A Survivor Mama shares about her challenging adjustment to Motherhood

Tell us about you- what was your adult life was like prior to having a baby?

In my pre-baby days, I essentially did what I wanted, when I wanted, and enjoyed having a lot of flexibility in my life. I was always involved in a variety of different things and enjoyed balancing everything. Marrying in my 30s, I had developed a lifestyle that I was comfortable with enjoyed. I became very accustomed to having control over how I spent my days and really didn't realize how much I took this flexibility for granted until my daughter was born... So what probably surprised me the most after having my daughter was the immediate loss of control and balance in my life. All of a sudden, I was on someone else's schedule and I was doing the same mindless tasks all day everyday.

Tell us about your pregnancy...was it planned? Was it eventful or pretty standard?

My husband and I found out we were pregnant about 6 months after our wedding. We had planned to wait a year after getting married to start planning for a family, so we were quite surprised that our plan didn't happen as expected and we got pregnant as soon as we did. We have always wanted to have children, but we also wanted to experience some new things and do some travelling before children came into the picture. The first thing I actually said when I first found out that I was pregnant was, "I guess I'm never going to Australia." I should have known then that there might be some issues concerning fears about unfulfilled dreams to come...

My pregnancy itself was pretty uneventful. Physically and mentally I felt terrific throughout most of my pregnancy. I had no health issues, no feelings of anxiety or depression, and continued to do most of the things that I'd always done, including exercising almost daily. I was incredibly excited about the arrival of my daughter and had no anxiety about how her arrival would potentially change my life. I was totally clueless about what was about to happen to our lives.  

You've dealt with postpartum depression and anxiety. When did you first feel that something was not "right" with you?

There was not one moment that I felt that things "weren't right", but instead a gradual feeling that I didn't seem to enjoy being a new mom as much as everyone else seemed to...

First of all, I ended up having an emergency c-section and while I wasn't upset about having the thought of delivering my daughter this way, the actual experience was very unpleasant and somewhat upsetting for me. I had also hoped to start breastfeeding right after my daughter was born (mostly because that's what everyone told me I should do), but recovering from the c-section delayed my ability to start this seemingly important "bonding" activity with my daughter right away.

Although not for lack of effort, the breastfeeding just never worked for us. After hundreds of painful and upsetting (for both my daughter and I!) attempts, countless consultations with lactation specialists, and finally a surgical procedure on my daughter's tongue to try to help her latch better, we had still gotten nowhere with the breastfeeding. After going through all of this, I hadn't had the most pleasant and enjoyable start to mothering. Maybe all of this planted some of the initial seeds of feeling unsuccessful in my role as a mother, as well as preventing me from enjoying the experience as much as I'd hoped...

A few months in, everyone kept asking me if having my daughter was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me, and I was just so exhausted, worn down and unhappy that I started to think that maybe being a mother was just not what I was meant to do. During my maternity leave (I was planning to return to full-time work), I attended many playgroups looking to meet other new moms with babies around the same age, and while I was hoping for honest conversation and the ability to commiserate with other mothers, I actually experienced the opposite. Everyone talked about how much they were loving being a new mother, and how lucky they felt to stay at home. Hearing this over and over made me feel even worse about my own experience as a new mom and seemed to confirm that there was something wrong with me - why wasn't I enjoying this experience like everyone else was?? I eventually stopped attending these groups since they were making me feel worse, and started spending more time alone with my daughter again. This time at home, alone and between the four walls of my house was incredibly isolating and lonely and dug me even deeper into my feelings of sadness.

What symptoms did you experience and how did you deal with them?

The primary emotions that I experienced were sadness and anger. I cried frequently, and also flew off the handle at a drop of a hat. Depending on my current mood, the same experience or emotion could either send me flying towards anger and sadness, yelling or crying... The feelings would build up inside me for a while and then just erupt, often unfairly directed at my husband... I didn't want my daughter to see me cry or get upset, but sometimes I just couldn't hold it in until I was out of her sight. Often, many feelings of guilt followed, ashamed of my outbursts and afraid how they would impact my daughter.

How has your husband been through the postpartum period and what role has he had in dealing with your PMD?

I think that my PPD experience truly changed how my husband viewed depression. He suddenly saw his rational, "tough" wife on an out-of-control roller coaster, overwhelmed by her emotions and the experience that she was going through. I know that I scared him to death, and made him understand the severity of my feelings, when I told him on multiple occasions that I didn't know what I had to look forward to in my current life and was unsure if I wanted to continue living, being so unhappy with my current role. If my life was only going to be more of the same, I didn't want it. Hearing me talk this way, he highly encouraged me to talk to a therapist and seek out avenues of support wherever I could. I started to see a therapist and attended a support group, both of which my husband has been very supportive and encouraging about.

After suffering from a PMD, how will you think differently about future pregnancies (including whether to have more children)?

After the experience that I have had, I still often wonder if motherhood is for me... I have always loved children and absolutely adore my daughter, but the tedious, never-ending work required of taking care of a baby/young child, hour after hour, day after day is not the most enjoyable to me. I often wonder if it will eventually get easier or if it will eventually become more fulfilling for me as my daughter gets older.

I always imagined having 2 children, but wonder if having another child would make me even unhappier. With two kids would I be spending twice as much time doing all of these tedious things for TWO children, and having even less time to do anything for myself?

I really do want my daughter to have a sibling so she can have that special relationship throughout her life. I really don't want her to be an only child. And so I wonder, does it make more sense to have another child when you're already used to the baby craziness? Or, if we wait until my daughter is older to have another child, would it be another complete shock to the system to return to this intensive baby stage? How would I manage going through it all a second time?

Is faith a part of your life? If so, how has that been impacted by a PMD and how did it impact how you dealt with your depression?

Faith does not really play a significant role in my or my husband's life, but maybe if we were more religious, our faith would provide some support and greater "meaning" to the challenges that we are going through? I am always envious of people who can use their strong faith to help them get through and find meaning in difficult times.

This is YOUR question to create- this is where you get to share a little about what makes you tick...

My question: How has your "free time" been most affected since having a baby? Playing sports has always played a very significant role in my life and pregnancy and being a new mother has limited my level of athletic involvement. I didn't enjoy being limited in my ability to move my body while I was pregnant, and couldn't wait to resume all of the physical (fitness) activities that have always been so important to me once my daughter was born. Once the physical obstacles of pregnancy were over, it was very difficult to have to deal with the time limitations of my "new" life. Physical activity has always been as much a mental outlet for me as a physical release, and not having the opportunity to exercise as much as I was used to (and maybe need?) was almost like I had cut back on critical therapy. I knew that my ability to get in frequent exercise was not a special "extra" part of my day, but a critical time for me to have so that I could handle all of the stressors in my life. 

What do you wish you had known about Perinatal Mood Disorders before you experienced one?
I really wish I had known how prevalent PMDs are among new mothers. I had heard a little bit about PPD from friends while I was pregnant; they told me that if I had the "baby blues" after having my daughter that I shouldn't be ashamed to go look for support. But I really didn't think that this type of experience happened to "normal" women. I envisioned that it was women with a history of severe depression and mental health issues who experienced PPD. PPD was never discussed in my family, and after hearing for years how much my mother loved being a full-time mom made me feel ashamed of the feelings that I was experiencing.  

If you could only share one message or piece of advice with a pregnant or new mom, what would it be?

I would tell pregnant women or new moms that NO ONE, no matter what they say, has it easy taking care of a baby or raising a young child. People might act like it's all "puppy dogs and ice cream" and claim they love every second of being a mom, but all moms have times when they feel completely overwhelmed and experience doubt about motherhood.

PPD is not like Chuck E. Cheese

Today I was wasting time searching for content on Facebook and I came across the status update of a friend.  It read, "____________ is getting ready for Chuck E Cheese! Where a kid can be a kid . . . and where a husband can be a kid, too!"  It got me thinking.  And the thinking got me realizing.  Postpartum Depression robs you not only of so many potential joys of motherhood (and if we're honest of almost everything else good in those awful weeks or months), but also of the ability to be a kid.  When I think of the best parents, the most successful and respected and coveted parents, I think of parents who know how to enjoy.  I mean really enjoy parenthood.  It doesn't mean that they confuse their role with being friends with their children or that they don't focus on discipline, but it does mean that they are able to get down to their child's level, whatever age they may be, and participate.  They can pretend to be a firetruck, a train, a ballerina, a princess or anything else with ease.  They don't mind reading the same story for the fifteenth time and they don't even clock the redundancy of the night-time routine by the time their child is two...they don't notice it.  Why?  They are too busy having fun.  And bathtime isn't boring when they are creating new and exciting adventures in that water each night.  When they laugh with their child it is a genuine belly laugh.  It's because they really are happy.  


Childhood and I aren't exactly friends.  I had a pretty rough upbringing filled with custody battles, abuse, neglect and substance abuse.  I'm not complaining...I had AWESOME grandparents and my father and stepmother were also a part of my life to offer balance...and despite all the rest had some great cultural experiences, got a good education, and turned out okay.  But, being "raised" by an alcoholic, mentally ill, single mom meant I did more of the parenting than she did.  I took calls from collection agencies at 8.  Started doing my own cooking and laundry at six.  Tried to negotiate my parents' custody battles from birth (practically).  Sure, I took a couple months of gymnastics here, ballet there, and karate there.  But, overall my early years didn't look much like I hope L's will.  The carefree confidence that your parents will take care of things, and do so well, was not something that I was raised with, and that was probably partially what motivated me to do whatever it took to recover from PPD.  Of course I didn't want my child to grow up with a crazy, incapable mother...I knew too well what that looked like and how bad it sucked.  


You see, not only did I have PPD to contend with in those early days postpartum, but I had my whole childhood, adult personality and the rest of it, too.  I had never learned to be a kid myself.  How was I supposed to teach this little guy how to be one?  My rigid, inflexible, black-and-white personality, all developed and perfected through my non-childhood put me at great risk of experiencing a (or all of the) perinatal mood disorder(s).  Learning to be a mother takes patience, grace, forgiveness, flexibility and a lot of other skills that aren't exactly my forte.  Having postpartum depression makes that task about a thousand times harder.  


Tonight, I watched my son and husband play in the bath.  L laughed til he cried as he watched M re-enact a story from Thomas the Train with some rubber squirty toys.  The bathtub tidal wave was about the funniest thing either of my boys had ever seen.  They were having a blast without any effort at all.  It comes naturally to them.  I'll have to work a little harder at it, but I am determined to learn to be a kid.  Thirty-three is not too late to learn, is it?

Not Me Monday: Invisible Umbilical Cord or Super Sonic Eyeball Sniffing Power?

As you all know from my recent posts crazy two-year old little adorable and sweet L has had some sleeping issues for what seems like FOREVER the last little while.  I have definitely NOT read so many sleep books that my eyes have crossed and that I get confused as to who said what to and what not to do.  I have also most certainly not consistently wavered on my consistency in using said methods.  Nope, not me.  I always remember not to pick up and rock L incessantly when he cries in the night.  In my middle of the night, I have been woken up for the fourth time in five hours delirium I NEVER, I mean never, stumble into his bedroom and rock him until I am almost unconscious myself to ensure that the little bugger is really asleep before I gently, ever-so-carefully tediously lay him back down in his crib (which def. doesn't have a tent on top of it to keep from him falling out of bed, which of course never happened in the past).  And last week, I did not do this so slowly at 3am that I tore all of the muscles in my lower back which incapacitated me and ruined my husband's day off from work as we spent it at the Urgent Care Center.  And of course, I did not pay my nanny to watch L so my husband could then go buy a new microwave and I could take muscle relaxers and watch soap operas while I iced my back.  Nope, not me...that wouldn't happen in my house!

So for three nights in a row (not last night though- we had a candy night- hooray!) I awoke exactly 100 seconds before I heard L cry in the middle of the night.  As I lay there trying to get back to sleep after I had gotten him back to sleep I began to wonder.  What is it that is responsible for this phenomenon?  I mean why exactly would either a) I sense that my son was about to awaken even through 2 closed doors and over the sound of a white noise machine that is set to a volume close to that of an aircraft carrier or b) L sense that I had awakened and take advantage of awake Mama to cry and get a little middle of the night 'nuggling in?  I've got a couple of theories...

The first is that all children are born with two umbilical cords.  One is the visible blood-filled one that gets cut right after birth.  The other one is an invisible infinitely long one that is connected forever to Mama and has super-hero like abilities, like sending messages as to when mom is awake in the night, about to blow a fuse, wants to watch only five minutes of TV or read a good magazine article at which time it triggers a spontaneous calling for her from child.

The other theory was developed by my former nanny.  It's pretty simple.  Small children have incredible abilities.  Specifically smelling abilities.  They can smell our eyeballs the moment a mama opens her lids.

 

Either way, I have basically given up getting a good nights sleep until either a) I am an old lady of like 95 and I live in a little house on the beach with my girlfriends and we take up smoking cigarettes and heavy drinking or b) I am dead.

How dumb do they think we are?

Yesterday I had had it with with the gall of people contacting me to harass me in the hopes of receiving free advertising for their illegal online prescription drug operation "partner" with my blog.  After a phone conversation that resulted from nearly 6 weeks of emailing with someone who did not disclose their title at a very well-known pregnancy website (which also happens to have published one of the most well-read books on pregnancy of all time), I was up to my ears in frustration.  Why?  Because I spent too many minutes of my life that I could have been reading trash and drinking wine or ahem, working doing something productive interacting with this dude.  After lots of emails that had gone straight to the deleted file over the past few months, when I got his I almost followed suit.  But, seeing as to how it was this "super reputable and well known" company and all and they didn't just ask for a blogroll exchange outright as most of these moochers do, I decided to respond.  Gave this guy phone numbers, best times to call, the works.  Cause you know, how bad could it be to "partner" with this company and get the word out about PPD?  It's not like I was promoting an unknown product...I had read their book when I was expecting (hint, hint).  Anyways, SO this dude goes on vacation and is sure to email me before giving me his vacation schedule, where he's going, writing personal stuff like what we have in common...and I am thinking ok, maybe this company and this dude really do want to get some comprehensive and accurate PPD info on their site...you know, more than like one article that barely touches on the topic.  So here we are 3 weeks later and Dude emails in what must have been the moment his butt touched his chair after his two week holiday.  I happen to be online at the time and respond immediately that he can call me tomorrow at such and such time and number.  "Great!," he says.


So yesterday, about 15 minutes after the end time I give him to call my cell (not the work line I asked him to call me on) rings.  "Helllllloooo?"  "Amber, this is ____ calling from _______ how are ya?"  "Oh, sorry for the shocked answer, but I thought you were going to call me at work."  So he's all super apologetic and I'm all like whatever; get to the point; do you want to make _______.com a PPD website or what?  So Dude quickly goes into a speil about "free banner advertising" for my products and website (Um, hello...I don't sell products and I don't have a website.  What I do makes me $0.00 a year and actually I spend hundreds of dollars doing it, not including the value of my free time, which of course I am completely blessed by and have chosen of my free will to do.)  Conversation then moves to "um, no the moms who come to my site who range from being mildly depressed or anxious after pregnancy/childbirth to looking for the nearest impatient unit to check in so they don't follow through on their suicidal ideations probably don't give a hoot about your site since you DON'T HAVE ANY PPD INFO THERE!"  Alright, you know me too well, I said it much more graciously than that, but STILL!


After my little diatribe, Dude mumbles something about emailing me a guest blogger application for the company's blog and does his best to get me off the horn.  With my stealth evil grin plastered across my face I keep Dude on the phone for 10 or so more minutes, going on and on about how much I appreciate his understanding and how great it is that he cared enough about PPD to contact me and how it's super terrific that he "totally gets" why I won't link to his site and how sympathetic of a person he must be...blah, blah, blah.  It felt good to waste his time a little since his is basically the equivalent of a telemarketer, right?


Shortly thereafter, another Survivor Mama and blogger and I starting tweeting back and forth about this interaction as a result of my passing along the info (as I promised I would in the hopes of at least getting a post or two on postpartum depression or perinatal mood disorders in general on ______________.com's blog) to others in the "field."  During our prior email exchange she had clued me in on the fact that in addition to being boldly into trying to take advantage of us mommy bloggers said website is super cheap!  So we're tweeting and Friend and I marvel at how stupid these people must think we are.  Like we don't know that what they want us to do is post a link to their website somewhere on our's (they don't care if people actually click it or not- obviously seeing as how some people they contact - including little old me- don't exactly get millions of hits a month in the first place).  Why?  cause they know that Google lists websites for searches in the order of which has the most linkbacks.  Aha!  In the techie world, this is known as SEO (see bottom of post for further clarification).  When I asked Dude his title, he actually said "I am a SEO Specialist."  And, when I called him out on why he contacted me in the first place (I do give him credit for the time he spent on my little blog considering the millions of other bloggers he could have stalked- note to self: check blog profile for label "Sucker.")


So, Friend and I finish venting about these leeches and I give it a rest for the night.  Or what little of it I had- see future post entitled, "My F'in kid doesn't SLEEP!" Then, this morning I get an email that reads like this...

Hello Amber
            My name is Debbie Dumbass (name changed to protect identity of horribly insensitive and clueless people seeking free advertising on your blog) and I work on behalf of ______.com, an online retailer of appliance parts. I came across your wonderful site, Beyond Postparttum, and wondered if you may be interested in adding us as a resource to your readers.
Since your site discusses topics related to the home, _______________.com would be an excellent resource for your readers. They can use our site to get more information on being a do-it-yourselfer and repairing their kitchen appliances so they can get back to enjoying life.
Please contact me if you are interested and we can discuss the details, including monetary compensation. I hope you will give our site consideration and I look forward to your response!

Oh MY GOODNESS!

Please excuse me, but I need to finish up this post quickly so I can can cancel my therapy appointment. Duh!!! If only we'd known where to buy our appliance parts and how to install them ourselves, we could have avoided PPD all together. Oh, and I also must close because I need to send Debbie a fruit basket. She DID change my life you know...Thanks to ______.com, I am "back to enjoying life." And while, ahem, I guess it could have been the medication, countless hours of therapy and psychiatric appointments, insane amount of effort/time that I spent in intentionally trying to bond with and learn to care for my son, and support from family and friends; I'd rather give my new microwave the credit!

From Wikipedia:
Search engine optimization (SEO) is the process of improving the volume or quality of traffic to a web site from search engines via "natural" or un-paid ("organic" or "algorithmic") search results as opposed to search engine marketing (SEM) which deals with paid inclusion. Typically, the earlier (or higher) a site appears in the search results list, the more visitors it will receive from the search engine. SEO may target different kinds of search, including image search, local search, video search and industry-specific vertical search engines. This gives a web site web presence.

And to think I might have missed it...

Yesterday Atlanta got pounded by an unusual amount of snow.  Being a Southern State means we get rain in Winter instead of the snow that I experienced as a child in Western Pennsylvania (pronounced Pee-ay if you live/d there).  Anyway, because the snowy weather is so rare here it basically paralyzes the city both in the time they are anticipating the snow and during the storm itself.  Once the snow is on the ground, the concerns about when it will melt, whether it will re-freeze into ice, etc. take the panic to another level.  Also, because it is so rare, it is a very special day when the children in Atlanta see snow, which historically only happens a few times every five years.

Since we had been up North recently L's snowpants and boots had endured only one wear thus far and earlier this week I had stored them back in the closet expecting that they would either a) be saved for potential baby #2 which is still in consideration or b) consigned with the other items that L would no longer fit into or need.  However, yesterday I rushed home from work when we had a little more than a half of an inch of snow.  L was still taking his nap.  Once he woke up, I showed him the beautiful falling snow and asked if he wanted to go outside to play.  He didn't seem to quite understand what that meant- still sleepy or maybe not really sure what playing in the snow entails.

When he didn't jump at the opportunity to go outdoors I must admit that it took me a moment to choose to encourage him to reconsider, what with the 15 minutes it would take to dress us both appropriately for the endeavor.  Something inside me said "you need to do this" though and I asked a second and third time before even getting a response.  20 minutes later we were bundled up, armed with a camera and stomping through what was now nearly two inches of the white stuff.  I felt a smile naturally and almost without effort cover my face and I looked at L with true delight.  We proceeded to spend the next hour- our family of three- laughing and rolling snowballs to make snowmen and putting gloves on again and again.  We watched the smiles on drivers faces who passed- they clearly were enjoying watching us have such a great time.  After being outside for a while, I turned to M and said, "you know honey, I almost missed out on my favorite parenting memory so far.  When L didn't seem too excited to go out I almost let myself stay inside.  But, thank goodness I didn't- this is the most I have enjoyed motherhood yet!"

Wow.  What a powerful lesson learned.  While I have had many great moments and I have been recovered from PPD for a long time now, this experience, just one hour in more than two and a half years is the happiest I have ever felt as a mama.  And to think I might have missed out on it...

Out of the Valley Ministries: new site administrator- Welcome and thank you in advance, Sara!

I was thrilled to receive this email this weekend:
I wanted to let you all know that Sara Pollard, R.N.  is going to take over facilitating and writing for the Out of the Valley website and blog.  I'm SO excited about this!  She posted an intro post on the main site and the blog.  I wanted to let you all know so that you could update your links and spread the word!  Please feel free to forward this email as well...my brain is foggy on who to pass the word on to now.

God bless, Tara Mock
www.outofthevalley.org

Tara's site was a crucial help for me when I was suffering. I must admit that I wasn't able to read much there at the time, but just knowing that other Christians had suffered from PPD and that it didn't make me a bad or unfaithful person on unworthy mother helped me to get through.

Please visit and read Sara's first post- an introduction and a candid sharing of her PPD experience.   I pray Out of the Valley will bless you, too.

Not Me Monday: I am...

NOT a huge fan of bribing!

"Candy Night"- that's what we call a night when my son doesn't reqire assistance to go back to sleep at night after he's been put to bed.  If L sleeps until at least 6am without calling out to us and needing to be rocked back to sleep, we've had a candy night.  Let's just say our candy nights over the past couple of months have not reqiured purchase of a second bag od m n' m's, unfortunately.  On said mornings after said candy nights, we DO NOT have a list of things that L will acquire quickly upon awakening.  What started out as two m n' m's is NOT now two m n' m's, a spoonful of honey, a whole gingersnap cookie and watching two episodes of his favorite (and my least favorite) cartoon, Fireman Sam.  Yikes, how do I keep all that NOT bribing straight?  And how will I ever mange to NOT stop NOT layering onto the bribe whenever the current bribe stops working?  Not sure, but as long as it works, I am just fine with it!

Women in Pittsburgh Needed for Study of Estrogen to Treat Postpartum Depression

Since Pittsburgh is my hometown I wanted to share this.  Friends, please pass this along...this is an important study.  I will be considering estrogen as a treatment option for prevention of PPD if we do opt to have a second child...
PITTSBURGH – One of every eight women experience depression following the birth of a baby. To help such women, researchers at the Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic of UPMC and Magee-Womens Research Institute are seeking mothers between the ages of 18 and 45 to participate in a study to determine if depression in the three months after childbirth can be treated with the hormone estrogen.
Participation involves contact with study staff, either by telephone or in person, for eight weeks. After the first visit, mothers will be randomly assigned to receive their first dose of estrogen (delivered as an estradiol skin patch), the antidepressant medication Zoloft, or a placebo. Women who respond to treatment will continue in the study for an additional 16 weeks.
All enrolled women receive expert psychiatric assessment, consultation with treatment recommendations, and a review of mental health care options whether they decide to participate in the study or not. These services are provided free of charge by an internationally recognized team of perinatal psychiatry specialists. All participants will receive information on breastfeeding, childcare for appointments, and study medication without cost with the hope of making treatments better for postpartum women in the future.
Participants can earn up to $315 in compensation if all scheduled visits are completed. Compensation for transportation, including bus tickets or parking cost, also will be provided. The study is underwritten by a grant from the National Institute of Mental Health. For more information, call toll-free 1-800-436-2461 or visit www.womensbehavioralhealth.org.

First guest post of the new "season" of Beyond Postpartum: The Fearless Formula Feeder!

I can't tell you how thrilled I am to share Suzanne's story with you.  Her blog was a big part in the healing that has taken place over my failed breastfeeding attempts and eventual switch to exclusively formula feeding.  I still grieve the loss of a breastfeeding experience and what might have been both in terms of bonding for me and in ppd prevention, though I might have gotten benefits from those early weeks of nursing and then pumping.

She truly is fearless--supporting formula feeding mothers and standing up to those who attack moms, even accusing her of promoting formula companies.  I promise you, her only goal is to help take the stigma currently associated out of formula feeding and raising awareness about all the very valid reasons (including mom's mental health) that women may choose not to breastfeed.  She also makes sure that people realize that not everyone is able to breastfeed...a common accusation from self-proclaimed "lactivists" is that ALL women should be able to successfully breastfeed if they choose, which is not (and never has been-see the days of wet nurses) true.

Below is my "interview" with Suzanne.  I hope you will read and be inspired by her story.  A big hug and thanks to my new virtual friend, Suzanne.  I look forward to continuing to work with you to help moms everywhere however we can!

1) Tell us about you- catch us up on what your adult life was like prior to having a baby...
If you’d asked me ten years ago to predict what my life would be like at 32, I would have given you some schpiel about being an actress in New York, probably single, and definitely not a mom. I spent my twenties fighting against my maternal and domestic urges, until I finally realized that being a mostly out-of-work actor and freelance writer wasn’t cutting it. I think meeting my husband had a lot to do with that – he was truly my soul mate and things just started making sense once I was with him. He’d always wanted kids, but funnily enough, it was me who woke up at 29 and decided it was time to start trying. We’d been living in Los Angeles for about three years at the time, and had more financial stability than we’d had in years past; still, the thought of having a child was daunting. We were both creatives, so our schedules were crazy – some days we wouldn’t get out of bed before noon, but then we’d be up until 3 or 4 working… it was a very flexible, free lifestyle. We knew having kids would change that immensely, but we were more than willing to sacrifice for the joy that having a family would bring us. I’d stopped pursuing acting in favor of my writing career at this point; being an actress had been holding me back from getting pregnant due to concerns about appearance and “castablity” ; once that was no longer a concern, I was raring to go.

2) You have a blog...The Fearless Formula Feeder. Where did the name come from and what inspired you to begin writing?

I actually started writing another blog while I was pregnant, mostly for my own benefit (to keep a record of my thoughts and experiences during the pregnancy). So I was already hooked on the blogosphere. I went through a real struggle with breastfeeding – which was more than partly tied to my postpartum depression – and I decided I didn’t want any other woman feeling as alone as I did when I was going through that experience. I wanted a safe place for formula feeders to come and vent about their feelings, and to find the support I so needed when I was struggling – a place where someone would tell them it was okay to formula feed, if that was the best choice for their families – so I started the Fearless Formula Feeder blog. I was trying my best to be fearless myself, about all things having to do with parenting, so the name was a constant reminder for me to stay strong and do what I felt was right.

3) Tell us about your pregnancy...was it planned?
The minute we decided to start trying, we got pregnant. Unfortunately, we ended up miscarrying. And then we got pregnant again, and lost that baby, too. The third time was the charm, but my two prior losses put me in a horrible mindset. I could not believe that there would be a healthy baby at the end of the nine months. I lived in constant fear up until about 30 weeks, when I finally started feeling confident about things. Ironically, that is when the pregnancy got complicated: I ended up having contractions from about 33 weeks on; my son stopped moving in utero; and it was later discovered that I had a growth restriction, so he stopped growing around 33 weeks as well. No one caught this until I was 39 weeks along, so it was a bloody miracle that he came out alive and okay.

4) You've mentioned dealing with postpartum depression on your blog. When did you first feel that something was not "right" with you?
I’d struggled with depression before, but strangely enough, despite my fear concerning the pregnancy, I felt pretty stable emotionally during the pregnancy itself. Which, incidentally, is why I am such a strong believer that real depression is chemical and not just situational – I had every reason to slip into a depression during the miscarriages and tough pregnancy, but I was fine. It wasn’t until I gave birth that things went dark. And I mean the second I gave birth. I remember feeling like someone had drowned me from the inside in cold water. I couldn’t stop crying, and I couldn’t look at my beautiful, desperately wanted child and feel anything but fear and ambivalence. It was awful. I knew I loved him, but it was like this weird echo of love… like I would be doing him more harm than good to love him. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes I think I emotionally detached from him early on in the pregnancy because I was so afraid of losing him; so that when he finally came out, he was a stranger. This will sound awful, but it was like someone had given me a puppy – something that I would love, I knew I would take of, but that I had no physical or inherent bond with…it was very strange.

5) What symptoms did you experience and how did you deal with them?

From the moment of delivery on, I felt that emptiness I just described… and then I started having all these breastfeeding problems, and it just exacerbated the problem. My son couldn’t latch and so we were constantly trying to feed him, as recommended by the numerous lactation consultants we saw, which meant that he was screaming every time I got near him, out of frustration and hunger, I imagine. I felt like he hated me; that I couldn’t even do this fundamental part of motherhood correctly; that I was just a failure in every way. 

Luckily – weird to say this was lucky, but still – I had been through depression before and knew I was at high risk for PMD, so I immediately sought help. I got on the lowest dose possible of antidepressants (because I was afraid it could go through my breastmilk, even in miniscule amounts) and started feeling a bit better. My depression didn’t totally clear until I weaned completely and switched to formula, however. There was just so much stress and pain surrounding nursing and pumping, that once I was free from that, I was free to heal.

6) How has your husband/partner been through the postpartum period and what role has he had in dealing with your PMD?

I don’t think my husband really knew what to do for me. He was handling all the parenting in those early days – I am so grateful that he is such an incredible father, because it was just second nature for him to nurture and care for our son when I wasn’t able to. I think he was frustrated with me, though… he has never dealt with depression or any type of mental illness, so he can’t quite understand it. He just wanted me to be happy and normal. I also think there was an understandable element of denial – to this day he says I “wasn’t that bad”, but I don’t think I put on much of an act, so I’m not sure I believe him. I was a mess.

7) After suffering from a PMD, how will you think differently about future pregnancies (including whether to have more children)?

I know I want a second child, but the thought of a PMD haunts me. I never want to feel that way again – I’m not sure I believe in hell, but if there is one, that must be what it feels like. But I do feel like I am prepared this time. I know what to do to give myself the best possible shot at a healthy postpartum period. I will get on antidepressants right away, and make other choices that will rule out some of the situational factors that contributed last time.

8) Is faith a part of your life? If so, how has that been impacted by a PMD and how did it impact how you dealt with your depression?

I definitely believe that there is something out there, but I wouldn’t call myself religious at all. I believe in some sort of higher power or purpose to everything – on the most basic level, that things will work out in the end. My husband has taught me that – he is very positive and eventually that rubs off, even on someone as fatalistic as I can be. And in some weird way, having a PMD made me more optimistic – because I got through it, and came out on the other side so much stronger. The thing I feared most happened, but I overcame it, and know that I can beat it again, if I have to. There’s a lot of power in that.

9) What do you do to keep yourself happy?

Yoga was my saving grace during my pregnancy, and it helped me in the postpartum period too… there was just something about being alone with my body and my thoughts, feeling my heart beating and my limbs moving, that kept me connected to the world when I was feeling so terribly disconnected. Taking long walks with my dog had the same effect – I am such a strong believer in exercise. And music. Listening to my iPod, choosing songs that spoke to me at the time – it allowed me to work through my emotions and reconnect to who I used to be. Because I think, independent of any PMD or anything like that, becoming a parent can be a difficult transition. It’s so easy to lose yourself, to forget who you were before this amazing creature came into your life and changed everything. I think it is so important to remember that the core of who you are remains constant; motherhood just adds another element. It can be hard to remember this in those early days, and taking a half hour to listen to my favorite songs and process everything did wonders.

10) What's the funniest/silliest thing that you've done or that's happened to you since you became a mom?

When Leo was a few weeks old, we had a bunch of out-of-town family visiting. My husband went upstairs to change my son’s diaper, when suddenly I heard this shout of horror. I ran up to the nursery and there was my poor husband, literally covered head to toe in our son’s pee – he’d been right in the line of fire during the diaper change. I laughed for the first time since giving birth. But when I went to help remedy the situation and put a new diaper on my baby, the floodgates opened again – but this time, it wasn’t just pee.  My son pooped all over me, the changing table, the curtains…everything. We had a living room full of guests, but we had to leave them unattended for about an hour as we scrubbed down the entire nursery, and then ourselves. You’d think we would have learned a lesson, but that was just the first of many diaper disasters. The kid has aim, I will tell you that.

11) What do you wish you had known about Perinatal Mood Disorders before you experienced one?

How quickly it can attack. I was forewarned and forearmed, but it didn’t help. It was instant. I wasn’t prepared for that; I figured it would be a slower progression, like other depressions… this was more like someone hit a switch and my world went dark.

12) If you could only share one message with a pregnant or new mom, what would it be?

I wish new moms wouldn’t put as much pressure on themselves as they do. We live in a world with too much information and not enough support. Before a woman even gives birth, she feels she has to make decisions on what kind of parent she will be – attached, permissive, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, working, stay-at-home – there are just so many labels. We’d be so much better off if we allowed for some flexibility, and an understanding that there is no “right” way to parent. You take it as it comes. You have no idea how motherhood will affect you, or what kind of personality or needs your child will have… it’s setting yourself up for failure to put all these restrictions on yourself.

I also think women need to know that it’s okay to not like the infant stage. Motherhood is the coolest thing ever – I love it now, in an indescribable way – but I was not into the newborn thing. I couldn’t wait for my child to “wake up” to the world – and once he did, everything changed. This made me feel inadequate or flawed in some way, until I started talking to other women… it seems there are some moms who loved the first few months and mourn the loss of their babyhood; others do better with toddlers; others shine as their kids reach school age…Of course you will love your child every step of the way, but it’s okay to admit that you aren’t crazy about a certain stage. The newborn part was really tough for me, and I needed to hear that it would pass; that I would sleep again, and leave the house, wear something other than sweatpants, go to a movie…I can’t tell you how much I love the age my son is at now; I would never have known that a mere year from my darkest point, I’d be the happiest I’ve ever been. It really does get better. And better, and better.

A shift in focus

A couple of months ago I wrote about transitioning my blog to focus on a more personal account of my continuing journey into motherhood.  I shared about the feedback I had gotten to post less "news" and more of my writing. 

I have continued to pray about where I am feeling called to take this blog and all of the PPD related work I do.  I am really enjoying the interviews and presentations I have been asked to do and of course feel especially fulfilled by the peer support work I do both on an individual basis when people email or call me or when they attend the Atlanta Postpartum Support Group.  As I specifically consider this blog, I wanted to share with you that I am so grateful for the surge in comments both on Facebook and here that have recently been offered.  Survivor Mamas from all over have expressed their support, gratitude and shared their own stories of motherhood through their comments.  It seems that these types of posts are what moms want and need to read right now.  Keeping that in mind, I have decided to focus my future posts on my personal experiences and guest posts by Survivor Mamas and those who care for them.  Here at Beyond Postpartum you will continue to see posts like my recent ones that honestly chronicle real moms and their everyday struggles and triumphs.  I promise that the posts will always keep in mind this is a blog that was begun because of PPD and even though every single post won't be about perinatal mood disorders, they will all be relevant to the topic of motherhood and will honor the fact that the reader may be currently experiencing a PMD.  I hope that this shift will be helpful and interesting to you, my loyal and beloved readers! 

Katherine Stone does a beautiful job of keeping us informed of the latest and greatest news, research, educational opportunities, and ways to get help over at Postpartum Progress.  I will be adding a link to her site at the top of my blog sidebar so that anyone who wants to stay up to date on this type of info can link directly from Beyond Postpartum to Postpartum Progress quickly.  I also want to remind you that I regularly post links to articles related to perinatal mood disorders on Twitter...you can follow me at www.twitter.com/atlantamom!  Here you will find only links to my blog posts and tweets and retweets spreading awareness about PMDs; I save the personal stuff for Facebook! :)

I hope you'll always feel welcome to comment or email me and make suggestions about what you'd like to see me write about or who you might like me to "interview" for a guest post- maybe that person is YOU!

Quote

You are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being ~ Kittie Franz
I share this quote not to make you feel overwhelmed or to create guilt about the enormity of the task you have undertaken.  Rather, I share it because it is something I needed to hear and I think you might, too.

A couple of weeks ago I was completely humbled when I came across a blog that across its header had only the name of the blog (forgive me, I have since forgotten it) and this quote.  I was having a challenging week (which has only led to more challenging days and weeks) in the life of raising a toddler and I had become quite irritated with my son's behavior. 

You see, to be honest (like I am ever not...), I don't really enjoy a lot of the details associated with mothering.  The redundancy is annoying to me.  The bathing, the cleaning up of the same bowls, placemats, little forks and spoons.  UGH.  I feel like my life has somehow been reduced to tasks that could be completed by a robot.  If I could justify and afford a live-in nanny/au pair I would.  It's not that I want someone else to raise my child at all.  But, while I am busy raising my child- you know, teaching, playing, talking, hugging, laughing, etc., I would love to have someone else bathing, rocking, tending to cleaning potty chair residue and the like.  The truth is though, the intimacy of doing these things probably brings me closer to my child.  As much as it stinks to admit, putting my all into even the menial and redundant tasks is serving God by honoring my family. 

When I seem to have forgotten this, I read this quote and remember- this task is huge!  I don't tell myself this so I will become anxious about how large and difficult it is.  Instead, I remind myself so that I remember the importance of this task.  Seriously.  Read it again.  You haven't lost your identity, your prestige or your meaning by becoming a mama...instead you have taken on the most important job in the world.  Don't ever forget it.

Listen In--Please Explain: Postpartum Depression and Perinatal Psychiatry

On January 15th, WNYC radio featured on their popular program Please Explain, the causes and symptoms of postpartum depression, and the field of perinatal psychiatry, the evaluation and treatment of psychiatric disorders associated with female reproductive function. We're joined by Dr. Catherine Monk, Irving Assistant Professor of Clinical Psychology, Columbia University Medical Center, and Dr. Shari Lusskin, Director of Reproductive Psychiatry, at NYU Langone Medical Center and Mt. Sinai Medical Center. 

Click here to listen in and then read the comments below.  Let me know what you think!