Life After PPD: Competitive Parenting

Do you ever find yourself watching a TV show, chatting with a mom on a playground or talking to an experienced mom of many and later saying to yourself, "Gee, I wish I was more like so-and-so."?  I do.  When I see the mom with three or four or five kids dressed in her cute shirt and capris, hair done, new sandals accenting her pretty pink pedicure with a perma-grin plastered on her face...I do.

As Survivor Mamas, who are typically filled with unnecessary, unwarranted guilt and anxiety over how their mood disorder might have impacted their child/ren, it seems only natural that judging ourselves and feeling "less" than other moms might be a normal next step once the depression, anxiety and obsessions go away.  If you are here reading this blog, then you're probably a mom who chose to get help so that she could do the best for her family.  Give yourself permission to move on, away from any guilt and judgment, as you have done the best for your child by sacrificing your time, energy, financial resources and privacy so that you could be healthy and your family could be happy!

As stinky as self-judgment is, especially for a mom who already has a tendency towards depression and anxiety, judgment (or fear of judgment) can be even more damaging, paralyzing and isolating.  Recently USA Today published an article titled, Why do mothers judge one another and their parenting?  In it, they explored how parenting trends have changed so rapidly and how much even expert advice varies.  They also identified that most of the parents, even the most judgmental ones, aren't sure of themselves, question their own decisions and have worries that probably make them appear to be know-it-alls when they might just be seeking input or approval of their own decisions.  Here are a couple of snippets from the article, 

"Though women might shrug off criticism about other aspects of their lives, many say they feel crushed when someone picks apart their parenting — the job they care about most. "We're all so desperately in love with our babies," Swanson says...

 "Being a mom can be scary and isolating, and we're all insecure about the job we're doing," Moleski says. "It's rare that someone tells you you're a good mom. That's why we get so defensive. It confirms our worst fears."

"It's always easier to solve someone else's problem than one's own," she says. "But we don't always need to fix things for people. We need to have more patience and compassion, for other people and ourselves."

"Mothers don't need to take criticism to heart," Spiegel says...Moms can often defuse a tense situation — and let go of hurt feelings — by considering what motivated someone to criticize them. Someone who condemns the parent of a noisy toddler, for example, may simply be revealing her own need for control and may not be the best judge of good parenting, she says.

Parenting has become overly competitive and a full-contact sport.  In the process, we've isolated ourselves from people who can relate most to us and have damaged relationships that often mean the most to us.

I know that I intend to make my life after PPD as full as possible.  And since I do enough judging myself for all of us, I plan to both avoid judging others and ignore any judgment I might be on the receiving end of, in order to break this awful cycle that has spun out of control.  If we have anything to learn from our sisters of prior generations, it's that motherhood is a shared experience made better by doing it together, rather than alone.  The only way we can walk together is to break down the walls that divide us.

Hey Y'all!

I have got a bunch of stuff in the pipeline to share with you...links to pieces of news and research, updates on what's been happening in my crazy (no pun intended) world, and helpful tips that I have learned through experience like the one I shared about recognizing and addressing your anxiety recently.  BUT, unfortunately, I just don't have enough seconds in the day lately to get all that down on "paper" and share it in the most comprehensive and effective way.  So, in the meantime, I want to direct you to some great blogs where lots of good posts and conversations are being shared.  These are awesome, brave women who share my same spirit of opening ourselves up and exposing our most personal selves in a very vulnerable way in the hope of helping others and healing ourselves a bit in the process.  Thanks, ladies, for all you do.  You ARE the best!

Lauren has had some great posts recently at her newly renamed and redesigned blog, My Postpartum Voice.  Make sure you bookmark it!

Kimberly is feeling relief of her postpartum depression and celebrating that.  She's also been diagnosed with PTSD and discusses her experience in her latest post.  She is honest and gritty and I LOVE reading her tales from the workplace.  Check out All Work and No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something!

The Heir to Blair talks about her recent hospitalization.  I am so proud of her for reaching out for help and being honest about her thoughts/feelings.  So glad she is back and OK!

If you have noticed, the blogosphere has EXPLODED with "Mommybloggers" who have decided to open up about their struggles with perinatal mood disorders via their blogs.  Here are links to a few of writers who are probably new to you:
O My Family's Allison writes her first post about her PPD
Not Super...Just Mom blogs for PPD/PPA Awareness with guest bloggers
DesignHERmomma writes about her Postpartum Anxiety
The Mom at Arms Wide Open shares "her Story"

p.s. I haven't been living with my head in the sand for the past week.  I PROMISE I am working on a post about all the drama conversation taking place regarding the recent research about Dads and Postpartum Depression.  Hint: Yes, I read the research and yes it's real.  More on that soon!

Mental Health Blog Party Day at Beyond Postpartum

Today has been designated as APA's Mental Health Blog Party Day .  I am joining some fellow PPD bloggers like Lauren Hale, Kimberly from Make Mommy Go Something... and John Grohol at Psych Central in a effort to decrease stigma.  You'll remember my post from last week regarding the way mental health terms and conditions are so easily and carelessly thrown around and my contention that this has only added to the idea that depression, anxiety and OCD are just symptoms of weakness, laziness or pure craziness.  That somehow if folks who suffer just tried or prayed hard enough they'd easily and quickly "snap out of it."  Um, yeah, boy don't I wish it was that simple.

Here's a snippet from the APA website:

May is Mental Health Month, and on May 18, bloggers will come together to educate the public about mental health, decrease stigma about mental illness, and discuss strategies for making lasting lifestyle and behavior changes that promote overall health and wellness.

And here's my contribution: A list of things I think would be helpful to someone who is experiencing a particularly difficult time with a mental health issue.  These are strategies, but are aimed at loved ones, not the sufferer.  This list will be targeted to someone whose loved one is facing a PMD, but can be applied (with a few tweaks) in most any situation.

• Instead of asking, "Can I help with anything?" ask, "What can I do to help?"  If the person doesn't respond or says she doesn't know, then provide a couple of examples of things you might do, like bring a meal or do a load of laundry start to finish.
• Try to identify the everyday tasks or issues that are most overwhelming to that person.  If a mom with a newborn has a colicky baby who isn't sleeping much and you know that the deprivation is exacerbating her illness, then offer to care for the child so she can get at least 3 hours to herself to rest/sleep.  If, on the other hand, the new mom enjoys caring for her laid back child who doesn't need to be held 24-7, then perhaps household chores are more helpful and offer those up.  I hear from so many women with infants that people always offer to come over and "help with the baby" only to arrive at your house expecting to be served tea and a snack and carry on engaging conversation with the new mom while they sit on the couch holding a sleeping newborn.  This IS NOT helping, people...this is just adding to the mom's physical and emotional drain.  If you don't have something else to offer, then stay away.  Or better yet, stop by the store and pick up a rotisserie chicken and leave it on the doorstep.  You'll have helped without putting a strain on the family.
• Meet her needs.  If you are tempted to send a $75 basket of baby blue carnations to the hospital, think before you make the order.  Ask yourself, is this what would be most helpful and bring the most joy to this particular person?.  Maybe the answer is yes.  For some, like me, though, I'd rather you hire a postpartum doula for 4 hours or get me a pedicure gift certificate.  Having some support or an hour of relaxation to look forward to will go a lot further than dyed flowers in a ceramic toy chest.
• Don't be a know it all.  Sometimes a mom just needs to talk.  To vent.  If she isn't asking for advice or a "solution" to her problem, then don't offer one.  You may think that "if only she did x, y and z" things would change or improve, but perhaps she has a different idea or needs to figure that out on her own.  At this vulnerable stage a new mom does not need to be bullied or bossed around.  If you feel like you have really beneficial advice to offer, then do so gently and subtly.
• Be very clear that you are not judging the person and that you will keep whatever they share with you and whatever you observe in their home while helping them confidential.  People are much more open to accepting help from someone they feel they can trust and won't have to "fake it" for.
• Follow-up.  If you can only offer your physical presence or a meal one time because you have too much going on at that particular time of your life, then by all means do whatever you can, no matter how small a contribution.  But, make sure to show the person that you care even if you can't do anything more at that time.  Offer a phone call, text or email to ask how things are and let them know you are thinking about them.  Sometimes just knowing people care and are praying for you offers a huge help.

In closing, let me say that no matter whether the person facing mental illness has a chronic illness or a temporary disorder like PPD, they deserve our respect, our help and our kindness.  Let us not forget that mental illnesses, and especially PMDs, do not discriminate.  No amount of education, religious faith, income, or personal strength can ensure that one may not have to face this demon in the future.  Treat others how you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes...you never know, you might find yourself there one day.

Still in Awe

It was a Monday morning exactly two weeks ago.  It was raining cats and dogs in Atlanta, the kind of rain that brings flash flooding and power outages.  I was driving to meet a colleague in PPD philanthropy for lunch at a restaurant near my workplace.  The phone rang.  It was my husband.  "Where are you?  Please be careful driving."  But it was more than that.  His voice was shaky, his tone one of fear and sadness.  "What's going on?" I asked.  "Amy's (name changed to protect her privacy) brother was just killed in a car accident."  "Oh my goodness!" I exclaimed.  I couldn't believe it.  It was sweet, dear, twenty-something, Amy.  Amy whose wedding was less than two weeks away.

Over the rest of the week, Amy and her family would mourn, pray, celebrate and comfort one another.  They would plan a glorious celebration of her brother's life.  Several days after his death a huge church building would be filled to the brim and over-flowing with people showing their love and support.  Well-known people in her brother's industry would attend and speak at the funeral.  The service alone would last more than three hours with a repeated theme of "The Cosby Family", "the best person I knew",  "a faithful servant of God", "an inspiration", "and an incredibly humble human being" just touching upon the sentiment of the life and loss of this young man.  In the front row would sit his immediate family and his widow.  His twenty-something year-old High School Sweetheart.  The one he had just married in that sanctuary just FOUR WEEKS prior.  Lord, have mercy on them.  Provide them comfort and peace in this time of tragedy.

One week after the funeral I found myself dressing for Amy's wedding.  Each phase of the preparation and then the event seemed to be filled with overwhelming emotion for me.  We arrived at the site of the wedding and reception and sat near the front.  We watched as the grieving family members entered, greeted one another and were seated.  As the Mother of the Bride was escorted down the aisle by her only living son.  As the beautiful widow elegantly walked down the aisle as the first member of the bridal party.  Just as she had done 5 weeks prior at her own wedding.  The one that preceded a marriage that on earth ended after just three short weeks.  As she stood silently supporting her sister-in-law and endured hearing words like "welcome children" and "as long as you both shall live" spoken by the Priest who had spoken those same words to her just days before.  No words.  There are NO WORDS to describe what she must have been feeling or the incredible strength that must have been provided her only by divine intervention to stay upright and calm through the entire ceremony. 

Later, we moved to an adjoining room where the reception was held.  On our way, we shook the hand's of Amy's parents.  Offering congratulations on their daughter's wedding and our affirmation of what a blessing and joy she is as a person.  Later, toasts, traditional dances, bouquet tosses and music continued to cloak the day in a focus on life, on faith, on strength, on joy. 

On a couple of occasions throughout the evening I found myself standing next to or nearby the newly widowed bridemaid.  Watching as she fought back a couple of tears that only someone observing her very closely would have noticed.  As she clapped, danced and offered her support of and happiness for this celebration.  This joining of two beautiful people.  As she prayed along with the rest of us for a long and fruitful life for them, knowing that her life with her husband was neither long or fruitful.  That unlike the rest of us there that evening, she didn't have the man she loved by her side to hold her pocketbook, retrieve her a glass of wine from the bar or slow dance with. 

I teared up repeatedly at different moments in the night.  Never triggered by what you might think would elicit such a response.  Watching Amy's parents dance to an R & B hit, smiling and gazing at their daughter dancing with her new husband by her side.  As her mom sat down on a bench and took it all in, not having forgotten the lavishly decorated umbrellas needed for the upcoming Second Line dance.  As a friend of the family grabbed the grieving wife and whispered strongly in her ear, "You'll be alright.  We're all right here.  Right here."  I have never seen such strength.  Such resolve.  Such grace.  Such class as I saw Saturday evening.  And as the beautiful Mother of the Bride gracefully made her way to the dance floor carrying two beautiful fully extended umbrellas I resolved to remember that moment for the rest of my life.  To humble myself to God.  And to say, If this incredible family can endure the horror of this tragedy and rely on God's grace and their faith alone to carry them with pure abandon, then surely I, too, can have faith to endure whatever comes my way.

If there has to be a Mother's Day...

then let it be everyday.  I don't really like so-called "Hallmark Holidays".  I do think that we should celebrate our love (Valentine's Day) our parents (Father's and Mother's Day), our administrative help (the day formerly known as Secretaries' Day), and everyone who works hard to make sure we are healthy and successful as a society.  But, there is something about it that seems so contrived, so formal and so forgiving of people who may not do squat to honor these folks the other 364 days of the year.  This article, written by one of my fave parenting gurus, Kirk Martin of Celebrate Calm, helps put a little more flesh on that, specific to Mother's Day.

As it relates to moms, I think this topic is very important.  What if there was an effort to take care of moms' needs every day (or at least every week)?  How would this change things?  Would moms feel less depressed, anxious, isolated, fatigued, or unappreciated?  What if Mother's Day was just one of 52 Sundays when the kids let mama stay in bed a little longer, be served instead of serve, and go get a pedicure without feeling guilty or having to rush back with wet polish to take someone to soccer practice? 

You all know I participated in the Mother's Day Rally at Postpartum Progress.  I was honored and blessed to be included amongst women whose names are much more well-known than mine and whose credentials are much more lengthy than mine.  You can find my contribution, in the form of a letter to new moms, in its entirety below.  I also plan to list it on the sidebar, as a permanent link, so that it is easily accessible and y'all can link to it and share it with friends and family who are expecting or newly postpartum.  I hope you'll also click this link and then read all the other letters as your time allows.  Here's what I had to say about the Rally:
I love how our pieces were like quilt squares; unique, yet overlapping and sewn together to blanket people in comfort, hope and insight.  Great job, everyone! 

Dear new mom,

Congratulations.  Seriously…Not in that trite, I say this to all my friends who give birth just like millions of other women everyday do, way.  Rather with sincerity and honest intent.  You see, while millions of women do indeed become mothers by giving birth or adopting a child each and every day, no one has done so in exactly the way you have.  Like little snowflakes, you and your child are as individual as they come.  Unique in every way.  Shaped by your history, your biological makeup, and your experience.

You may encounter some people who will tell you that there is a right way to give birth, either before you do so, or after.  These people might tell you that only one laboring method or way to give birth is “correct.”  That you should have done something differently.  There will be others that will tell you there is only one right way to feed your baby.  That you must do this a certain way, without deviation, or the earth might stop revolving or your baby might be harmed.  These people will label themselves advocates, though really antagonists might be more apt a name for them.  As a result of this pressure and bullying, you may be tempted to feel guilty or as if you have failed if your labor, birth or feeding methods don’t 100% match up to the “standards” set by these self-proclaimed experts.  I urge you instead to accept and celebrate your unique style of parenting as right and perfect for your family..  I fell into a trap of guilt, fear, and self-hate for my circumstances that prevented me from being able to think positively about one of the most miraculous and life-changing experiences I will ever have…and I don’t want that to happen to you.

After you give birth your way, you may begin to feel anxious, angry, concerned, sad, or disoriented.  When these thoughts and feelings arise you may wonder where they came from and be scared that they will continue.  You may try to discern whether these feelings are “normal” despite having no prior experience with which to compare them to.  If this happens, I want you to know a few things.  These are things I didn’t know and that I wish I had…

-You will get better.  One of the most debilitating and frustrating symptoms of PPD is the feeling of hopelessness that accompanies the illness.  Even though you probably don’t believe me right now, you still need to hear it.  You.  WILL. Get.  Better.

-Be careful.  Not every new mom has a blissful experience during pregnancy, childbirth or postpartum.  One of the most common comments I hear at support group meetings is that many women who are experiencing a mood disorder feel very alone, even when surrounded by other mothers of young children.  They often tell me that new moms in playgroups boldly proclaim how much they “just love” being a mother.  Is that true?  I’m not sure; maybe for some women.  What I do know is this…at least one in eight new mothers experiences PPD.  Not all moms fall instantly in love with their children and being a mother; for most it takes some time.  Whether you did or didn’t doesn’t determine how “good” of a mother you are or will be.  If being around these over-exuberant new moms doesn’t make you feel better and less isolated, then don’t do it. 

- Please seek social support from women who DO understand.  Whether it be in the form of individual or group peer support, it is important to your well-being. 

-Be open to various treatment options.  Many of us go into pregnancy and motherhood with a very strong conviction about health-care related issues.  I encourage you to be open to both "natural" and conventional methods.  Sometimes Postpartum Depression and related disorders may require prescription medications and therapy with a professional to fully resolve.  Your ultimate goal is wellness so that you and your family are happy and healthy.

-Ask for and welcome help.  Many of the personality traits that may have been risk factors for you (such as perfectionism or a controlling, rigid and/or inflexible disposition) may also prevent you from being comfortable asking others to do things for you and your family.  Because sleep and rest, time to yourself and exercise are keys to your recovery, it is important that you embrace help from others, even if it doesn’t come naturally. 

-Be as kind, gentle and patient with yourself as you would with your best friend.  We tend to be our own worst critics and harshest judges.  We also often feel (especially when we are depressed and anxious) that we don’t deserve to be taken care of and to be given time to heal.  Remember that the best way you can care for and love your family is to take good care of yourself.  A well mama=a happy family.

Most importantly, I want you to know that you will be “yourself” again.  When I was sick I couldn’t muster the energy or motivation to cut my toenails.  I ruined a lot of socks before I was my nail-clipping self again.  But not to worry, my pretty pedicure is present now.  Some women who have survived PPD say that they will “never be the same.”  This might be true, but I hope that you won’t think of that negatively.  I am not the same…I am a less rigid, more vulnerable, honest and humble person thanks to my PPD.  I always write about my experiences in motherhood from the perspective of someone who survived PPD.  Why?  Because the journey doesn’t end when you stop attending support group meetings, take your last anti-depressant or attend your last therapy session.  It continues.  You are a mother.  

Congratulations.

"Oh, I am like, so, OCD!" lol

Ever see a Facebook post or hear someone (who doesn't actually have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) make a comment like that?  I observe that sometimes people generalize a mental health term to describe an everyday life occurrence.  To attempt to describe what they are feeling, in a sincere or sarcastic manner, without much regard to how someone who really does suffer from that disorder might feel or how much using it in that nonchalant manner might diminish or demean what the horrors of suffering in that way really mean.  For example, I do a regular search on Twitter for #postpartum.  For every bogus post or marketing attempt there might be few good links and thoughts shared.  A lot of what I have to sift through, when looking for good research, ideas or tidbits to share with you all, is sad.  It makes me sad because how people may be knowingly, but probably without giving it a second thought, adding to the stigma of mental health issues ,or at the very least the idea that they are something that with a little effort can simply be moved past.  Oh, don't we wish it was that easy???!

Here are a couple of REAL tweets that I have seen recently...
"...think I've got postpartum depression from my own birth."
"...and so begins my daily postpartum lunch depression (sigh)"
 And in just 1 hour time there were 39 posts with #OCD and only 3 of them referenced the mental health issue.


Do you see people "throwing around" diagnoses or belittling people with mental illness by generalizing and over-using terms such as PPD or OCD?  How do you respond?  What might we do to address this issue?

What does your anxiety look like?

A while ago, when I was still struggling with some negative thoughts as we transitioned to the toddler phase from the baby one, my therapist made a suggestion.  She told me to visualize the anxious thoughts and feelings I was having.  So I decided to give them a shape and to pretend that my mind had a front and back door, just like a house.  That I was having a party in my mind, and that I had sent out invitations to this party.  When I answered the door to my mind, I would see some welcome, positive thoughts arrive with invitations.  That I should invite them in.  I should hand them a cocktail and offer them a seat...a comfortable one so that they would stay a while.  And then, when instead of politely ringing the doorbell, the negative and self-defeating anxious thoughts arrived and pounded on my door, I could address them.  But, I needed to make a conscious effort before the party to remember what they looked like...

My brother has some anxiety.  His looks like hypochondria and takes over when his emotions get the best of him and he begins to feel pain in his chest, to feel it tighten, to struggle to breathe.  He thinks he's dying.  It scares him.

My father, on the other hand, is an over-weight smoker.  His is different.  Trouble breathing is probably a way of life for him.  But, social anxiety gets the best of him.  When he feels overwhelmed in crowds or unknown places, he comes off as being too direct, rude and uncaring.  Really, he just doesn't know how to be gracious or patient and so instead he reverts to his subconscious negative side as a defense mechanism of being basically offensive...to push people away.

My sister's anxiety manifests itself in Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  She never makes it to a big family event on time because she spends the couple of hours before in the bathroom inevitably.

They know what their symptoms look like and how they affect them.  So, they are much easier to recognize and deal with. My family's anxiety issues range from mild, everyday anxiety to a real clinical condition.  I wanted to share these examples with you so that you could see how variable anxiety-related issues are.  And theirs is just a sampling. 

Back to me...so I am at the party and I see something approaching the door.  It's dark, cloudy, and familiar.  Very familiar.  It's got a noose around it's neck.  It's holding a baby bottle, a scalpel, a list of all the ways I am different.  It's got some of my family members on the cell phone, and I can hear them bellowing about my choices, and how it's not necessary to eat organic, to breastfeed, to have a strict routine, to avoid sugary foods, to write about my depression/anxiety openly, to like living in the South...It's got a photo of Supermom in it's other hand.  It's in one of those digital frames and the photo of the mom changes to whomever seems to be a better mom than me that day.  Across it's elbow hangs a bag.  Inside the bag are chains.  Attached to the chains are padlocks.  Each padlock is engraved.  Guilt.  Anger.  Longing.  Fear.  Fatigue.  Uncertainty.  It stands tall, despite all these belongings.  It does it's best to push me aside and enter my mind.  "Oh, yeah, I've got an invitation in here somewhere," it says.  But I remember.  This is the same thing that happened last time I had a party.  It wasn't invited back.  There is no invitation...

And so, I politely say, "Hello, Anxiety.  I'm sorry, but you aren't welcome here.  Please leave quickly through the back door."  And then I go in, grab a glass of wine and sit down next to my welcome guests...and stay a while.

Om.

It's a few minutes before 10AM.  I enter a huge, nearly colorless room.  The 20 foot ceilings tower over me and the shelf, holding a large painting of a lotus, a vase filled with branches and a single candle greets me, from a distance probably equivalent to a football field length away.  It is silent, but for the breathing of a couple of other people, seated or lying on their colorful mats.  I turn my phone to vibrate, place my belongings into a cubby and gather the tools I will need to make the most of the next hour and a half.  My bright orange mat.  A couple of blocks.  A bolster.  A blanket.  There is intenitonally no designated front or back to this room, but if there had to be, I would find myself settling into a corner at the back of it.  Wearing loose cotton clothing and barefeet, I sit down, begin to soften my eyes and become aware of my breath.  It's been at least a week, since the last time I thought to breathe more deeply and tried to focus on calming, not in order to survive another two year old's temper tantrum, but to do something entirely for myself.  This 1.5 hours is for me.  Only me. 

I practice yoga.  It is the perfect fit for me.  Not overly aerobic, yet challenging.  Private and non-competitive.  Quiet.  Relaxing.  Invigorating.  Not unlike a service of Worship, it is better when done in a group, yet requires very little conversation.  Perhaps it is Worship for those who practice it as not only a part of their exercise and mental health regimen, but also their religion. 

I did yoga before I was married, before pregnancy and even a bit during pregnancy.  It was something I signed up for at the local community center when I lived in New York.  When the class was offered and when it didn't interfere with my professional or social calendar I went.  It was good.  When I was pregnant a did a prenatal yoga video a few times at home.  It was good, but I didn't live it.  I didn't practice it. 

After I had L and got sick, I didn't have a habit or practice related to exercise or meditation to turn to.  Yoga was not woven into the fabric of my life enough for me to revert to my subconscious mind (the one that was still somewhat sane) and pull it out of the tool box as a resource.  In fact, it never crossed my mind.  On the other hand, since I had practiced Hypnobirthing every day for months on end, that resource was at the surface, ready to be utilized and I did.  When I was trying to fight the insomnia, I pulled out my i-pod and listened to the meditations- floating on a cloud of yellow, breathing love to my baby...except, how could I breathe love to a baby that just thinking about made me overwhelmed with anxiety?  The relaxation techniques were helpful, but the focus on pregnancy and the baby within them was not helpful.  So I put the i-pod away and turned to more intellectual attempts at addressing my issues.

Because I had had a c-section, I also had an incredible amount of fear and concern around my physical healing.  I had complications after the surgery that were apparently normal (at least according to my obstetrician) but that just made me more aware of the unexpected and disappointing birth I had experienced.  The pain and numbness in my abdomen.  The pulling sensations and the months it took me to be able to fully sense when I had to urinate.  The bright pink scar that was still visible, despite the great care my doctor took to make it very small and very low- below my bikini line.  I am still haunted by that c-section and feel that somehow it was a product of my failure as a mom.  But all that is better left for another post.  The c-section relates to this post in that the idea of stretching my body and laying down on my belly probably weren't a good option for me initially, but certainly after a few months would have been just fine.  Instead I waited over a year to go "back" to yoga.  To actually begin to endeavor to PRACTICE it.  The changes that have since resulted have been incredible.

Because my mind tends to race, even on normal and happy days, yoga allows me a respite from my "modus operandi."  It is so effective at bringing awareness just to the now and just to my current surroundings that I often feel like I have gotten the equivalent of 12 hours of wakeless and dreamless sleep and a 90 minute massage by the time I leave class.  Each pose requires incredible attention to detail and a dedication to focusing on making the body do what the mind requires of it.  There is very little time or room left to let your thoughts wander and being present is a necessity in order to follow the flow of the asanas and poses.  What a gift.

If you have (or had) postpartum depression that is accompanied by any degree of anxiety, I highly recommend that you experience the joys that yoga brings.  You can find a studio near you at Yoga Finder.  Look for a class for beginners or one that is for "all levels."  Go in with an open mind.  Do not let yourself be concerned about the Buddhist roots, for regardless of your religious beliefs yoga can be incorporated.  You can even integrate prayer practice into your meditation if you wish.  If you cannot for whatever reason get to a studio (though I recommend moving heaven and earth to try to make that happen) then I recommend at least during your child's nap, dimming the lights, lighting a candle and popping in a DVD.  You can buy many fairly inexpensively online.  Look for one that integrates breathing and meditation techniques that you might employ even when not exercising, in everyday life.

I don't just speak from personal experience when it comes to the tremendous benefits that yoga can have for people who suffer from depression or anxiety.  A good deal of research has been done in the past few years examining the effects of meditation, exercise, and yoga in people who have depressive mood issues.  Here are some articles supporting exercise, yoga and meditation as effective treatment options (generally as just a part of a treatment plan, though an integral one)...

The Role of Exercise in Treating Postpartum Depression: A Review of the Literature

Yoga for Anxiety and Depression

Depression symptoms may lift with Transcendental Meditation

Has yoga been or become a part of your practice?  Has meditation been an effective strategy in combating your depression?  How do YOU make time for yourself- physically, spiritually and emotionally?

(not-so) Wordless Wednesday: What's your forte, the everyday or the emergency?

 

I couldn't post this photo without a little explanation.  There was quite a lot of excitement in the "mother of boy" experience last week.  Tuesday, I was headed to my (now) occasional appointment with my therapist when I got a call from our nanny.  "L jumped off his couch, landed on the ottoman and split his cheek open.  It's not really bleeding badly, and he's not upset, but I think you should have it looked at."  I called my therapist's voicemail on the drive home and then headed with a Rocky-esque L to the local Urgent Care where we know the owner/head physician.  I didn't want to chance picking up a crazy number of germs at our local children's hospital or the wait that we'd probably encounter.  My brain kept telling me as we waited for an hour in the Urgent Care waiting room that it was silly for us to be there, that L had barely a scratch to go with his black and swollen eye and that there was nothing they'd be able to do that I couldn't have done at home.  Yet, something in my gut kept telling me to stay.  To wait it out.  To continue to allow "The Mayor of the Waiting Room" to entertain the other patients with his antics so that we could get the boo-boo evaluated by the real doctor (not just Dr. Mom).

I could go on and on about how incredible L did during the wait, the evaluation, the additional 30 min. wait for the topical anesthesia to take affect, the huge needle inserted in his face, just below his eye, and the stitch and glue that sealed his cut.  And all of that would be true.  But, what matters more, for us, Survivor Mamas, is the fact that even after a horrible, severe, life-threatening mood disorder, we still have that instinct...intuition and bond to our children.  Rest-assured, you Mamas who are suffering right now and worrying how it might impact your kids or affect your relationship with them!  

Because of my crazy childhood, filled with daily dramas of alcoholism, abuse, isolation and overwhelming responsibility which was completely inappropriate for my age, I sort of know how to handle a "situation."  For example, at 16, I was driving (with only a learner's permit) down a highway on a 30 mile trek in the middle of the night from Pittsburgh to my hometown far outside the city with my inebriated mother in the passenger's seat.  The bouncers at a bar on the river had carried her there and now I was trying to get us both back safely, without causing too much attention to us by the turn-pike operators or the police, since what I was doing was completely illegal.  Suddenly, while traveling about 60 mph, my mom awakened a bit from her stupor and began flailing her limbs.  She was yelling nonsense, a regular occurrence, and kicking wildly.  A couple seconds into her tirade, she kicked hard enough to shift us into neutral.  The car's engine began to make a loud grinding noise and we slowed in the middle of a steady stream of traffic, presumably headed back to the suburbs from a Saturday night in the city, like us.  The screaming and flailing continued and made it difficult for me to steer and try to shift us back into drive, while avoiding getting hit or kicked by an out of control drunk.  Luckily, my instinct and adrenaline kicked in and I quickly managed to shift us back into drive and regain speed quickly enough to avoid an accident.

This is just one of the many stories I could tell of my mother's drunken escapades that threatened both of our lives repeatedly.  But that's not the point.  What is...is that my brain and gut know exactly how to react in an "emergency."  They've had much practice, over many years, and it's become my point of reference.  

Yesterday we pulled a tick from my son's ear.  My husband, who often shower's with L to save time and so they can splash around and have fun together, found it while he was washing his ears.  M began screaming like a banshee and jumping around like a scared school girl.  I took my bare hands to the thing and tried to rip it out.  When that didn't work, I grabbed the tweezers and pulled it out in just a couple of seconds, pulling off a bit of L's skin with it.  L. stayed perfectly still and happy during this whole episode.  (I guess he takes after ME!)  I had checked L over for more ticks and placed the little blood sucker in a baggie before my husband had stopped screaming.  Clearly. we have different gifts!

On the other hand, when L refused to nap the Friday before last, I turned into a regular Mommy Dearest and screamed, cried, slammed doors and threw away his waterpaints as punishment.  When my husband came home at 5pm that afternoon, I refused to go out to dinner and was asleep by 8pm.  It completely threw me for a loop.  Thank goodness, the next day, I snapped out of it and we wound up having a great weekend.  

It's pretty obvious to me that I handle the emergencies in life a lot better than the everyday struggles.  How 'bout you?  How does that relate to your childhood and how does it impact your PPD and motherhood experience?

Should I want what I am not sure I can have or handle???

The other day our neighbor's daughter and her children were playing in their front yard. She has four.  Yes, you read that right, F-O-U-R. (It's not quite the BIG family of a few generations ago, or even one that is startling for our generation- my sister's ex-husband was one of nine.  But, it is still large by today's standards.)
Here's the run-down:
Boy-7
Boy-6
Girl-4
Girl-1

They all played happily in their grandparents' front yard while she sat on the front porch chatting with her mom.  Her husband was tossing a ball with their oldest, but aside from that, said children were entertaining themselves and one another.  Since we like the neighbors a lot and the older girl had come to L's 2nd birthday party with her grandparents, we made sure to wave hello and eventually the middle two kids crossed the street and headed over.  They had all sorts of questions about L...
"Is he potty-trained?"
"Where does he go to school?"
"I can ride a bike with no training wheels; can he?"
On and on it went...

So eventually the mom and the littlest one came over and we struck up a conversation.  Though we'd crossed paths a bunch we had never had a chance to chat.  We talked schools and the housing market (which by the way stinks- we have yet to show our house- GRRRR!!!) and house styles and neighborhoods.  All the stuff that neighborhood moms discuss.  She from the perspective of "I have 4 small children and I haven't slept in years, but you wouldn't know it, and nothing shocks me at this point." and me from the perspective of "I am a PPD Survivor with an only child and everything shocks, stresses and basically overwhelms me."(Slight exaggeration, but you get the point.)

So of course "Super Mom" goes in the house with her ducklings following and I am left with my thoughts of inadequacy, guilt, fear, and sadness.  The truth is that I would love to in my later years adopt 3 or 4 adult children (once they've established that they are basically good people who don't have any drug problems or criminal records that would keep me up at night) so that my Thanksgiving table and Christmas lists are perpetually full.  I HATE the thought of just the three of us sitting around the table on a holiday 20 years from now.  I don't want to try to make what I remember as a kid as being a magical, special day because of the rooms filled with people and laughter and hugging just a little more than ordinary.  I know we could not succeed because there is no way to do that with the three same people that sit down every single day to that table.  I WANT a big family.  I WANT to be pulled in 3 or 4 different directions on a Saturday trying to figure out how to get everyone to and from soccer practice, ballet, and martial arts.  I WANT my house to be filled with a dozen teenagers on a Friday night swimming, playing pool and board games, trying to get one over on us, but knowing that we're too close (and we did too many of the things they are considering doing while we were growing up to be that naive).

But, just because I want that doesn't mean I should have it.  And, even if I should have it, how the hell am I going to make it happen???  I can barely imagine surviving one more pregnancy and postpartum period with any sense of sanity intact, let alone  three more.  Adoption (of a child at any age) seems like a logical answer, and I do hope we go down that path at least once, but that brings it's own set of concerns and potential problems (including, but not limited to, Post Adoption Depression and bonding issues).

Part of me wishes I was like my friend who probably would've only had one child, PPD or not.  She and her husband love the sound and feel of "3" and aren't a bit concerned about their Thanksgiving table...as non-traditional as they are, they could be in Thailand for Thanksgiving more years than holding hands in prayer around a turkey.  The other part of me celebrates who I am and knows that somehow (conventionally or not) this will all work out and my family will feel complete.

Teaser: Look for an upcoming post on just that...celebrating who YOU are and not wishing the you that you are away by comparing yourself to other moms.

Mother's Day Rally: Re-post

Hi All- my apologies for re-posting this information, but my lack of HTML prowess became evident when I completely messed up the font and background colors for my entire blog just by copying and pasting the press release into a post.  So, here's the info again, complete with links to the blogs and websites of the writers participating in this event...including me.  I am so grateful for this opportunity and I pray that not only will our regular readers be touched by our letters, but that many new women will be equipped with knowledge and resources as a result.  Hope you have indeed chosen your comfy chair and charged up your computers...I'll see you on Sunday!!!

 2^nd ANNUAL MOTHER’S DAY ONLINE RALLY FOR MOMS’ MENTAL HEALTH TO FEATURE

TOP MOMMY BLOGGERS & AUTHORS

This Mother’s Day, the 2nd annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health will be held online, featuring 24 open letters to new mothers on the importance of maternal mental health.  On May 9^th, Postpartum Progress will post a different “Letter to New Moms” each hour on the hour for 24 hours straight, each letter offering personal stories, humor, experience or tips on the important of mental health during pregnancy and postpartum.  All of the letters will be written by survivors of and experts on postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and postpartum psychosis, as well as others who care about the emotional well-being of moms and moms-to-be.  Postpartum Progress is the most widely-read blog in the United States on postpartum depression. 

Participants in the 2010 Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health include:

• Melinda Roberts, author of the blog The Mommy Blog, named one of the Top 50 Mommy Blogs by Babble.com, a regular panelist at Momversation.com and author of the book “Mommy Confidential: Adventures from the Wonderbelly of Motherhood”
• Ann Douglas, author of “The Mother of All Parenting Books” and “The Mother of All Baby Books: The Ultimate Guide to Your Baby’s First Year” among many others
• Allison McDonald, author of the blog No Time for Flashcards
• Casey Mullins, author of the blog Moosh in Indy
• Marlene Freeman, MD, psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital’s Center for Women’s Mental Health and vice-editor-in-chief of the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry
• “Blair”, author of the blog Heir to Blair

Postpartum Progress, founded in 2004, is the most comprehensive peer resource available for pregnant and new mothers suffering from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. It has been ranked as one of the top 10 mental health blogs on the internet by PsychCentral.com and Blogs.com and has been featured on Mamapedia, BlogHer, PBS’ This Emotional Life and Health.com among others.  Katherine Stone, a survivor of postpartum OCD and founder of Postpartum Progress, was selected by WebMD as one of its 2008 Health Heroes for her advocacy work.

Full Participant List:

1. Melinda Roberts, author of the blog The Mommy Blog, named one of the top 50 mommy blogs by Babble.com, a regular contributor to Momversation.com and author of the book “Mommy Confidential: Adventures from the Wonderbelly of Motherhood”
2. Meagan Francis, author of the blog The Happiest Mom
3. Casey Mullins, author of the blog Moosh in Indy
4. Blair, author of the blog Heir to Blair, an editor’s pick at thebump.com
5. Sarah Vizbeck, author of the blog In the Trenches of Mommyhood
6. Allison McDonald, author of the blog No Time for Flashcards and contributor to FamilyEducation.com
7. Ann Douglas, author of “The Mother of All Parenting Books” and “The Mother of All Baby Books”
8. Victoria Mason, author of the blog The Mummy Chronicles
9. Suzanne, author of the blog Pretty Swell
10. Sera, author of the blog Laughing Through the Chaos
11. Tamra, author of the blog Surprisingly Sane
12. Julie Hersh, author of the book Struck by Living: From Depression to Hope
13. Jessica Zucker, PhD, psychologist and contributor to PBS’ This Emotional Life
14. Marlene Freeman, MD, Massachusetts General Hospital Center for Women’s Mental Health
15. Meeka Centimano, LCSW, social worker and founder of Postpartum Resource Center of Kansas
16. Teresa Twomey, author of Understanding Postpartum Psychosis: A Temporary Madness
17. Alison Palmer, RN, Elliot Hospital Postpartum Emotional Support Program (NH)
18. Adrienne Griffin, founder of Postpartum Support of Virginia
19. Alexis, author of the blog Depressions and Confessions
20. Amber Koter-Puline, author of the blog Beyond Postpartum
21. Ninotchka Beavers, author of the blog Cease Cows, Life is Short!
22. Amy Gagliardi, MD
23. Katherine Stone, author of the blog Postpartum Progress, guest editor on postpartum depression for BlogHer.com

Why does seeing a scanned sonogram photo on FB give me heart palpitations?

So, here we are again, chatting about life after PPD. Wish one blog post would do it, but apparently not. Am I alone in this? Doubt it. You probably remember that it's only been a couple of weeks since I posted about the anxiety that can well up instantly when a friend is pregnant/has a new baby.

Well, I just logged on to Facebook and saw the sonogram of a friend's uterus complete with 11 week old embryo (is that what they're still called at 11 weeks?).  The good news is that my initial reaction (guttural, I suppose) was of joy and a bit of jealousy (can you believe it???)!  The bad news is that as soon as my rational side took over the heart rate doubled and I started feeling overwhelmed by thoughts like...
(be sure to read at a manic speed, as that's how they were entering my head)

"Oh my God, do you think she's excited?"

"If she is, is her excitement because she's totally oblivious to how freakin' hard it is to have a newborn or how stressful it's going to be to have two kids?"

"Oh, and the sleep...does she realize how she's like never gonna sleep again?"

"Why am I having these thoughts?  I am such a bad mom.  I should feel guilty.  Children are a gift from God and we just found out about the tragic death of someone we know...how can I not be more appreciative of life with this wake-up call just today?"

"But the sleep, and the years before she has time for a pedicure...!!!"

I'll stop there...you get the point.

Let's keep the conversation about life after PPD in the real world going, ladies.  How do you feel when you find out a friend (or a stranger for that matter!) is pregnant?  do you have an intense reaction?  If so, do you have any coping strategies?

And what about if, like me, you are kinda thinking about maybe having another kid, perhaps, sometime in the future, and you realize that just looking at an embryo makes you overwhelmed and nauseous...how and when can you get ready to tackle TTC after suffering and then recovering from a PMD?

Rest assured...this community of Survivor Mamas gives us a leg up on the PPD beast!  Thanks for being a part of it.