And the countdown begins...

Six weeks.  6 wks.  Sei settimane.  Seis semanas.  Six semaines.  In any language, I believe the current translation is, "Holy crap!"

First of all, if I get any bigger I will have to call in for one of those motorized scooters that they advertise in the middle of the night.  I mean, heck, I am up at that hour anyway, if not for peeing, then for quenching my seemingly endless thirst.  Do you think I can get those discounts they claim "you" might be eligible for?  I promise to donate the chair to someone more needy in say...a year or so...when I will have the energy to walk again.

I know, I know.  I need to remember how much I couldn't wait to have the baby the first time, but how after a couple of days, I found my most fervent request was, "Okay, kid, you're cute and all, but umm, could you go back in my belly for a day or two so I can sleep for more than a two hour stretch?"  Thing is, the last month or so of pregnancy seems exhausting by any definition.  The constant peeing, rolling over so your limbs can access a minimal bloodflow, holding the belly just to walk from one room to the next, struggle to put on socks...the list goes on and on.  But, three years is recent enough for me to remember that literally falling asleep the moment I sit down on the couch at 7pm, whether holding a baby or not, is the reality of the newborn phase.  And, like it or not, the exhaustion I feel now is nothing compared to what's coming.

The point of this post is kind of that it doesn't have a point other than to say I am at that odd place on the spectrum between "I am so uncomfortable that I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore." and "Holy moly, I am scared to death of having a newborn to care for 24-7."

In the midst of this post my three year old came over and invited me to dance to Twinkle, Twinkle with him.  I mean, how can you pass up an invitation to dance with the cutest little boy in the world?  No matter how much my back hurts and how tired I am...I just can't.  But, I do wonder...will it be harder to say yes with a crying infant and an even more sleep-deprived mama?  I hope not.  The thing I love about the doctor I have been working with this pregnancy is that he always brings my awareness back to prioritizing my family's health, not just my own, as we make decisions about the postpartum period.  I love that Dr. N. reminds me each and every appointment that I must consider what's best for L. in every. single. decision.  So, as I consider taking medication, I consider how taking or not taking a drug will impact him.  And, when I consider breastfeeding, I need to consider not only what is best for #2, but also for him.  And, as I consider how much help to plan for in the weeks and months after having the baby, I need to consider not just how much help I need with the baby, but how much help I need with him to insure that he has lots of attention and gets out of the house plenty.  And, of course that I have some help with the baby so that big brother gets one on one time with Mama, too.

For those of us who are PPD Survivor Mamas, there are lots of things to consider when preparing for our next birth and baby.  But, honestly, I am praying that being prepared and aware in the first place gives us a huge leg up on any preparation we did the previous time.  And, this time, I've got the best thing in the world going for me...all of you!

Why do some moms care SO much how other people raise their kids?

It is fascinating (and not in a good way) how mothers these days feel the need to not only concern themselves with, but also pass judgment on, the way other people parent their kids.  The hot topics these days, as I observe them,  seem to be whether moms work outside the home and breastfeeding.  And, of course, the "drama-cherry" on top is the whole epidural/"natural" and vaginal/c-section childbirth debate.

When I first became a mom, I invested in a plethora of parenting books on topics ranging from sleep to discipline, and even my own parents didn't try very hard to hide both their frustration and amusement at the fact that I felt the need to educate myself about the process, let alone label what type of mom I was going to be.  In their day, people just had their kids and did the best they could, which was to balance keeping their kids alive and keeping their lives from being too impacted by having had kids in the first place.  "Go play." would about sum up any parenting theories they subscribed to, if such a thing even crossed their minds.

Nowadays, people invest insane amounts of time taking up causes that are in line with their parenting philosophies and trying to educate the world on why they are right in their opinions.  Breastfeeding advocates who take a more extremist approach even use scare tactics to guilt mothers into thinking that feeding your infant anything but breastmilk for the first years months of their lives is the equivalent of offering them dropper-fulls of cyanide.  They dedicate their time to "teaching" the world about the dangers of formula, while using the benefits of breastmilk as an after-thought.  What they don't realize, in my opinion, is that the people actually listening are mamas like me and you...smart, well-read mothers who are essentially the "choir" that these folks are preaching to.

In fact, now pregnant, my husband and I registered for and attended a breastfeeding class in preparation for our second baby.  With my first I had an awful experience breastfeeding that certainly contributed to my PPD.  With this next baby, I wanted to be well-educated so that should I run into issues nursing again I wouldn't feel as if it was my lack of preparation that led to the complications.  The class was advertised as a three-hour couples experience that would teach us all about latch, positioning, and helpful tips to make breastfeeding as easy and enjoyable as possible.  I was excited to learn all the things that I hadn't known going into motherhood initially. Almost immediately upon arrival, my husband and I became acutely aware of what this "class" actually was about.  The first exercise focused on matching a list of "facts" about breastfeeding with worldly roles/jobs.  For example, if the fact was that "breastfed babies' bowel movements are much less foul-smelling than formula-fed babies" we were to match that with "garbage collector".  Not only did we feel like we were in a 4th grade Social Studies class, but we also realized that this "class" was really about promoting breastfeeding propaganda.  It was a hilarious discovery considering that all 10 of the couples in the class had paid $35 and sacrificed their Saturday to attend!  Um, not to be a smart-aleck, but is this not the epitome of "preaching to the choir"???  Hello?!!?  We all PAID to attend the class...OBVIOUSLY we are aware of and sold on the benefits of breastfeeding.

This example of my recent personal experience is just a symptom of what I feel is a completely backwards approach to promoting breastfeeding in our country.  What lactivists (claim to) aim to do is to increase the breastfeeding rates among the general population for the purpose of improving the health and wellness of American children.  What I believe they actually accomplish, and are quite successful at, is completely missing the population of people who actually need this "education".  And those of us who already know a lot about breastfeeding and are consistently surrounded by nursing moms are instead simply reminded of our supposed inadequacy as mothers, which results in unnecessary guilt and shame...but no more successful of a breastfeeding outcome than had we not been inundated with messages of the "poisonous" nature of formula.  Here's a thought...how about dedicating the time, energy and financial resources to lactation support before and after babies are born so that instead of memorized "facts" about breastfeeding benefits we actually learn best practices for latching and feeding our babies at the breast?

What in the world makes people put all their eggs in the "what kind of milk you feed your kid the first few weeks/months/years of his/her life is the MOST important thing in the whole world" basket????  Seriously...there are thousands of dead people in Japan, people losing their minds, families and homes all over the world, incredibly important issues going on in our country and some people care that much whether someone else's kids' milk comes from a boob or a bottle?  Give me a break.

The other hot topic, which can bring any mom to tears, is the "where you work" debate.  Some stay at home moms seem to have a particular affinity for and loud voice around the benefits of and superiority of not working outside the home at times.  On several blogs lately, comments nearing the hundreds have be shared which range from a subtle and passive-aggressive disapproval for a mom's working outside the home to outright declaring that she doesn't know her child as well as or have as good of a bond with her child as she would if she would just stay at home.  Nevermind that some moms don't have a choice about generating income for their family, or that for some moms, like me, working actually makes us better equipped to parent when we are with our children because of our innate personalities or gifts.  

I realize that I am among a blessed minority who have the choice, both financially and by matter of a great employer, to determine my work schedule.  Having had a taste of all four scenarios (stay at home, work outside the home full-time, work outside the home part-time, and work from home), I have definitely determined that part-time paid work (and a combination of from home and outside of the home) suits me best.  I enjoy my weeks most, feel most productive and find myself enjoying family time most when my life is well-balanced with adult conversation, stimulating intellectual work, time for prayer and devotions, play-time with my son, and plenty of time to accomplish maintaining the home.  My current schedule allows for that...which paves the way to both my contentment and sanity.

On the other hand, there are lots of moms who are career-driven and who would be devastated not to continue with the pace of their career, even after having kids.  They might enlist the help of a family member or great childcare provider to care for their kids and then spend their own free-time fully engaged with their children.  And, there are moms who stay at home who don't have the ability to find gainful employment because of childcare costs or lack of education, but who would love to work outside the home if given the opportunity.  And, of course, there are also moms who have to work to meet their family's needs financially who mourn the time away from their kids, but don't have a choice about it.  These scenarios just touch upon the individual nature of each family situation.

If you are a mom who passes judgment upon other moms regularly or who criticizes parenting choices based upon your personal philosophies and opinions, I urge you to re-think things.  We're all doing the best we can here and the point is, no matter what kind of milk you feed your child, what kind of "work" you do or where you do it, if you love your kids and make sure that they are well-cared for then you are a good mom...and you shouldn't let anyone tell you differently!

What I learned from PPD...

As much as we'd like to say the PPD has no usefulness, no purpose, and surely no benefits, because of how dreadfully awful it is to endure, I do believe that somewhere in each PPD experience there is something that will inspire, strengthen or teach us in a way that no other challenge might.

From a faith perspective, I get so irritated when people make trite comments after a tragedy or loss, such as "Well, God must have a reason for this happening."  or "Everything has a purpose."  B.S.!  My God is not up there with a magic wand waving it willy-nilly, and especially not intentionally, at us wee-humans on earth inflicting pain, suffering and grief upon us.  However, He is walking beside us, holding us up through the pain, and making whatever good can be made out of circumstances that neither He, nor we, created.

As I think back upon and discuss my postpartum depression and anxiety with others, I realize that so much good has been created from what I went through.  I actually learned a lot about myself, others and the world from having had postpartum depression and anxiety.  It doesn't really matter if I would "do it all again", since frankly a do-over of my first birth and postpartum period aren't an option.  What does matter is if I focus on the positive now that I am years out from the experience, so that this illness doesn't rob me of anymore than it already has.

I have learned....

• that I am sooooo much stronger than I knew.
• that sometimes emotional pain is actually harder to endure and more painful than physical pain.
• that the people who are your rock through your journey are often not the ones you ever expected to understand or to be there for you when you most need it, but they are just the right people for the "job".
• to be less judgmental and more humble.
• that love for your child is so powerful, even when you can't feel it, that it can help you overcome just about anything.
• that hope isn't something we have to hold on our own.  It still works if someone else carries it for you until you can accept it yourself.
• that sometimes by getting lost in complete darkness first, you find your perfectly lit path in life.

What have you learned from PPD?

Uncomfortably Numb

I can't tell you how many women I know who lament the way they feel in the early days of treatment.  Sure, they see a tiny little flicker of light at the end of the tunnel now that there is a diagnosis and that they've begun their journey towards wellness.  But, quickly, very quickly, that horrific pain and discomfort can be replaced with something equally (or perhaps more) unfamiliar.  "Nothing", they tell me.  "I feel nothing.  No good, no bad.  Just...well, nothing."

That's how I was, too.  I remember my niece and nephew (who I adore) putting on this hysterical show to try to cheer me up when I was near the bottom of the pit in my darkest PPD hours.  I sat there like a zombie...not even laughing at my 4 year old nephew in a full ballerina costume acting like a goofball, exclusively for my benefit.  In that moment I felt like I (the real me) was gone forever.  And then, incredibly...just 2-3 months later I was back to hosting parties, getting dressed up and enjoying a glass of wine with a girlfirend.  Sure, I still had some anxiety and work to do...but man, the difference that couple of months made!

So, friends, let me reassure you.  Whether that numbness you might be experiencing is due to psychiatric medication and its side effects or simply to being at a crossroads in your PPD recovery...you will indeed get better.  You will feel again.  You will find yourself and your true emotions.  And then.  Then?  Then, you will thank God for replacing the sheer hell you had been enduring with temporary relief in the form of nothing.  And later, you will shout with gladness when that relief is substituted for joy.

Just a quick hello

Things are rough around here.  Due to a lot of circumstantial stuff happening in our lives, the stress and pressure has been cooking for a while.  Last week we had a death in the family that was sort of the last straw.

I have been so blessed to have had only had a few bad weeks during this pregnancy so far, and I have just 9 weeks to go.  Compared with the sheer Hell that was PPD, I am thrilled about this.  But, since I promised I would always be honest in my writing, I need to confess that I am having a tough time right now.  I can't get into all of the details on this very public blog, but please know that I just need some time to figure things out and I might not be around much in cyberspace for the next couple of weeks.

I know I will get through this...it is a pothole, not a cliff.  It doesn't make it any easier to navigate, but I have hope and that's all that matters.

Your prayers are appreciated,

Peer Support Confirmed Effective by Medical Researchers

A recent study out of Ann Arbor, Michigan confirms what we knew all along...peer support is very effective as a component of care in people who experience depression.  This article in Medical News Today describes the study which was the first of its kind to specifically isolate peer support as a factor in depression treatment and recovery.  Peer support as an added treatment option was found to be more effective than traditional care alone and , in fact, this type of support was found in the randomized trials completed to be just as effective in some cases as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy completed by therapists!

Knowing that medication and therapy were key in my complete recovery from PPD in 2007, I would never purport that peer support alone is a first line of fire for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.  I do believe that in most cases it can be an awesome addition to a treatment plan that might already include strategies such as therapy, medication, exercise, and a host of other components.  And, I will acknowledge that it has been my experience in interaction with women over three years that a few, mostly those who were experiencing very mild depression and adjustment difficulties after having first children, have indicated that peer support alone helped them to recover.

Peer support, while something that I did not get experience the benefits of during my postpartum depression and anxiety after having my son, has become integral to my health during this pregnancy.  Thanks to a "Pregnant After PPD" group that I formed a couple of months ago, I have felt so much hope and reassurance as I approach the end of pregnancy with #2 and grow closer to the postpartum period.  Knowing that these women, though they live in various places across the globe, are available to me and are walking this journey with me, is an incredible gift.  As stated in the article, peer support does indeed decrease feelings of isolation for me and is a great way to share health information and resources.

If you haven't yet explored peer support groups in your area, I encourage you to do so.  There are two great lists of groups that you can search...a list at Postpartum Progress and another at Postpartum Support International's website.