A Survivor Mama & Licensed Therapist shares her PPD Story!

A HUGE thank you to Jacqueline for spending time and careful consideration on this interview.  I am so pleased she reached out to me a couple of years ago and continue to look forward to getting to know her better and working on some projects in advocacy and education with her.  

I think you'll enjoy her story...she shares it from the perspective of a mom of Elementary age kids.  

Can you give us a little background on you before kids and what your family looks like right now?

I grew up in Atlanta, went to college in Georgia and came back to Atlanta after college. I was not one of those girls who really knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. I knew I wanted to get married and have kids, because that is what women are supposed to do, right? That was more or less how I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I did want children, but it wasn’t something I genuinely longed for. I was really a late bloomer when it came to discovering who I was and what I wanted my life to look like. My children were actually what empowered me to come into my own as a woman.

    

I have an 8 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. My husband is loving, generous, compassionate, supportive, funny and smart. I feel grateful every day that he is the father of my children.

You are a Survivor Mama...you recovered from Postpartum Depression.  When did you know something was wrong?  How did the PPD manifest; what were your symptoms?

I don’t think I really knew something was wrong until after I recovered.  I always said that it first started when my son was 6 months old and I stopped breastfeeding. That is certainly when the symptoms of depression set in. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I felt worthless and incredibly irritable. However, things didn’t feel good the first 6 months either. My son was a colicky baby. I am someone who likes predictability and structure, so I did not function well with an unpredictable schedule and not much sleep (my husband makes fun of me because I really do need 10 hours of sleep a night). Not knowing when I would get a break each day made me feel very anxious.
 

Breastfeeding was difficult at first and I felt trapped doing it. Thank goodness for a supportive lactation nurse who told me that it is not worth doing if I was miserable.  She gave me permission to have a choice. I felt grateful for that. I don’t think a lot of mamas get that advice. I believe it is the “all or nothing” thinking that creates a lot of anxiety and depression and I certainly believed things had to be “all or nothing.” 

I remember writing a letter to my husband telling him I was sorry for something (what I wasn’t exactly sure), but I knew something was wrong with me. I just assumed I was inadequate somehow because I couldn’t adjust to being a new mom. I was supposed to be so happy, but I felt far from it. I loved my son dearly, but it was difficult for me to adjust to the demands of motherhood, and I was terrified I was going to fail. I am not sure that feeling ever goes away, really. I have just learned not to take that feeling so literally and give myself permission to make mistakes. I make a lot of them.

When and how did you treat your PPD?

I didn’t get treated for my PPD with my son. Fortunately, it subsided on its own, but I was sure to be proactive when it came time for my daughter. The unfortunate experience with that was how some of the medical professionals I was working with didn’t want anything to do with medication. The plan was for my OB to give me an antidepressant in the hospital. For whatever reason, I didn’t get it. I waited a few weeks after we brought her home and called for a prescription. The OB nurse said because I was breastfeeding, I needed to call my pediatrician. The nurse at the pediatrician’s office said I needed to call poison control. Poison control read me a study from the American Academy of Pediatrics on breastfeeding and antidepressants. I was not a therapist at the time and had no clue what any of that information meant. They proceeded to tell me to call my pediatrician. No one wanted to help me.

When I finally got my daughter to her 6 week well check, I asked my pediatrician. He read the same study as poison control. With a blank stare, I asked, “What does that mean”? He said, “by the time it gets to the milk and to her, it is a miniscule amount. Just watch her and make sure there are no pattern changes.” I thought, “pattern changes?” She’s six weeks old!

I finally got the medication from my OB at my 6 week check up and sought therapy which helped me to have a healthier experience. There is a lot more research and knowledge now concerning medication and pregnancy/breastfeeding. I encourage all mamas to talk to your doctor and a mental health professional if there is any concern. If your Doctor isn’t supportive and won’t give you resources, don’t give up. You are not a bad mother and it is ok to get help.

How are you helping mothers today, using the experience you have had personally?

Today I am a therapist who specializes in the treatment of postpartum mood reactions. After I recovered, and started graduate school, I became extremely passionate about working with mothers. Every mother has a voice and my goal is to empower her to use it.

As a mom of children who are past infancy, what do you say to new moms who feel like the baby stage is going to last forever?

I won’t say “enjoy it because it goes by so fast.” While that is true, it is not very validating or helpful in the moment. I never liked it when people would say that to me.

My advice would be to take it day by day. Stay in the moment and don’t judge yourself for having times or days where you just don’t enjoy this stage. It is o.k.! You can be a good mother and not enjoy every moment of being a mother. Infancy is hard. My most important advice is self care, self care and self care!!

What is your favorite parenting moment?

My favorite parenting moment is watching my children overcome fears. My son does not like to be the center of attention. He is what we called “a runner”. At his preschool sing along and as a ring bearer at age 4, he ran both times when it came to the moment to perform. At the end of his kindergarten year, they had a sing along that he complained and threatened to leave weeks leading up to the event. When the moment arrived, he stood up there singing and smiling. When it was over, he said he had fun. He has never had an issue since.

What is the funniest/most embarrassing thing that has happened to you since having kids?

We were at a nice restaurant in town and our daughter was maybe 13 months old. She had a very runny #2 that flowed out of her diaper, all over the high chair and onto the floor. We quietly cleaned up what we could and left (after paying of course).

What advice would you give to a woman who is expecting for the first time?

Have a dialogue with your partner about roles and responsibilities, as well as keep the lines of communication open after the baby comes in case the roles need to be adjusted. Allow dads to be involved. They can be just as nurturing as moms and they are just as important. They can also feel just as inadequate as we do.

What would you say to a new mom, if you could only share one thing?

Being a parent is always hard, sometimes miserable, as well as joyful, spiritual and fulfilling. It can be all of those things at once. It does not have to be one or the other. Pay attention to both and don’t judge yourself for however you feel.

If someone is suffering from PPD, what do you think is the most important thing they can do to expedite their recovery?

Educate yourself on postpartum mood reactions, know yourself and plan for support and self care. There is no shame in having postpartum depression even though I think society still says there is. All moms have the right to advocate for themselves. It also models self advocacy for their children.

"I keep hoping this is just Baby Blues..."

I am so grateful when I hear from moms in the early weeks postpartum.  I celebrate their reaching out for support proactively because I know that their families will benefit from it.  Unfortunately, sometimes the gray area of postpartum mental health in those early days can cause some confusion around what a mom might be experiencing and whether it may be a PMD.

Usually, the moms may write something like this:
 "Dear Amber, I found you through your blog/support group.  I am a new mom to a beautiful baby and I just love him/her!  I gave birth 12 days ago and I haven't been feeling myself the past couple of days.  I have been crying a lot and feeling pretty anxious.  Why isn't this time of my life joyful like I hoped it would be?  Why do I feel so uneasy?  Well, I guess it's probably just sleep deprivation.  I am sure I will feel better soon.  Thanks for letting me vent!  Sincerely, New Mom"

Do you take from that what I usually do?  Sometimes moms write to me just to get things off their chest.  Some write because they are hoping if they just tell someone they'll have done enough to remedy the situation.  Others write because they want someone to tell them that most certainly what they have is temporary and will resolve on it's own.  The good news is that for some of these moms, some of that is true.  They have what is known as "typical" baby blues.

This is what baby blues looks like:
Baby Blues is not considered a disorder since it is mild and experienced by the majority of new mothers (approximately 80%). Baby blues should be gone by about two weeks after the baby is born. It often includes the following symptoms: Sadness – Crying – Low Self-Esteem – Feeling stressed

Unfortunately, most of the moms who reach out to me do find that what they are experiencing is a real postpartum mood disorder (estimated at 20% of new moms).  Whether it was intuition or simply knowing themselves, they realized in their heart of hearts that something was wrong.

In my opinion, the best way to determine what's happening with you in those first weeks is to ask yourself the following questions:
Has it been longer than 2 weeks since I have given birth?
Am I feeling worse as days go on?
Am I eating much more or less than usual?
Am I sleeping much more or less than usual?


If you answer yes to most or all of those questions, I would suggest that you look for resources as soon as possible.  Reach out to your doctor or midwife if you think he/she may be well educated about PMDs (unfortunately we cannot yet assume that to be the case, but we- postpartum advocates- are working on it!).  Go to Postpartum Support International's support page and find out who volunteers in your area...then contact them asap. 

*However, if you are experiencing the following:

• Delusions
• Hallucinations
• Paranoia
• Rapid mood swings
• Difficulty communicating

PLEASE seek help immediately- you may be experiencing the medical emergency postpartum psychosis...which often strikes in the first days or weeks postpartum and can endanger you and/or your child.

I wish I could tell you that hoping or praying your blues or anxiety away will work.  I can't.  Treatment and Support are the only resolutions to PMDs.  However, I can tell you that if you do have a PMD and are seeking support and treatment that you do have HOPE.  You will get better.  (And, for me, praying did help, too.)

Back-off, BFing Bullies!

I came across this amazing article written by a mom in response to the fear-mongering "research" that has recently been unveiled all over the cyber-world.

This is my favorite snippet from the Parentdish piece:
Interesting, isn't it, that we focus so harshly on the one part of parenting that only women can perform? A part that society uses to determine whether or not a mom is doing the right thing, as if there aren't a thousand decisions we will make in the next 18 years?

Babies need love and they need food, which they can get from the breast or the bottle. Next subject please!


Here's what I have to say about it:

Most moms who choose not to/aren't able to breastfeed already feel horribly guilty. I wish that the energy/time/resources/$ Lactivists put into putting down formula and formula feeders was redirected to volunteering their time in peer support for moms, so there was a hands-on resource for those struggling...THAT would improve the stats on % and length of breastfeeding.

And since this sort of guilt association is so common with c-sections, too, I leave you with this bit of humor to lighten things up a bit...

"I was cesarean born. You can't really tell. Although whenever I leave a house, I go out through a window."
                                              Steven Wright, US Comedian

Blogger Award: Honest Scrap

I was sent this award by Shannon at Managing Mommyhood (Thank You!!). She is a SAHM (by her own definition) of 4 boys which means I have a lot of respect for her and a special connection because one of my BFFs is about to have HER 4th boy.  Her blog is a wonderful balance of personal stories and tales of balancing everything that goes along with caring for a home and children.  She also talks about her PPD experiences!

The next step in receiving this award is to list "10 Random Things about Myself".  In light of the sentiment of honesty that this award is intended to celebrate, these items will be honest and revealing, sometimes making me vulnerable, but what the hey...

1-I get nervous anytime I am going somewhere for the first time...like a new post office... weird, huh?

2-I go to bed early...as in, 10:30pm is a REALLY late night, early.

3-I work PT at a church.  I have been working in a church environment for over 8 years.  An acquaintance once told me, "Working in the church is like watching sausage be made and still wanting to eat it."  She was SO right...you have to have to really stay focused on the faith and bigger purpose of "the Church" to not be disheartened by some of the internal aspects of church...it is an organization, and a business, and it is made up of humans.

4-I take things too personally and sometimes even over-personalize things that have nothing to do with me...like, "so and so must not want to be my friend anymore because they haven't called me, commented on my blog, etc."  It's ridiculous, irrational and the only real lingering PPA symptom I have.

5-I dream (mostly daydream) of being by myself on a beach vacation every. single. day.

6-I don't believe gambling...no lottery tickets, card games for $, etc.  However, I am a total sucker for Silent Auctions and we win many, many hotel stays, pieces of jewelry and fun things for L. through attending them.

7-I used to see everything in black or white.  There was one right way and all other ways were wrong.  Since recovering from PPD and becoming a mother I see many more shades of gray.

8-I rarely begin or end prayers...since I am in conversation with God all day long we just kind of have this running dialogue going.

9-I am a work in progress...constantly striving to become the mother, daughter, sister, friend, and wife that God wills for me...I hope one day to get closer to that goal than I am now.

10-I LOVE dogs, but right now I am too overwhelmed by raising children to even consider having another mouth to feed, peeing and pooping being to clean-up after, and night-waking creature to disturb my sleep.  I hope when the little one(s) are a little more independent we can consider adopting a pooch!

Now, I get to pass the award along to some of my favorite HONEST bloggers!

The Fearless Formula Feeder

Adeqate Parenting

The Heir to Blair 

Rena+Brandon=love&2boys

Good Enough Mother

I Thought I Loved You Then

Mommy Needs

Thanks to Lauren at Sharing the Journey (Unexpected Blessing) for this awesome award that she just shared with me!!!

An Interview with PSI's Birdie Meyer and Me on A Labor of Love Radio Show

I am pleased to let you know that on Monday at noon EST I will be recording a program on the Labor of Love radio show on Voice America regarding postpartum depression and related disorders (along with Postpartum Support International's Birdie Meyer).  Here is a link to the program's webpage.  Thanks to Karen Angstadt to inviting me to participate and for taking such good care of women!  

Here are some details about Karen:

Karen Angstadt

Karen Angstadt is a mother of 2, Wise Woman and Birth Mentor. With over 10 years experience teaching women to uncover, hear and honor their intuition through individual mentoring, in 2008, Karen began sharing her methods with pregnant women to guide them to their inner voice and empowered choices for birth.

As a mother of two, having experienced both hospital and homebirth, she understands the concerns of women starting, or expanding, a family. The core of Karen's philosophy is the belief that all choices that are born of the heart are ideal and valid for each individual. There are many opinions surrounding pregnancy and birth choices, but there is only one that really matters- yours.

Karen is the founder of Intentional Birth.com, host of A Labor of Love radio show on the VoiceAmerica network, author of the Living Intention e-zine and serves women through individual mentoring, tele-seminars, and home study material.

Once the program is recorded and uploaded to the site, you'll be able to listen in.  I'll let you know when it is up and running!

Survivor Mama Katie shares her story- Read on...I think you will identify!

A special thanks to Katie, my new friend in the blogosphere, for her willingness to do this interview, her candid responses and especially for all she is doing to allow her honesty to help others through her blog.  Blessings to you for a full recovery and a future filled with joy!

Can you give us a little background on you before kids and what your family looks like right now?
I come from a large extended family that all live close to me. I am a Pediatric Nurse, I married my amazing husband Justin and we settled into our home in 2008. We got pregnant soon after our wedding and now have our beautiful daughter Adeline who is almost 5 months old.

You are a Survivor Mama...you suffered from Postpartum Depression.  When did you know something was wrong?  How did the PPD manifest; what were your symptoms?

I feel like I never felt normal. I blamed all my thoughts and feelings on sleep deprivation, instead of recognizing that my inability to rest was a symptom. Adeline was 3 weeks old and I was literally going out of my mind. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. I was angry about my unplanned C-section and subsequent gallbladder surgery. I cried all.the. time. Then it got worse. I started to think that Justin and I had made the biggest mistake of our lives. I wasn't attaching to Adeline. Everyone would say things like "Oh, don't you just love her, isn't she just the best thing to happen to you." I would offer a weak smile and lie through my teeth. Truthfully, I resented her. Even thought Justin and I had planned her, I suddenly felt a huge loss of freedom. I didn't want to be a mother anymore. I literally wanted to run away and NEVER come back. The responsibility of raising a child was a daunting task, an impassible mountain in my mind. I didn't want to do it anymore. I felt so out of control. In an attempt to have some control I started obsessing about Adeline. I NEEDED her to be on a schedule, she had to be on one. I would get little panic attacks just thinking about her need to be on a schedule, and then I started having an irrational fear that if I didn't do x then people would think I was a bad mom. I was terrified to be alone with my daughter, I didn't want to make a mistake in her care. I thought if I made a mistake everyone would know. Then, even after talking to my OB and starting some antidepressants and antianxiety meds, it got worse. I still wasn't sleeping, or eating. I started having horrible thoughts, picturing myself throwing my daughter against the wall. It absolutely terrified me.

When and how did you treat your PPD?

At first my husband and mom urged me to call my doctor when my daughter was 3 weeks old and it was clear that I didn't just have the "blues". When I started having the thoughts of harming my daughter, I was too weak mentally, emotionally to call out for help. My husband recognized this and called my doctor for me. When I was too weak, he helped me. My medication dosing was increased. Further treatment has been weekly and then biweekly appointments with a psychiatrist. And prayer, lots and lots of prayer.

You have a blog...tell us more about that.

I started my blog (ithoughtilovedyouthen.blogspot.com) when I first found out I was pregnant, a way to share with family and friends who couldn't be there for every moment. I continued writing throughout my pregnancy and even when Adeline was born.   I didn't write about my PPD and PPA at first, I was ashamed. I didn't want anyone to think differently of me. Then I just let it all out. It felt so good to write about it, out in the open. Because there is nothing to be ashamed of.

How are you helping mothers today, using the experience you have had personally?

I write honestly and openly about my PPD and PPA. I am helping mothers out there realize that you don't have to be perfect, and there is nothing to be ashamed of, especially if you suffer from a Postnatal Mood Disorder. 

What is your favorite parenting moment?

I love when my daughter first wakes up in the morning, or from a nap and she just grins at me and laughs and waves her arms around like crazy, so excited to see me.

What is the funniest/most embarrassing thing that has happened to you since having kids?

I had just dropped my daughter off at daycare for the first time. After explaining Adeline's likes and dislikes and showing her daycare teacher my perfectly packed diaper bag that would have everything Addie would need that day I was interrupted. Addie's other daycare teacher had taken her out of her carseat to find Addie completely soaked in her own pee. Yep. I had forgotten to change my kids diaper before leaving the house. They were so understanding, but I was so embarrassed, it happens to the best of us I guess :)

What advice would you give to a woman who is expecting for the first time?

Soak it up. Every moment. I wish I would have enjoyed my pregnancy more instead of worrying about every little thing. And time really does fly, I can barely remember those first few sleepless weeks. Soak up all the newborn snuggles you can, before you know it your baby will be wiggling and squirming in your arms. 

What would you say to a new mom, if you could only share one thing?

Well I am a new mom myself, but the best advice I have received is : You have to do what is best for you and your family, don't feel pressured by your doctor, your best friend or society in general to mother a certain way. Breastfeed or formula feed, co-sleep or don't, ferberize or babywise or baby-led, whatever works for your family is what is best for your family. I think there is so much pressure out there on moms in particular, from other moms. We need to band together and stop criticizing and judging each other's mothering.

If someone is suffering from PPD, what do you think is the most important thing they can do to expedite their recovery?

Do not be afraid to get help. There are so many women I have talked to who have said they had the same feelings I had and just brushed them off. There is so shame in admitting you have a postnatal mood disorder, there is no shame in getting help. Your baby needs a healthy mom. Besides getting help, the thing that has helped me most is my amazing support system. My husband, my mom, my family and my best friends have made my road to recovery a little easier. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. If someone isn't being supportive or doesn't understand what you are going through, it's okay to take a little break from that relationship until you are healed and better able to deal with them.

Wordless Wednesday: Losing Battle, Part Deux

Last Monday I returned from Library Storytime with L. to this...Note: this door was the only one to which I had a key.

Comment Quiz: How do YOU think I managed to get us in the house???? 

I'm starting a movement...to resurrect the playpen.

I've been a parent for 2 years, 6 months and 13 days.  I don't think a single day of that has passed without me experiencing the internal struggle of hands-off vs. helicopter parent philosophy.  I liken it to the angel vs. devil shoulder debate in cartoons of my childhood.  Teasing out my real feelings about this from my want (and frankly need) to be an independent, "I still have a life outside of kids" adult is a real challenge.

This article by an attachment parent guru was such an enjoyable and reassuring read.  She, as a co-sleeping attachment parent, openly admits to allowing her children to do things independently, figure it out themselves, make mistakes and take chances.  Not exactly a popular take on parenting these days, in my observation.  Whew!  (wiping my brow in relief)

As a Survivor Mama, guilt and questioning myself constantly are just components of life...a regular part of the parenting routine for me.  Knowing which questions are appropriate, normal and helpful in my experience as a mother and which are divisive, self-depreciating, and harmful is not an easy determination.  So, when I have a lot of things to do around the house on my days away from work outside the home yet my son is begging for attention all day long it's not a no-brainer for me.  It'd be easy to just say, "sorry, laundry, cleaning and emails need to be taken care of...go play trains."  But saying that elicits self-doubt.  Is it ok to say no to your child?  Repeatedly?  Is proudly saying, "I'm not a helicopter parent!" a mark of my sanity or simply a cop-out?  Sure, we all survived to be reading this as adults, even after being sent out "to play" for 8-10 hours a day as children after having been  plopped in a playpen for most of our infancy.  But, what about doing more than surviving...thriving?  Can that be achieved by children of parents who take a more hands-off approach to raising children?  Those who let their children learn from a skinned knee or a busy parent?  I say yes!

So, while I am not recommending anarchy in the young families of today, I am encouraging moms and dads to take a chill pill.  Your kid's ability to use a spoon as an adult will likely not ride on whether or not you read 10 books and watchd 3 videos on the topic before developing a strategic 10 day plan to train him/her to do so.

Here's what I am going to evaluate when considering this issue in the future:
Will this decision likely result in my child becoming seriously injured or ill?
Will my child's development likely be hampered to the point that remediation in the future will be needed?
Will my long-term relationship and bond with my child be negatively impacted?
Will my child's social interactions be compromised?

If the answer is "no" across the board, then I think it is safe to assume that your child will be a-ok and that you might find a bit more joy (and a bit more sanity) in this whole motherhood journey.

I'm (day)dreaming of...

what else?  Sleep!

The other day I was as per usual spending a few minutes browsing Facebook, solely for the purpose of making sure I didn't miss any life changing news announced via the social network.  Truth is, FB has been pretty boring lately, but I have begun to rely on it more and more for new blog post updates since I follow way too many blogs now to keep up with all of them.  Anyway, in my newsfeed that day were some photos of a tropical vacation an acquaintance and her spouse had taken sans children.  They had captured a long weekend of frozen drinks, beach chaises and sandy beaches on camera and now were sharing their memories with the world.

Sure, the idea of adult beverages for lunch and reggae music by the pool were enticing.  But what I was most envious of when perusing their pictures was the idea that a child-free overnight (which I haven't had since becoming a mother, unless you count less than 24 hours in a 2 star motel in Pennsyltuckey for my grandfather's funeral) would allow for uninterrupted sleep like I haven't had in years.  Don't get me wrong, things are better (she says while knocking loudly on wood), but regardless I still feel like my sleep, be it a nap or nighttime slumber, is no longer my own and won't be for a long time. 

Whether you have PPD or not, have children who are infants or teens, sleep probably eludes you as a parent, or at the very least is something that has changed dramatically in your parental endeavors.

Here are links to some articles I have read recently on this topic that I thought you all would find interesting:

The most interesting research I have read in a long time is this study, which indicates that the perception of sleeplessness or poor sleep quality is much more correlated to depression and anxiety than actual sleep quality and quantity from an objective perspective.  HELLO!  How could I not have realized this sooner?  This makes perfect sense to me and is probably exactly what all that frozen drink/kid-free vacation daydreaming I talked about above is really about.  I slept fine last night.  Probably got close to 8 hours and thanks to my little blue friend, Tylenol PM, which I took for a headache,only woke up twice in the night and fell right back asleep.  Yet, just knowing that I was awakened by my crying toddler at midnight makes me tired.  Makes me want to stay in a hotel or B&B or even a tent overnight.  If I am honest, I would probably worry so much about being away from my baby overnight that I wouldn't sleep at all, but having the opportunity to do so would be peachy.  So, is it really all in our heads?  If we had no memory of our night-wakings with baby, would we still be tired and anxious the next day?  Good question, huh?  A girlfriend of mine and I often muse at the fact that we complain about not being able to sleep past 4am or getting up with a sick child the previous night, yet we don't feel any different than the day before when we'd had a good night's sleep.  So which is it?  Is a connected 8 or 9 hours key to sleep success or is accepting what you got and not over-analyzing it the real answer?

This one, an article regarding research into intentional sleep deprivation as a depression TREATMENT is shocking and a little sketchy in my opinion.  We all know that this very factor is a contributor to PPD.  Sure, one isolated incident of sleeplessness may create a "high" in an otherwise well-rested individual.  A temporary one, obviously, as the research suggests that the depression will likely return as soon as the person resumes sleeping...which we all have to do sooner or later, right?  And for moms with PPD, this treatment can't be isolated to just one night, because most moms experience months of sleeplessness because of their baby nightwaking and perhaps the insomniatic effects of PPD.  If only it were that simple, right?

Lastly, this article from PsychCentral discusses a possible connection between sleep problems in children and youth and drug-related issues later on in life.  Basically it contends that young adults with a history of sleep issues are more likely to engage in drug, alcohol and cigarette abuse.

What do you think?  How's your sleep?  How does it impact your mood?  Have you noticed connections that the research above has made in your own situation?

Update: I really am okay!

I realized from the emails I have gotten recently that perhaps my last post should have had an addendum or at least noted that immediately after my little breakdown in staff meeting I felt better.  That's the joy and beauty of being a Survivor Mama...unlike having PPD/PPA, once you've recovered you are usually rational enough to realize that your anxiety will quickly lessen or go away and that life is generally good.  No, I don't believe I ever will be the same, so to speak, but I do know that I am fully capable of handling both BIG and little problems.  Sometimes I may not handle them well from the gate, but eventually I will turn the ship around and face and overcome.

I cried it out, albeit in a rather inappropriate venue, and then turned to my proactive, problem-solving skills to iron out the details and negotiate the price of the event that was causing me grief.  Once I had my ducks in a row I felt a whole lot better! 

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you.  First for your concern, but most of all for allowing me this place at Beyond Postpartum to tell it like it is.  That's what I do here.  It may not always be a popular choice, and I realize that it puts me in a very vulnerable place since some readers are people who I do know personally but with whom I might not choose to share such personal and sensitive stuff.  Each day, though, I make a choice to write as openly (regardless of who is reading, or not) as possible about my experience, past and present, hoping and praying that it might reassure, inspire, bring awareness or simply touch just one person's life. Having this forum in which to do this is a true blessing.

With gratitude,
Amber

A fitness guru Survivor Mama shares her Story

This is Christina A.'s story...in her own words.  A big thank you to Christina for sharing so openly about her experiences postpartum from her perspective.  She spent a lot of time on this interview and I am very grateful!


Can you give us a little background on you before kids and what your family looks like right now?
I guess you could say I've been an over achiever my entire life. In high school, I was class valedictorian, I lettered in 4 sports, and I had a lot of friends. I was also very successful in college. I participated in many extracurricular activities and was lucky enough to experience studying and interning both overseas and in Washington D.C. I was accepted into law school at the University of Notre Dame.

Prior to having children I worked as an attorney practicing just about every type of law before I finally ended working as a staff attorney for an appellate court. I was very independent and I never really had any urge or desire to get married or to start a family.  My career and my social life were my top priorities.

As of today, I am no longer practicing law. I am staying at home with my youngest who is two and a half now, while my 9 year old is off at school. I still do some legal editing for my husband who is a law professor but I have been spending most of my free time moderating on a bodybuilding message board and contributing in the nutrition section of another board. I also spend a good deal of my day responding to e-mails from women and their husbands who have questions about either my diet or workout routine and want some help setting up their own.

You are a Survivor Mama...you recovered from Postpartum Depression.  When did you know something was wrong?  How did the PPD manifest; what were your symptoms?
Survivor mama...I love how that sounds. But I did more than survive PPD, I managed to find my way back from Postpartum Psychosis. My husband and I knew I was going to have problems even before my second daughter arrived. I have had hypertension since I was a teen and we knew going into the pregnancy that the condition would be exacerbated by the pregnancy. I was placed on bedrest a few months in and was medicated from the very beginning. At around 7 months I began having panic attacks where I couldn't breathe and my my blood pressure would go through the roof. I was seeing my ObGyn twice a week for fetal monitoring and every appointment I would beg and plead with her to schedule a c-section. I was so miserable, anxious and depressed that I was actually hoping for something to happen...I wanted the baby out...NOW! I actually had a calender that I used to count down the days. By the end I had broken up the boxes and was counting down the hours.

I remember before the panic attacks happened I was so excited to decorate the nursery and to buy clothes for the baby. I kept trying to imagine what she would smell like and what she would like like as I sat in the big rocking chair in the nursery. Towards the end, I was no longer fantasizing about the baby, I was thinking about dates with my husband and weekend trips...and having a glass of wine...having multiple glasses of wine. I was fantasizing about everything that had NOTHING to do with motherhood.

When it finally came time for my scheduled c-section, five weeks prior to my due date, I had been taking ambien and was still not sleeping. The panic attacks were becoming more frequent and I thought I was going to lose my mind during the operation. It wasn't my first c-section but I was still absolutely terrified. I made it through somehow and MJ came out strong and healthy.

When we got her home though, she was only sleeping for an hour or two at a time. I heard the usual advice, sleep when the baby sleeps...but I couldn't. I made it through the first few weeks with a ton of help from my husband but I was getting progressively more and more frazzled. I would cry at the drop of a hat and I wasn't even remotely happy about anything.

It's hard to remember what happened next because of all the medications and doctors appointments... inpatient and outpatient treatments...and the drinking. Most everything is a blur now. But what I do remember is going back for checkups with my ObGyn and her reactions each time she saw me. The first visit she said I didn't seem like myself. The next visit she told my husband that based on my speech and mannerisms that I was borderline catatonic and they needed to get me in somewhere quick. At this point we had hired a night nanny so that I could get some sleep. We were paying a ton of money for this service but I still wasn't sleeping...so I tried to medicate myself with alcohol. I wanted to be knocked out for as long as possible because I wanted to escape from everything. I remember sitting in my living room shaking and sometimes crying waiting for the nanny to sneak in and take over.  It was horrible but it was such a relief to hand the baby over. I honestly felt that the nanny would be able to better care for my daughter. I would then take my ambien and have my wine and go curl up and wait for sunrise. Near the end,  I would pass out for only a few hours and pop awake in a state of total fear...laying in the dark, alone, exhausted yet wide awake.

When I'd get up in the morning, the strangest thing started to happen. I had absolutely no desire to socialize but I was deathly afraid to be by myself. If my husband or my mom couldn't be there with me every second, I would pack the baby up and would take her walking at the mall. But I didn't want to hold her...I was afraid to hold her...I just wanted to keep her in the stroller. I remember looking at every other mom wondering, was she like me? Was she sleeping? Does she look happy? Sometimes I would stop and ask them how much their baby was sleeping. I didn't really want to know.

I remember friends and relatives calling the house all the time. They wanted updates on the baby, they wanted pictures, emails...anything. I stopped answering the phone because I didn't want to talk to anyone unless it was about my agony. Looking back, I think I stopped taking calls from anyone that might tell me about how happy they were. I didn't want to hear it. I was so jealous of anyone and everyone. Eventually I just stopped socializing all together...and I even stopped changing clothes. I was getting so fat and bloated from the meds and the drinking that I had to go back to my maternity clothes. I would have something that I would wear to sleep and then I had something that I would wear to doctors appointments. Any anybody who knows me realizes that this is so not me. I am a very proud person. I never go grocery shopping without getting all done up. But at this point...I really couldn't care less.

My husband tried to get me out a few times and I remember it was sometime around Christmas that we ran into some neighbors at a restaurant. I remember it so vividly because one, I asked my husband if he thought they "knew" after our conversation ended, and two, I realized it was the first year we had not put up decorations or a tree. It brings me to tears to think about it. My baby's first birthday and I couldn't muster up the motivation to set up a tree. Again, people who know me and my family know that every year we are the family with all the lights and the reindeer, and the goofy Christmas pig and moose. But not that year. Our house was dark.

It's hard to think of all the other horrible things I experienced. I remember complaining of physical symptoms like my skin burning, shortness of breath, at one point I remember telling my husband my emotions had gone numb and I couldn't cry. I could not muster up a sad enough thought to shed a tear. I was getting to the point where my entire day was spent trying to figure out what I was feeling and trying to describe it to people.  I would go through old pictures where I looked happy and I would try to remember what that felt like...but I couldn't.

My night nanny was one of the first people to recognize that something was horribly wrong. She had seen it before. So she gave me the number of a client that was recovering from the same thing. I can't remember how many times I called her terrified, crying, pacing (oh the pacing), obsessing, describing over and over how I was feeling or not feeling. I no longer identified with anybody else. Not my husband, not my friends, not even my parents. With every passing day I remember that I was losing more and more of myself and was slipping further and further into what I think I could now describe as insanity. I was at the point where I was considering suicide but I didn't want to die. I just didn't want to live as ME anymore.


When and how did you treat your PPD?
It took several months of misery before I took any action. My ObGyn initially prescribed me lexapro but I had a horrible reaction to it. My jaw would lock, I would get buzzing in my ears, my face would flush, and I would pace. I was becoming manic. So I ended up going to see a specialist in Cleveland who then put me on Clonazepam. She promised me that I would sleep if I took it, but I still wasn't sleeping. So I started drinking a lot. I was sleeping less and less and passing out more and more. I was hungover and dehydrated. I eventually had to 'fess up to what I was doing because I couldn't go on like that much longer. My husband didn't understand how I could be "asleep" for 7 or 8 hours and not feel rested. The doctor who was prescribing the clonazepam had already tacked on Zyprexa to the mix and was also at a loss as to why this was not knocking me out.

So once I came clean about the drinking, I had already gotten to the point at my job where I could no longer function the way I needed to because of the medication so I resigned from my position. I now had the time to seek some heavy duty treatment. I was admitted into an inpatient mood disorder clinic where I had to participate in daily group therapy sessions. I remember thinking at the time that they didn't help at all...but my husband would claim otherwise. The doctors managed to get me put on a regimen that worked for me and  gave me the space and the calmness to start to heal.

I think the biggest turning point for me though was seeing pictures of myself and my family. We all looked so miserable. And I know I was disappointing everyone who meant anything to me. I always say the turning point for me was when my oldest daughter asked me to take a mommy-daughter yoga class with her because she heard yoga was something that makes people feel good. The first few classes I actually shed a few tears looking at the other moms wishing I could look and feel as relaxed as them. Eventually, gradually, I started to.

You have a blog...tell us more about that.
This is actually something that my husband encouraged me to start up because I was spending so much time responding to e-mails from so many people on another site. He figured it would be easier for me to address most of the questions that were being asked over and over again all in one place. It was almost a year ago today that I put up a "bodyspace" profile on www.bodybuilding.com. I was doing a low carb diet and was attending pilates classes and mountainbiking several times a week. And because I was no longer working, I had the time to focus on my diet and training. I also started posting regularly in the nutrition section. After the website selected me as Transformation of the Week I developed quite a following on the site. So many moms wanted to know how I did it...what were my secrets...how did I find the time? So one year and hundreds and hundreds of questions later I realized that I might be able to do more good if I put all of this information in one place: www.redheadlaw7.com where I talk about my attempts at "getting my mommy groove back." I'm hoping that if I can get the message out to at least a few moms suffering from PPD that it DOES end and they CAN find themselves again that all of my suffering was worth it.


How are you helping mothers today, using the experience you have had personally?
As I've mentioned, I have been contributing a lot on www.bodybuilding.com and have recently begun moderating at www.moarmuscle.com. On both sites, I have been very active in the nutrition sections and try to keep up to date on any new studies that come out regarding diet and mental illness, or diet and hormones. I'm also part of multiple support groups where members provide daily motivation, guidance and inspiration to each other. I have some rather shocking before and after pictures that I have posted...so I'm hoping that showing myself at my worst is giving other women the courage to post questions or participate knowing that somebody else has been there. Because I have been such a big hot mess, and I'm not hiding it from anyone, I think women feel safer confiding in me. They realize I am in no position to judge anyone and I am so happy that so many women have let down their guard and have asked me for help.

What is your favorite parenting moment?
Oh...that has to be the hardest question you can ask a mom! No fair! I can't pick. Both of my daughters provide at least a laugh a day.

What is the funniest/most embarrassing thing that has happened to you since having kids?
Oh another unfair question! Again, on a daily basis I am humbled by the daunting task of parenting and the realization that I am most definitely not the world's best mom. I'm sure if you asked my husband he could give you multiple answers!

What advice would you give to a woman who is expecting for the first time?
The best advice I could give is don't buy into all of the parenting magazines that tell you how you should feel or how to look while pregnant. I don't anyone ever goes into the experience fully informed about all of the crazy things that you're body will do and stop doing during and after pregnancy. No two women and no two pregnancies are the same. So don't be shocked when it's not going as planned. Just go with it and enjoy it because it is a time you're going to want to remember.

What would you say to a new mom, if you could only share one thing?
Be kind to yourself. Chances are you are going to be your own worst critic.

If someone is suffering from PPD, what do you think is the most important thing they can do to expedite their recovery?
I'd say the best thing to do is to talk about it, tell people. Don't hide how you are really feeling. Don't pretend there is nothing wrong. Chances are there are so many people out there that would be more than willing to help. Let them.