Where to begin...?

Considering having a baby after PPD is a little like going skydiving again after your parachute didn't open 'til the last second on a previous dive.  At least, that's how I think about it.  I've never actually been skydiving since I have a bit of a fear of heights and don't really like that dropping sensation you get, even on the mediocre roller coasters.  Yet, I can just imagine free-falling, unable to really make out how far below you the ground and potential safety might be, while at the same time trusting and hoping that something you didn't design and have no guarantee works accurately will pop out just in in time to save you from sure peril.  That's how postpartum depression and anxiety felt to me...like a free-fall.

Over the past year or two as I blogged about even considering having another baby after my experience, so many women would write to me.  They'd ask me about where I was in the process and how I even found myself at a place that I wanted to entertain such a thought.  They'd wonder what was an appropriate motivation to have another child (age, wanting their child to have a sibling, wanting to reconcile their previous birth or postpartum experience with a possible positive one the next time...the list goes on).  And, I hesitated to give any answers or direction.  I was full of similar questions myself and contemplation of becoming pregnant again was just that...a thought process that really had little to do with having made the decision to consider the idea, more just that I hadn't been able to not think about it anymore.  When I was sick, it was easy just to flat out say, "I'm done.  I am never putting myself or anyone else through that again."  But later, months and years later, it didn't seem that simple anymore.  When I was feeling like a "good mom", I would think that perhaps I should expand my family to give an adopted or needy child a loving, Christian home.  And, when I was channeling a "not-so-hot mom", I'd be thinking about how L deserved to have a sibling with whom he could complain about his "crazy mama" and commiserate about all the mistakes we were making as parents.

Now, just 11 weeks away from this baby's arrival, I don't have much consideration or contemplation about that left to do.  The decision has long since been made and the planning is practically complete.  And while I'd like to say that once you've made a decision things get simpler, it doesn't exactly work that way.  Sure, I no longer have to struggle about the timing of discontinuing birth control or if I've explored all the pros and cons of having another child enough to come to a logical conclusion.  Yet, the future is unknown and this process is still a leap of faith.

In a future post, I will be sharing what I've done this time around to position myself best for a positive postpartum experience, both physically and emotionally.  But, the reality is that I won't know how well-prepared and armed I am until after the fact.  Just like making the decision to have another baby, being pregnant after PPD is filled with questions, concerns, and ups and downs.  I wish I had better, more definitive advice, but the best thing I know to say is to trust your gut.  Once you're well, and when you take out the unnecessary external pressures that might possibly muddy your perception impact your decision, talk with your partner and take your time.  And, then...you'll just know.  And when you know, move on, realizing that whatever decision you make is the right one for you.

When it's okay to take a break from fighting it

Each week I hear from moms who are tired.  Moms who are fed up.  Moms who are disillusioned and unsure.  Women who desperately want to have hope, but feel so badly that just getting through the day, let alone being positive, seems equivalent to climbing Mt. Everest.

This Valentine's Day, my "gift" to you is a break.  For one day, whether it be today, tomorrow, or a day next month, put down the plastic smile, the self-help book, the laptop reader filled with inspiration.  And...just be.  Be you.  No matter how you are feeling or how much energy you do or don't have.  Give up channeling "Rocky" for a day.  You don't have to fight all the time.  Sure, kicking PPD's butt takes effort and energy, but don't let it take all of yours and drain you completely.  Let your battery recharge for a day.  Put it in neutral.

I know you don't need my permission to do all of this.  But, I want you to know that it's okay to do it.  That it doesn't mean you've given up or that you've thrown in the towel on your efforts to get well.  It just means that sometimes fighting it isn't the best way to cope.  Many times it is, don't get me wrong.  But, sometimes, honestly we need to take some time off from it.  To take our minds to another place.  One where things are a bit easier, where we simply deal with things as they come across our plates one bite at a time, instead of taking on the world.  Postpartum depression, like the dust bunnies my grandmother always reminded me of, will be there tomorrow.  And then...you can get back to kicking it to the curb.

Today...just breathe and be.

It's Never Too Late

...not even if you initially saw a therapist a few times and then didn't go back.
...not even if you previously stopped taking medication because you didn't like the side effects or thought that you had recovered.
...not even if your child is more of a toddler or preschooler than a baby.
...not even if you prefer not to take medication.  (There are lots of treatment options, and some cases can be treated with therapy or other methods...not everyone needs medication, though some do.)
...not even if you feel your family or friends don't support you seeking treatment.
...not even if you are feeling (unnecessarily) ashamed or private and therefore have held off because you've been uncomfortable telling people how you are feeling.
...not even if you you tried alternative treatment options first, but haven't found relief from the depression or anxiety.
...not even if you had recovered from PPD and now you are experiencing a more chronic depression or anxiety.
...not even if you swore you could do this "on your own".
...not even if everyone is telling you that you seem to be doing just fine now, but you're not so sure.
...not even if you feel so badly that you are convinced you'll never get better...that this is your new reality.  (It's not; I promise...it just feels that way right now.)

Bottom line?  It is NEVER too late to seek treatment for postpartum depression or anxiety.  While this is not forever, seeking help for PPD is the best way to feel better sooner than later.  Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are 100% treatable.  Reach out today.  You'll be glad you did.

Who is surviving PPD?

• The mom who had been suffering from anxiety and unnecessary guilt for months before she finally began therapy.
• The mom who had a traumatic birth and knew from the moment she saw her child that something wasn't quite right.
• The mother who struggled with infertility for years and then tried IVF three times before she conceived and now feels completely shocked and sad that she isn't elated to be pregnant.
• The adoptive mother who is sleep deprived and feeling disconnected from her newborn and just can't understand why she feels this way...it's not like she "gave birth".
• The father whose wife is "over the moon" for their baby, and who feels like no one understands and therefore bottles up his feelings, instead of telling someone how down he really is.
• The single mom whose life looks nothing like she expected when she dreamed of having children.
• The mother of a special needs child who is reminded each time she looks at him that parenting will be a lot more than an 18 year commitment.
• The mother who has a supportive husband and family, a baby who is pleasant and sleeps through the night, and who had a great birth experience...because sometimes there's no rhyme or reason for PPD to strike.
• YOU, with your own unique history and story...because you can survive and recover.  You are not alone.

If you are suffering, but haven't yet reached out for help, there are lots of options for you.  Talk to a Survivor Mama or find a support group.  Reach out for professional help.  Participate in an online support chat; there are two on Twitter on Mondays and one Wednesdays at Cafemom.

Know that this isn't your fault and the guilt and despair you are feeling are due to the illness...not to something you did or didn't do.  You can survive PPD and recover fully.