of my babe instead of the air and foam that fill my 34A bra regularly.  Predict whether my baby has a cow's milk allergy and a host of other allergies that include just about anything nutritious I can stomach postpartum.  Determine how I won't lose 25 lbs in 4 days and go to the hospital where I won't be given heart medication that is contraindicated while nursing and have to bottle-feed my baby for 24 hours while I pump and dump with a hand pump around the clock to try to avoid mastitis which I don't do successfully.  Insure that my baby won't refuse the breast forever after being given anything that looks like something other than my nipple.  Guarantee that my baby won't weigh 10% of my body weight at it's birth and won't be hungrier than an angry lion for the days while I wait for my milk to come in, etc., etc.  I'll stop here though I could give about a dozen more examples of the odds that were stacked against me the first time around, not including childbirth interventions that I fought against the first 36 hours of labor and finally succumbed to like an epidural, pitocin, and eventually a c-section, all of which aren't exactly breast-feeding friendly experiences.  Look, I'm not defending my eventual decision to stop the pumping and bottle-feeding of breastmilk after 5 weeks of doing so around the clock on less than 2 hours sleep.  But, I will tell you that no one wanted to breastfeed, I mean really nurse (at the breast), more than me.  I had hooter-hiders, pumps, storage bags, boppys, My Breastfriends, and more nursing supplies than one can imagine in my possession before L even entered this world.  Trust me when I tell you that it still breaks my heart to see most of that stuff never was removed from it's packaging.  So, offer helpful advice at will, milky mamas, it's welcome here...just be nice, please.

So, where does that leave us?  Well, for now, we are waiting to sell our house (we haven't even put it on the market yet, people) and buy a new BIGGER one, make some personal decisions about business opportunities, and get me fully healthy (I have been having some unexplained abdominal pain that I want to figure out before inviting another human being to live in that general area for 9 or so months) before we remove my beloved IUD.  In the meantime, I have a lot of work to do to continue preparing myself emotionally for the journey that may be ahead.  More on that later this week...

Nanny Mama Drama

Though my inbox is filled with hundreds of google alerts that contain, I am sure, lots of good news and research related to perinatal mood disorders, I feel like I would be remiss if I didn't update my fellow survivor mamas and those who care for them on my life lately.  This blog is not intended to be a personal journal, but I promised all of you early on that I would be real in my writing and in sharing my journey through and out of my PPD.  To keep that promise, I want to make sure that I update each couple of months and let you know where (and how) I am.

I won't bore you with the details of our frigid trip to Florida, our quiet Christmas-for-three at home (first time ever!), or my husband's "new year pneumonia".  But, I do think I would be remiss if I did not choose to share some snippets from life in the land of Atlanta PPD Mom (aka Atlantamom, atlantamom930, Ams, Mama, and Bones- don't ask).

You've read some tales of the comings and going of our nannies before, if you've been a long-time reader.  We are at another cross-roads in that department again, as our current nanny, L. begins her own journey into full-time, SAHM-hood.  What she had at our house was as close as you can get to that (she brought her son with her when she came to watch L., which was generally three times a week).  Her son, almost one, is a bit less adaptable than she had hoped and doesn't eat or sleep well anywhere outside of his nest.  Knowing how OBSESSED I was with sleep (and consequently L.'s eating habits which I believed were directly related to his sleep), I totally get where she's coming from when she becomes a nervous wreck after a napless and practically foodless day.  She is anxiously anticipating next week which will be her last as our nanny, so that she can focus on her little world of her home and son and enjoy her simple life.  I applaud her for her honesty (and frankly for wanting to be a SAHM- God bless those women who don't need time to themselves like ever, cause I ain't one of 'em!).

Ok, so I promised to make this brief and it's already not...sorry!  Long story LONG, Nanny L. has opened up and shared some reflections about her time with us (which included her entire pregnancy and almost a full year of her son's life) as she closes this chapter to her life.  L. shared with me recently that she feels her entire pregnancy would have been different if someone had told her that there was another side to the chronic severe morning sickness she experienced in the first half of her pregnancy.  She had it bad, if I am honest, and vomited nearly everything she ingested for many weeks.  I frankly don't know how she chased after my one year old, all that time, while feeling so ill.  I never knew when she was going through it how hopeless she felt.  Having never been pregnant before, she didn't know that this change in her digestive system wasn't a permanent one.  How silly of me for not telling her, that yes indeed it would get better and she would eventually feel like herself again!  This is not a blog about severe morning sickness, though if you are looking for one, The Whining Puker is fantastic.  It is however a blog about hope for the hopeless.  What a parallel this story about a mom being scared and lonely in her sickness, feeling like she'd never feel better and wondering how she would care for herself and her child if she didn't is to how one feels when in the midst of PPD.  I felt that way too, and even though someone did tell me I would get better I didn't believe it.  That said, I still needed to hear it.  Thanks for the reminder, Nanny L.  Lest I forget that everyone, in every situtation needs a little (or a lot) of hope.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's update- I'll be sharing about the little piece of wheat I've been gnawin' on...

FDA, HMOs to Analyze Medication Effects on 1 Million U.S. Births

WebMD reports, "...the Medication Exposure in Pregnancy Risk Evaluation Program (MEPREP)...is a collaboration between the FDA, Kaiser Permanente, Vanderbilt University (using Tennessee Medicaid data), and a consortium of HMOs called the HMO Research Network Center for Education and Research in Therapeutics (managed by Harvard University).
 
The study will analyze health care data on about 1 million U.S. births from 2001 to 2007. The idea is to gather information on all medications prescribed for pregnant women and to look for health effects and birth outcomes."

The MOTHERS Act now passed in Senate version of Healthcare Reform!

Susan Dowd Stone at Perinatal Pro reports...
"The MOTHERS Act has been successfully included and passed in the Senate version of The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act !

The Senator’s office will now continue to work closely with House advocates to ensure it remains in the reconciled version of the bill which will then be presented to Congress for final passage.


If you are interested in reading the bill’s specific language, you can go to this link and click on “Full Text of Bill as Passed”. The language referencing The MOTHERS Act initiatives can be found on pages 595-604, section 2952 “Support Education and Research for Postpartum Depression”.


As The MOTHERS Act has always enjoyed great and nearly unanimous support in the U.S. House of Representatives, there is every reason to assume a successful outcome as the bills merge for final consideration and passage. Now is a great time to add your name to the petition to amplify the deafening drumbeat of support as our position strengthens."

US University Collaboration Suggests Antidepressants May Change Personality, Leading To Reduced Depression

This study, which was written about at Medical News Today, reports that antidepressants may indeed change long-term negative personality traits...One researcher states,"Our findings lead us to propose a new model of antidepressant mechanism," said lead author Tony Z. Tang of Northwestern University. "Our data suggests that modern antidepressants work partly by correcting key personality risk factors of depression."

Since 6-18 months is a typical duration for antidepressant treatment for PPD, this research seems especially applicable.  Certainly the aspect of neurotocism in terms of rigidity, high expectations, negativity and a more anxious personality are risk factors for PPD.  If these particular characteristics are effectively treated long-term, even well past tapering off of SSRIs, then I wonder if (and hope that) subsequent bouts of depression may be lessened in severity if PPD was treatly appropriately and for a significant enough length of time with antidepressants when experienced initially. 

As always, this piece reinforces the fact that therapy, in addition to anti-depressants, is the most effective form of treatment and also yields the best results long-term. Yet another reason for PPD advocates to get on their bandwagons and encourage PCPs and Obstetricians to screen for PPD and THEN REFER patients to physicians who specialize in Perinatal Mood Disorders!  Simply prescribing medication is often ineffective or less effective because the (PCP or OB-GYN) prescriber may not be best suited in drug matching to patient make-up or simply because the patient does not seek out therapy once she receives the medication.  Regardless, I will always recommend to those for whom I provide peer support that they seek a specialist, at least initially, so that the best and fastest results are the most likely.  (Caveat- if you cannot afford to or will choose not to seek additional treatment past your OB appt. or PCP visit, then some treatment is often better than none, so go ahead and try your doctor's suggested treatment, with caution.)