How Happy am I?

There's so much to write about right now, that all those words are jumbled in my brain, crashing into one another like little bumper cars. These words include:
House
Anxiety
Work
Baby
Sleep
Travel
Family
Book

And now thanks to Blogger completely sucking today, the words "WTF is wrong with my "Enter" key?" can be included.

You'll see me write about all of those topics and more in coming weeks.  In the meantime, I came across a blog that I decided to follow this week.  I wanted to share a bit from it and link to it so you could check it out.  More on that later.

So, yesterday I completely lost it in my weekly staff meeting.  My new boss began our meeting by asking that each person at the table share a moment of both Alleluia (a high, so to speak) and Kyrie ("Lord, have mercy").  Seated at his left, I was the last person to share, as he started with the person at his right.  After about ten or so people had shared their reflections, some as challenging as addiction and generically celebratory as family Easter dinner, I began to become overwhelmed with emotion.  I have been challenged by a program I have been planning for weeks now.  Normally unrattled by my work duties and projects, this particular event has got me wrought with anxiety.  Sleepless nights, obsessive thoughts, stomach aches and IBS, headaches, heart palpitations, you name it.  My rational side tells me it is no big deal.  It's just one event.  It's a rough economy and a date in the midst of a season heavily weighted with sports games and practice, travel and holidays.  We have less than 50% of the estimated participation which we had hoped (and paid) for.  In a time in which non-profits are struggling to pay their bills, I am horrified that my project may cost the church financially.  So, by the time that my turn had come, I was able to mumble an Alleluia regarding something about dancing to Van Morrison with my son the evening prior before I completely broke into loud sobs, all the while apologizing and saying, "I'm trying not to cry."  I went on, "My Kyrie," I blubbered, "is that I am filled with anxiety.  I almost never get worried about the stuff I do here, but for some reason I am completely overwhelmed by this upcoming event.  I can't stand to think about it and it's impacting my health.  I haven't been this anxious since my Postpartum."  We moved on to prayer time and I managed, going second in the group this time, to eek out a prayer that sounded kinda logical and relevant without the hysterics this time.  Until, the person to my left spent her time in prayer praying aloud for me.  "Bless, Amber" she prayed.  "Help her to overcome her anxiety and look to you for strength..."  By the time we had all prayed, at least 3 other people had shared prayers specifically for me as a part of their offering.  We closed with the Lord's Prayer and I used a wadded up ball of paper towels to mop up the tears and snot I had accumulated while holding hands with my colleagues, unable to wipe for ALL that time.

Great, I have just told everyone I interact with professionally on a regular basis that I am a mess.  They probably all think I am a nutcase and can't get anything done.  Oh, well.

No, I don't regret sharing.  Yes, it is probably totally unorthodox to have a nervous breakdown during a staff meeting.  No, I am not generally depressed or suffering from paralyzing anxiety.  I don't need medication.  I don't need to check myself in.  I just had a bad couple of days.  Let's hope I can convince them of that! :)

So back to the blog and happiness stuff.  The truth is that my Alleluia is more important to me than my Kyrie.  Yes, I do pray for God's mercy on me.  But what I mean is that my happy time spent with my son is way more important overall than this one event on this one weekend that will be over in just a few weeks time.  Dancing in my newly renovated home all evening long with my son makes me happy.  It makes him happy, which just makes me happier.  Yes, Monday was the mid-point of those few anxious days.  But, in the midst of that, I was able to live my way into happiness.  Sure, I probably would have rather been drinking wine and tweeting at that moment of decision.  But, when I make the conscious choice to turn up the music, kick off my shoes and boogie with my kid I hit a home-run.  The blog I mentioned earlier is The Happiest Mom.  This article, entitled Naturally Happy? hit the nail on the head for me...I spend my time so focused on the trappings of parenting in the 21st Century sometimes (what with all the organic eating, green living, attachment parenting focused and over-educated pressure) that I forget that just offering a happy and healthy environment to my child is doing the best I can for him.

So, what's one to do when happy is not so natural for you?  Today in the conversation about Alleluias and Kyries we also discussed living your way into something.  Our pastor's example is of the classic husband or wife who comes to confess that he/she is no longer in love with their spouse and asks for advice.  The pastor's response?  "Go home and act like you love him/her."  It's that simple.  Sounds a lot like "fake it til you make it" thinking to me, and maybe it is, with a spiritual twist.  If you want something that you know is right and good, live as if it is so until it is so.  So that's what I am doing here...and you can hear Moondance playing all the way where you are now, can't you?

Life after PPD: I have PPD and a friend who is pregnant

or
I had PPD and now a close friend is pregnant.
or
I have PPD and my friend has a baby who is the same age as mine...but she seems so happy.
or
I had PPD and ALL my friends seem to be getting pregnant.
or
I had PPD and now I'm pregnant again.
or
I had PPD and now friends with kids younger than mine are pregnant again.

The list goes on and on, doesn't it?  Remember that Scarlett letter we talked about a while back?  Feels pretty raw when we go here, huh?

Last week I posted about life after PPD.  I shared a link to an article written by a mom well past the baby years.  I thought it was beautifully written and boy did it come as a relief to me. 

See, I had never, not even in my PPD Advocacy circles heard much from moms who felt like I did.  Sure, maybe they did and just never mentioned it.  But, really, I felt pretty alone in the "I still get a stomachache when someone tells me they are pregnant" land.  Which is like practically once a week lately, but that's a whole other story!

Anyway, I really wish that my first inclination when hearing a family announce their pregnancy was celebratory.  I try to fake it.  Really, I do.  I hope I do a good job at it.  I wouldn't want to seem insincere.  And truly, I'm not (if you know me well, you know how direct I can be)...but, I am not sure how well I hide the trepidation, anxiety and fear I have around parenting a newborn.  Even well.  With PPD, fuhgeddaboudit.

Here's a scenario...
My good friend Annette announces, at 9 weeks pregnant, she's expecting.  I try to smile and act all excited to match the gleam in her eye and the glow in her skin.  Instead, what I am really channeling is something more along the lines of "Seriously, you can smile while feeling like you want to puke your guts out and simultaneously realizing that in 2 seasons you are going to be lucky to get 3 hours of sleep a night?"

Or another:
My friend Mary, mother of a toddler and a 5 week old, sends me an email photos in which her hair has clearly been cut recently and she has obviously showered, put on make-up and an outfit that matches AND is out in public- somewhere other than the grocery store.  I reply, "How cute your kids are and how great you look!  You must be enjoying being a mom of two so much."  What I want to say is "How the hell did you manage that?  Seriously?  What did I do wrong?  It took me 6 months to "do" my hair after having just one child.  And you're out?  WTF is wrong with me?  Why am I such a bad mom?"

Or another:
My friend Clara announces on FB how excited she is to go out for New Years with her husband and friends and that she just bought a new dress for the occasion.  No biggie, right?  We all go on a date eventually after having a baby.  Except, Clara, has a toddler and a baby less than 2 months old.  My kid is 2 and I was in bed at Ten on New Years.  "I suck."

There are a million scenarios out there; I know.  I have come face to face with many of them, and my lack of grace (towards myself and others) at times when dealing with them causes me shame and sadness.  I am working at overcoming that shame and learning to embrace the idea of having a baby...since I may want to have another some time.

It's really hard to accept the facts.  And they are that not everyone gets PPD.  I really want to celebrate that, to be happy for those women.  To be genuinely grateful and not the least bit jealous when someone seems overjoyed to be losing sleep and doing nothing more than feeding and changing a baby.  But, if I am honest, I have to admit that there is this little tiny piece of me that is sad and angry when someone I know (or don't know, for that matter) has a terrifically positive perinatal experience.

How about you?  What are YOUR scenarios?  What is life after PPD like for you?

Short on time? Just a "taste" of some great Survivor Mama's blogs...

I am so grateful to the Muser at Musings, Musings, Musings for her new blog feature, "The Weekly Round-Up."  It is here that on a weekly basis she'll be giving us a snapshot of all that is happening in the PPD blogosphere.  What a great gift to those of us who may not be able to keep up with each post out there (but I swear I do my best to read them all, ladies!).  Thanks a bunch for doing this summary so we can be sure to read up on those posts that are most relevant or interesting to us!

Did you know...?

That Postpartum Support International has an awesome website, chock full of information and resources on perinatal mood disorders?  There you can find support groups, book recommendations, info about trainings for and events that support PPD, get FREE PPD awareness posters to put in doctor's offices, childrens play centers, churches, Target or anywhere else new moms may frequent, and you can even buy a cute t-shirt to proudly display your support for happy and healthy families!

That the Mother's Act, which provides resources for the education and treatment of perinatal mood disorders, is a part of the Healthcare legislation that was passed yesterday!  Hooray for awareness and

That you can get a cute little copy of each new post at Beyond Postpartum delivered right to your virtual doorstep in your email inbox by going to the sidebar, scrolling down a bit and entering your email address in the box.  It looks like this:
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That you can follow me on Twitter!

And lastly, but most importantly, that ALL of you...the readers of this blog, are FANTASTIC, AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, and all-around BLESSINGS to me???!!!  Even on a bad day I never feel alone because of you.  Thank you...

I have had PPD for a while now...why am I not better yet?

This is a question I find so many of the moms I communicate with asking me on a regular basis.  When you are struggling, it is so hard to be patient, to have hope, to feel that the end is in sight.  When you have had a bad day, you are reminded of the really bad days from the past and you forget how good or great or okay, at least the previous days or weeks have been.  You can only think about that "rough day."  You want to figure out the remedy for minimizing more rough days, if not eliminating them all together.

I wish I could offer one answer that would be THE answer for each and every one of you.  Unfortunately, that is not how this works.  Instead, here are a few things that I invite you to consider...

What risk factors may have contributed to your PPD?  If you consider this, you may be better able to next think about some changes you could make to address one or more of these issues.  For example, if sleep deprivation and a fussy baby are two things that you are struggling with, I would recommend finding someone to help you care for your baby.  This will hopefully give you more time to rest on your own schedule and take the stress of caring for a cranky infant off your plate long enough for you to rest, relax and have some peaceful moments without a wailing baby attached to you.

What symptoms are you dealing with?  If your PPD has manifested itself in heart palpitations, insomnia, loss of appetite and trouble making decisions, for example, consider how you've addressed these symptoms.  Have you worked with a doctor or therapist to deal with and minimize the heart palpitations and anxiety?  Have you employed remedies such as meditation, relaxation techniques or medications to help you get sleep?  Have you worked to find a way to nourish your body (and give you some much needed energy) despite your lack of appetite?  Have you talked with a professional about narrowing down decisions right now to only those that are urgent or really important?  Are you delegating and allowing your spouse, family member or friend to help make decisions so you'll feel less overwhelmed?  While you can't necessarily eliminate all of your symptoms at will, there are things you can do to minimize the impact they are having on you.

How about treatment*?  Have you met with a professional (preferably a specialist in perinatal mood disorders) for an evaluation?  Have you formulated a treatment plan with your therapist or doctor and your loved ones?  Have you carried out the steps in that plan to the best of your ability?  Have you "bought into" your treatment plan, whatever it might be, and however foreign it might be to your lifestyle before dealing with postpartum depression?

Many women resist one aspect or another of PPD treatment and then are shocked and disappointed when they don't recover as fully and quickly as they had hoped they would.  Sometimes women prefer a more natural approach and resist medication, even for moderate or severe PPD.  They might read some blogs and websites, get a little more rest and go to a few therapy sessions, hoping that time will heal their wound.  For mild PPD, sometimes a couple of months of this type of self-education and talking about it or a low dose anti-depressant can get you over the hump.  More often than not, though, you need to treat your condition as your number one priority.  Stop, you say, my family is my number one priority.  My work is my priority; I can't miss work, I need the income or I have a deadline looming.  Here's the deal...by taking care of yourself and getting as fully well as fast as possible you ARE prioritizing all of these other things.  Sure, feeling like shit is a good motivator...who wouldn't want to get better fast when you feel so bad?  But, like most moms, we sacrifice ourselves for the benefit of our families.  Unfortunately, unlike not buying that cute Coach purse, not getting treatment, GOOD treatment for PPD, is not going to benefit your family.

Here are a couple of ideas: 
Make sure you are getting support.  If you can afford a private practice, great.  If you need to see someone covered by insurance, fine, too...it may be harder to find a PMD specialist, but all therapists should be able to teach you some beneficial strategies to deal with general depression and anxiety.  If you aren't insured and can't afford to pay out of pocket, find a support group...pronto.  Don't just find one...go to one.  Regularly.  Find a babysitter or take your kid with you.  Change your work schedule.  Do whatever it takes to get there. 

If medication was recommended by a professional for your particular case, then I encourage you to consider taking it.  As it is prescribed.  If it is not working or you are experiencing side effects, go back to the doctor, share your concerns and either make adjustments or change meds.  One medication working, but not treating all of your symptoms?  Go back to the doctor.  Describe what you are experiencing and see if another complementary medication or treatment can be added.  This was the case for me.  Once I added two medications to the antidepressant and began putting a lot of effort into complementary medicine in the form of massage, relaxation techniques, therapy, etc. I turned the corner.  Sure, I still had bad days, but they became fewer and less severe.

What about the simple stuff...?

Are you reading books and blogs that will help you feel less alone and give you hope?
Are you eating healthy meals, staying hydrated and avoiding caffeine and alcohol?
Are you getting as much sleep/rest as you are able to?
Are you taking vitamins and supplements (clear with a physician if you are taking prescription medications to be sure they do not interact) that will benefit you, like B vitamins and Omega-3s?
Are you spending both quality time with your baby and by yourself?

Yes, PPD sucks, but it doesn't have to suck the life out of you...  Don't give up.  You will get better.

*NOTE: Beware of any website or program that claims to "cure" your perinatal mood disorder.  You can read more about determining whether information is legitimate or not by reading Ivy's post or Lauren's post on the topic.

Motherhood: A Losing Battle to Find my Mind

You often hear of pregnant women making excuses (valid as they are) about being late, forgetting your birthday, losing their keys (or the glasses on top of their head, for that matter) due to "baby brain."  What's it called when you aren't pregnant (I have the utmost faith in my IUD) and your kid couldn't fit back inside even you if you dehydrated him and rolled him into a ball?

I am humbled by motherhood in various ways throughout each week.  Sometimes it's the wonder of my child's insight and incredible memory.  Sometimes it's during a Spirit-filled moment of bliss, like hearing my child bless his boogers  family during our evening prayers.  Other times it might be when I am so overcome with responsibility that I realize my type-A, do-it-all self might have taken a hiatus...a permanent one.  Today, however, I was humbled by how incredibly rushed, distracted, and otherwise STUPID I must be to do something like this...

No, I haven't gone green and decided to hand wash and hang-dry all my laundry (with all that extra time on my hands)...Instead, I returned from picking up my husband's dry cleaning. Guess what was pressed and starched on the hanger next to shirts and slacks? Socks. GYM socks. circa 1996. Lovely.

My child is no longer a baby. I had PPD. How is it impacting me today?

Today was a great day for me to come across this article about the lasting impact of PPD.  Reading this article is one of the most comforting things that has happened to me in a while.  You see, I think we've have definitely made headway with letting suffering moms know that they are not alone.  That it's not their fault.  That, yes, actually someone else HAS had thoughts of leaving their child on the doorstep of a shelter, or of wanting to give them up for adoption, or of being so obsessed with their sleeping that they charted every moment of the day to the second, or that they haven't showered in six days or clipped their toenails in six weeks.  That it will get better.  However, we haven't exactly done a great job of working with Survivor Mamas to talk about how it changes you long term.  How a PPD experience can distort the lens through which you view your entire motherhood experience.  I am certainly guilty of focusing so much on helping moms currently going through this Hell that I have forgotten to encourage, educate and advocate for women on the other side of that Hell....you know, women who are (ironically) beyond postpartum...

Last night I was humbled again through L's sleep issues.  He'd been having candy nights regularly and I was very excited to be able to boast that I had been able to find good rest on several occasions, as well.  I have to say that I was taken by surprise that on the heels of the time-change forward we had a horrible night of crying and whining.  I had thought we would be able to avoid most effects of this since in moving forward he should be sleeping later and I wasn't worried about what time he fell asleep at night since he generally goes to bed pretty early anyway.  WAS I MISTAKEN.  I was awakened around 2am and spent the following 3 hours like a Mexican Jumping Bean.  Each time I successfully got myself comfortable with pillows and covers in place and did relaxation exercises that are necessary due to the anxiety these night awakenings STILL cause in me I would be summoned once again across the hall.  A certain stuffed animal was needed.  A back required rubbing.  Leaving the door in a different position was a must.  My presence in the room was requested.  Thing is, even when I complied, thinking that doing so was the lesser of the middle-of-the-night evils, the little devil  guy wasn't satisfied.  It wasn't good enough.  By 5am, L wasn't the only one crying...and I don't just mean tearing up...I mean sobbing.  Welcome back, Anxiety/Depression, you son of a bitch old friend.

Do I think that many moms become frustrated by their children's night wakings?  Absolutely.  Do most of them respond by mentally going down the path of divorcing their husbands so they can share custody of their child and get a decent night of friggin' sleep?  Hope not.  Mood disorders are opportunists.  That's how my PPD still haunts me.  It stalks me constantly, waiting patiently for a weak, sleep-deprived moment.  And then it steals my sanity, if only briefly, planting negative and depressed thoughts in my half-awake head. 

I have known for a while now that my entire motherhood experience (not just those early days postpartum) was going to be impacted by my perinatal mood disorder.  I'm not saying this is true for all moms.  In fact, I have read about and talked to plenty who once past their PPD are able to move forward mothering as if all is well, and for the most part, always has been.  I am not sure what allows them to do this with ease and grace.  Was their PPD mild?  Did they receive treatment early?  Was their PPD not accompanied by anxiety or OCD?  Did they have amazing family support?  Did they cling to their baby (rather than wish him away, like I did when I was sick)?  If you were one of these moms, please speak up...comment below- your words of wisdom and insight will certainly help others.

How is your bucket filled?

A few years ago a colleague used a term that I hadn't heard before.  When I asked her about what she meant by "that's how my bucket is filled" she referred to a book that she was reading and held it up for me to see.  Though I didn't have a chance (and haven't yet) to read it in its entirety, you might have heard me mention having my bucket filled over and OVER and OVER by doing the "work" that I do with perinatal mood disorders.  The spiritual component for me is that God seems to know exactly what spiritual gifts to bless us with and then what situations to place us in that will allow us to have our buckets filled.  While I may bless others with the support I provide, I am completely convinced that I am blessed doubly by doing so.

What has filled my bucket lately are the emails, comments, and notes I have received from moms all over the country (and perhaps world) who have been touched by something I wrote, said or did that helped them...sometimes having done so without knowing until they contacted me later.

Here are a few snippets from these notes- to their authors, THANK YOU for sharing them!

If all of us moms walked around as honest as you are, we'd learn a lot and all not feel so guilty! Keep up the good work (writing and mommy-ing!)."

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I started crying when I read your blogs and how you felt. I can relate so much and I don't feel alone. Even if you don't read these comments, I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU! I am ready to get help now.
 
THANK YOU for doing this for us here in atl. I don't know where I'd be right now without finding your group. 

That's how my bucket is filled.  Some days its  fuller than others.  Want to fill my bucket sometime?  Share a comment on my blog...my meter will read full for days!!! :)

Here are the links to the book series I reference above...I highly recommend figuring out what fills your bucket and exploring how you might fill up those of the people around you.  You'll be blessed by it!
How Full Is Your Bucket? For Kids
How Full Is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life
Have You Filled a Bucket Today?

Wordless Wednesday: Joy is...

Check out Katherine's post on BlogHer about getting help for PPD!

Katherine Stone wrote a great piece for BlogHer this week.  It's an awesome how-to guide to maximizing the time and effort it takes to find and get treatment for a perinatal mood disorder.  In my humble opinion, the best part of the whole thing is the awesome list of bloggers who are Survivor Mamas.  Be sure to check out these links- you will find some great writing there.  Here is the link to the article by Katherine: 
A BlogHer How-To Manual for Getting The Best Help for Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

Katherine Stone, is the founder and author of Postpartum Progress, the most widely-read blog on postpartum depression, the most common complication of childbirth, and other mental illnesses related to childbirth.  You can also find her on Twitter at @postpartumprogr

How to Have a Happy Marriage When You’re Busy Being Parents

Unfortunately, I have not been putting some great advice we received in preparation for marriage into effect.  Our priest encouraged us to make our marriage relationship our number one priority throughout our lives together regardless of our children.  He said that in his experience dealing with families he has observed in nearly all circumstances that the children who "turned out best" so to speak were those whose parents focused on being a couple first and parents second.  Basically that the best gift we can offer our children is a safe, stable household managed by two people who love and respect one another and serve as mentors to their children when it comes to a marital relationship.  Make sense to me, though it has been much more challenging to enact than I expected.  

Postpartum Depression, insomnia and all the associated symptoms started our parenting journey out on a very rocky path.  With stumbling blocks in excess and a huge mountain to climb, I could barely meet the needs of myself and my child, let alone concentrate on intimacy (emotional and sexual) in my marriage.  Though I recovered and have been well for a while, the pattern has been a difficult one to break and the fact that mothering for me, even when well, is so exhausting and takes a lot of effort because it doesn't come so easily or naturally makes it further challenging.  Once L is in bed, I want to collapse into my couch or bed and veg. out, as well.  I never know how he will sleep or what time he will awake and I know my emotional state is somewhat based on how well/how much I sleep.  Because of this I opt to retire very early in the evening.  This gives M and I nearly no time alone together unless we make time for a date.  I want to break this cycle.

I share this with you in hopes that wherever you are in your journey into, through or out of transitioning into motherhood you will be able to be encouraged and enlightened about focusing on your partner.  Making it a priority to nurture and nourish your relationship.  I hope it will be helpful.

The following is an article that Elizabeth Pantley so generously offered for me to share.  I really need to read and re-read this daily.  

How to Have a Happy Marriage When You’re Busy Being Parents

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Kid Cooperation, Perfect Parenting and Hidden Messages

Is your marriage everything you ever hoped it could be? Or has it been pushed down your list of priorities since having children? Let’s face it, parenthood is a full-time job, and it dramatically changes your marriage relationship. But marriage is the foundation upon which your entire family is structured. If your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you’ll be a better parent, and you’ll, quite simply, have more fun in your life.

Make a commitment

To create or maintain a strong marriage you will have to take the first critical step: You must be willing to put time, effort and thought into nurturing your marriage. The ideas that follow will help you follow through on this commitment and will put new life and meaning into your marriage. A wonderful thing may happen. You may fall in love with your spouse all over again. In addition, your children will greatly benefit from your stronger relationship. Children feel secure when they know that Mom and Dad love each other—particularly in today’s world, where 50 percent of marriages end in divorce; half of your children’s friends have gone, or are going through a divorce; or maybe it’s your kids who have survived a divorce and are now living in a new family arrangement.  Your children need daily proof that their family life is stable and predictable. When you make a commitment to your marriage, your children will feel the difference. No, they won’t suffer from neglect! They’ll blossom when your marriage—and their homelife—is thriving.

The surprising secret is that this doesn’t have to take any extra time in your already busy schedule. Just a change in attitude plus a committed focus can yield a stronger, happier marriage.

So here’s my challenge to you. Read the following suggestions and apply them in your marriage for the next 30 days. Then evaluate your marriage. I guarantee you’ll both be happier.

Look for the good, overlook the bad

You married this person for many good reasons. Your partner has many wonderful qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle to your marriage is to look for the good and overlook the bad.

Make it a habit to ignore the little annoying things — dirty socks on the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter, worn out flannel pajamas, an inelegant burp at the dinner table — and choose instead to search for those things that make you smile: the way he rolls on the floor with the baby; the fact that she made your favorite cookies, the peace in knowing someone so well that you can wear your worn out flannels or burp at the table.

Give two compliments every day

Now that you’ve committed to seeing the good in your partner, it’s time to say it! This is a golden key to your mate’s heart. Our world is so full of negative input, and we so rarely get compliments from other people. When we do get a compliment, it not only makes us feel great about ourselves, it actually makes us feel great about the person giving the compliment! Think about it! When your honey says, “You’re the best. I’m so glad I married you.” It not only makes you feel loved, it makes you feel more loving.

Compliments are easy to give, take such a little bit of time, and they’re free. Compliments are powerful; you just have to make the effort to say them. Anything works: “Dinner was great, you make my favorite sauce.” “Thanks for picking up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful, you saved me a trip.” “That sweater looks great on you.”

Play nice

That may sound funny to you, but think about it. How many times do you see -- or experience -- partners treating each other in impolite, harsh ways that they’d never even treat a friend? Sometimes we take our partners for granted and unintentionally display rudeness. As the saying goes, if you have a choice between being right and being nice, just choose to be nice. Or to put this in the wise words of Bambi’s friend Thumper, the bunny rabbit – “If you can’t say somethin’ nice don’t say nothin’ at all.”

Pick your battles

How often have you heard this advice about parenting? This is great advice for child-rearing—and it’s great advice to follow in your marriage as well. In any human relationship there will be disagreement and conflict. The key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing and which are better off ignored. By doing this, you’ll find much less negative energy between you.

From now on, anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine the issue at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How important is this?” “Is this worth picking a fight over?” “What would be the benefit of choosing this battle versus letting it go?”

The 60 second cuddle

You can often identify a newly married couple just by how much they touch each other — holding hands, sitting close, touching arms, kissing — just as you can spot an “oldly-married” couple by how little they touch. Mothers, in particular, often have less need for physical contact with their partners because their babies and young children provide so much opportunity for touch and cuddling that day’s end finds them “touched fulfilled”. 

So here’s a simple reminder: make the effort to touch your spouse more often. A pat, a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage – the good feeling it produces for both of you far outweighs the effort.

Here’s the deal: Whenever you’ve been apart make it a rule that you will take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch and connect. This can be addictive! If you follow this advice soon you’ll find yourselves touching each other more often, and increasing the romantic aspect of your relationship.

Spend more time talking to and listening to your partner.

I don’t mean, “Remember to pick up Jimmy’s soccer uniform.” Or “I have a PTA meeting tonight.” Rather, get into the habit of sharing your thoughts about what you read in the paper, what you watch on TV, your hopes, your dreams, your concerns. Take a special interest in those things that your spouse is interested in and ask questions. And then listen to the answers.

Spend time with your spouse

It can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you spend all your time being “Mommy” and “Daddy”. You need to spend regular time as “Husband” and “Wife”. This doesn’t mean you have to take a two-week vacation in Hawaii. (Although that might be nice, too!) Just take small daily snippets of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted conversation, or even just quiet companionship, without a baby on your hip, a child tugging your shirtsleeve or a teenager begging for the car keys. A daily morning walk around the block or a shared cup of tea after all the children are in bed might work wonders to re-connect you to each other. And yes, it’s quite fine to talk about your children when you’re spending your time together, because, after all, your children are one of the most important connections you have in your relationship.

When you and your spouse regularly connect in a way that nurtures your relationship, you may find a renewed love between you, as well as a refreshed vigor that will allow you to be a better, more loving parent. You owe it to yourself — and to your kids — to nurture your relationship.

So take my challenge and use these ideas for the next 30 days. And watch your marriage take on a whole new glow.

Parts of this article are excerpted with permission from books by Elizabeth Pantley:

Kid Cooperation: How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children,

New Harbinger Publications, Inc. and by McGraw-Hill/Contemporary

Website:  http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth 

A Scarlett letter?

My son is almost 2 and a half years old.  I saw the light at the end of the tunnel about two years ago.  Since then, I have talked with dozens of mothers suffering from perinatal mood disorders.  We have chatted online, emailed, talked on the phone, met for tea, and/or sat together at the postpartum support group here in Atlanta. Over these couple of years I have stood beside many women who have successfully been treated for PPD.  Others, I have watched get much worse before they got better, having chosen to "wait it out" before realizing months later that unfortunately waiting is not a proven strategy for recovering from a PMD.  Some of them contacted me after finally having gotten treatment and recovering to thank me and let me know they were well.  Others attended a support group or contacted me only once or twice and I haven't heard from them again.  I can only pray that they are doing well.  Still others have continued to keep in touch, serving as a guest blogger at Beyond Postpartum, still attending the support group to provide hope to newer moms, etc.  And a couple of other moms I consider friends from life before kids had struggles postpartum that they have chosen not to discuss, even with close friends like me.  These women opted either to deal with their transition alone or to seek professional support only.  I pray that privacy, rather than embarrassment, motivated these women to keep their issues so hidden.  Each case is indeed unique and I could go on and on about where these moms were and where they are now.  However, the most unique thing about each of these moms, in my opinion, is how she chose to take her PPD into her "new life."  While we all hope to get back to being us, the person we were before PPD, it seems like we all change a bit, if not a lot as a result of our experiences.  If your PPD came shortly after having your first child, like mine, it seems to me like it would be practically impossible to be the same as you were before.

Today I want to share with you an important message.  Here it is: YOU have the power to CHANGE lives.  Repeat..."I have the power to change lives."  It's true.  Remember, 1 in 8 women suffers from a form of postpartum depression.  That means you know someone who needs to hear she is not alone.  Someone who needs to know about resources that exist to help her find treatment, learn more about what she is going through, and feel encouraged by stories of women who have been to Hell and still come back to a place of health and happiness.

What you do with this message is your choice.  Will you wear your Survivor Mama status as a Scarlett letter of unnecessary shame or will you proudly look back on your ability to survive your mood disorder?  Will you hide behind an artificial smile, refusing to be honest with anyone, including yourself, about your sadness and difficulty adjusting to motherhood, keeping that to yourself and choosing not to help anyone- not even yourself?  This is not meant to be an admonishment, but rather a reminder.  A gentle reminder that you didn't cause your PPD.  That you are not to be blamed for, feel guilty about, or feel ashamed for what you've gone through.

I do encourage and challenge you, though, to be an advocate.  Not everyone is called to be a public advocate...blogging, tweeting, and speaking out to large groups about PMDs.  However, I do ask you to pray about, consider, and discern how you are called to advocate for women with PMDs.  Will you be a gentle quiet helper of a friend after she has a baby, taking care of her needs, helping her to recover and realize she will make some mistakes and that's okay?  Or maybe you'll be the one taking on arranging meals and housecleaning help for a friend so that she has coordinated support in the early months postpartum.  Or maybe you'll unobtrusively observe a new mom who seems a bit depressed or anxious and tell her your story...prompting her to consider reaching out for help, using resources that you have gently provided her with so she doesn't have to find the time or energy to research on her own.  Or, maybe you do feel called to do something "big."  If you do, I encourage you to make your desire public.  Contact Postpartum Support International and see where they need volunteers locally.  Start a support group in your town.  Write about your experience.  Boldly talk about PMDs with pediatricians, OB-GYNs, PCPs and whoever else will listen in the medical community of your city.

Each and every one of you reading this today can make a difference.  Do so however you feel comfortable and called to.  There is plenty of work to be done.   If you are not sure how you might best be able to, contact me; I would love to chat with you about it.

Life after PPD; Lessons Learned: Be where you are.

Be where you are.  Otherwise, you will miss your life.---Buddha

Sometimes where we aren't isn't comfortable.  When I had PPD, I had plenty of symptoms.  I could have easily rattled off insomnia, heart palpitations, ruminations and obsessive thoughts, racing thoughts and other discomforts that as a conglomeration created my very own near-Hell-on-Earth.  But frankly, the best way I think I could describe PPD would be to say, "Imagine being as absolutely physically, emotionally and spiritually uncomfortable as possible.  As if you could not stand being in your own skin.  That is how it feels to have severe PPD and Anxiety."

When I was sick, I could not stand to "be where I was."  Nothing felt worse than to not only be where I was at the time, but also to obsessively think about it.  As I moved through, out of, and past my PPD, I began to look for insights that had come as a result of my experience.  There were many.  I want to share one with you that I believe is a lesson learned that we might all benefit from...

You who are regular readers of this blog know well how my son's sleep habits and my own issues with sleep have caused some stress in our house over the past few years.  When he was an infant, my son was a great sleeper.  He slept nearly all night beginning at 11 weeks and continued to sleep well until he was nearly two years old.  I praise God for this gift- He truly knew that in those early months I needed as much rest as possible and that in order to get well continuous opportunities to sleep (even if I wasn't always successful at doing so) were necessary. 

In the past year or so L's sleep habit have deteriorated.  Thankfully, most days even my anxieties about interrupted sleep do not compromise my mental health in the way that they did when I was suffering from PPD.  I can handle a few awakenings at night without feeling moody or angry nowadays.  When I think back to much earlier days in his infancy, I realize that even one crying fit in the night would cause me to be unstable and think very negatively about life, including occasionally having somewhat suicidal ideations.  Thankfully I never planned to harm myself, but it was in these moments of early mornings after a night of little sleep that I would find myself thinking things like, "It would just be easier not to have to live this life anymore.  I can't handle it."

When I was sick, it was all I could do to get through the day.  In the early days, when I was first diagnosed with PPD and before I was very far into treatment, I had a lot of help.  I am grateful for it because I truly could not take care of myself or my son for an entire day, let alone a week.  Between a nanny, family and friends, we had a schedule that required me to be alone with L for no more than 3 hours per day.  Part of this plan was that although I would be responsible for very little of his care in the daytime, I would do the nighttime routine with him.  This routine was developed as a result of me reading a ridiculous number of books on baby sleep during a period in my third week postpartum in which I was in a manic phase that caused my brain to both have racing thoughts in periods of rest and be able to read and comprehend information at an incredible rate.  It was not unusual in this period of time for me to read 5or 6 books in one day- cover to cover.  As a practical and normally decisive and proactive personality, with so much information in my head I didn't have a choice but to employ it.  It was not long before I created my own sleep strategy by blending tips I had read throughout these days and formulating our own ritual.

Because OCD was inserting itself into our lives at this time, this ritual became an obsession, and like most people with OCD, my level of anxiety hinged on my ability to perform this routine to an absolute ritualistic perfection.  Because it needed to be performed perfectly, and because I was convinced only I could do that, I was the giver of the bath, the feeder of the bottle and the rocker to sleep.  Each of these tasks was coupled with a dozen or more others, and the bedtime ritual routinely took much longer than an hour to complete.  This bedtime routine took place, of course, at 7:30 or 8pm, and for me after a night and day of little sleep because of chronic insomnia.  At this time of the day I was physically exhausted.  So much so that it would be immediately after L went to bed that I would collapse and fall quickly into the 2.5 hours of sleep that was the only which I would successfully achieve until the next evening.  As you can imagine, all of these tedious care-taking chores were grueling after nearly 20 hours of sleeplessness.  Yet, the obsessive need to control the situation and the irrational belief that my child would sleep better if I performed these tasks in this manner, drove me to continue doing them night after night.

Months later, when my mental health was stabilized and I had begun to come out of the PPD fog and back to life as a person, I continued to do the nighttime routine.  It was indeed my ritual and had become a part of the time that my child and I routinely spent together.  My husband would get angry when I would become irritated during this time or complain about all of the tasks involved.  I am sure because a) I was the one who developed this system in the first place and b) it was time that he felt I had always enjoyed as a daily accomplishment- on all but the worst of days I would put my son to bed...something I could go to bed feeling good about despite my illness.  Yet, I found myself resenting him and all of these tasks.  I was so tired at the end of the day, during these evening hours, and the number of steps to the routine was wearing me out.  Still, I plugged along each and every night, until about a year ago.

When I had pneumonia last March I realized how very sick I had gotten as a result of not caring for myself and once I was sick not allowing myself to get well.  Sure, some of it was just being a mom, and not having a choice about having to care for a young child.  But, some of it I had done to myself.  Not asking for help.  Not slowing down and letting little things go for a while when I was under the weather.  A mistake I'm certainly not alone in making in Mommyland.  After my infection turned into pneumonia my husband and I woke up and realized I needed to rest in order to get well and be able to care for my family again.  We didn't have a choice but for him to take over the nightly routine.  It is from this period of time that the division of labor in the evening became a bit more balanced.  My husband regularly gave my son the bath so that I could have a few minutes to myself before doing the other tasks.  What a freedom and joy this little bit of help offered.  After a few weeks of Daddy bathtime I began to resent bedtime less and less.  I felt less tired by the thought of evening and found myself enjoying the time I spent just before bedtime with my son more.  It was great until L started resisting bedtime and began to take nearly an hour to settle down and go to sleep- which wore me out and began to cause some anxiety each afternoon about the impending battle.

Realizing that his night sleep was getting worse with age and not better, and that the evening battles were causing problems for our whole family, I was determined a few weeks ago to stage an intervention.  I needed L to relearn how to soothe himself to sleep in the evening and back to sleep at night.

After reading a few more sleep and discipline books, I, in typical fashion, integrated several philosophies into my own system.  I won't bore you with those details, but basically, as we have approached these issues we are dealing with in our toddler's sleep habits most of the changes we have made are actually related to his schedule throughout the day and evening, as well as how we handle nighttime awakenings.  In the past ten days, we have had 5 candy nights!  A huge success rate compared to our dismal numbers over the previous weeks.  The main effort we have made is to simplify the night routine.  The tasks now take closer to 30 minutes and we handle the rest with a similar approach of minimization.

It is amazing what has happened within me in these past days.  I find myself having moments of ultimate love and contentment regularly as I hold my child close just before putting him to bed.  I enjoy each second of our time together and even look forward to the evening, despite the fatigue I feel at this time of day (which must just be a part of my body's rhythm since I am getting sleep now).  What a difference making these changes in our home has made.  Sure, my son is sleeping better at night and that's great.  But, even better, is the fact that I can be where I am.  I am no longer wishing away the seconds, minutes and hours of evening, resulting in missing my life, as Buddha says.

What's the lesson here?  Especially if you have PPD or are a survivor of it, make changes in your life that will allow you to be where you are.  Relax.  Prioritize.  You may already feel like you have missed so many days due to your illness.  Don't allow yourself to be robbed of anymore.  Take care.  Simplify.  Love.  BE.