Having a baby after PPD (with Katherine Stone and me): the feature story at Sharewik this week!

This week at Sharewik.com the topic of having another baby after a PPD experience is the feature.  I am so grateful to Diana and Matt at Sharewik for not only doing the first piece on PPD in 2010, but inviting Katherine and me back to talk about the important and relevant topic of considering and preparing for having more children after surviving a perinatal mood disorder.

In the following video, Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress and her husband, Frank, describe their experience of PPOCD with their first child and then their completely different experience, even with a surprise pregnancy, when they had a second child.



Also featured is Suzanne of The Fearless Formula Feeder, writing about her recent experience having a second child after having had PPD just two years prior with her first child.

Included in the story is this short video interview I did with the Sharewik team during my second trimester about the way I am preparing for this postpartum experience having the benefit of both time and hindsight.  I hope you will find it helpful as you process your own experience and perhaps even plan for expanding your family, as well.



Best,

You have to go THROUGH it

Good Friday is for Christians one of the most important and penitent days of the year.  Yet, it is also the most horrifically sad and painful day to Worship, as well.  During this Holy Week, we move from the waving of the palm branches on Palm Sunday through the "Stations of the Cross" and Good Friday and then wait in anticipation, not only for chocolate on Easter morning, but also for the Resurrection and the opportunity to shout "Alleluia, He is Risen, indeed!"

On Palm Sunday our pastor preached a short but poignant sermon of which the point can by my estimation be appreciated by people of all religious faiths and backgrounds.  The bottom line for him, in thinking about this week and the closing of Lent and awaiting Easter morning, is that Good Friday, as uncomfortable as it might be, is something that we MUST go through in order to experience Easter.  There simply is no Resurrection without Good Friday.  Without Christ's death we would not have the Easter promise.  Period.

Even if you don't worship the same way I do, I'd like  you to think about that.  To try to grasp the image and concept.  There is no eternal life, joy, promise and hope without going through Good Friday.  We simply cannot go around it, ignore it, sleep through it or wait it out.  We must walk through and experience that somber, painful day in order to fully appreciate and celebrate Easter.

So, as you walk this PPD journey, I encourage you to accept and embrace that your day of hope and promise is on the other side of the pain.  That, while you cannot go around it, you can and will get through it.  And, on the other side of it?  There is light.  There is promise.  And, boy, oh boy, will there be celebration!

On Being Depressed vs. Suffering from Depression

People love to throw around the word "depressed".  It seems that everything from a favorite team's loss in a ball game to a death in the family can lead someone to declare being "depressed" these days.  But, I wonder...are they really depressed?  I mean, is being depressed the same thing as suffering from depression, and if it is not, then is it accurate to say you are depressed?  And, how does it impact someone who is living with depression to hear it used so nonchalantly?

Sure, it must be crazy stressful to suffer from multiple losses of loved ones in a short period of time.  Or to lose your job.  To have piles of bills stacking up and not be able to pay them.  To get a divorce.  To become an empty-nester after 18+ years of being a full-time parent.  To deal with the things that inevitably happen across the course of a lifetime.  And that stress?  Absolutely can impact your mood and create feelings of sadness and anxiety.  And those who have a particular genetic or other predisposition to mental health issues may very well find that one of those occurrences actually is the last straw that transforms stress and sadness into true clinical depression.  But, for most folks who toss around "being depressed" the way they talk about being hungry, tired or excited, I have to say please don't confuse a feeling with a health issue.

Yesterday during the Postpartum Support Chat at Cafemom I was reminded of one of the many reasons moms who suffer from postpartum depression and anxiety are so damned confused and frustrated by it.  It doesn't make sense.  Period.  When they think of being depressed in terms of being sad for a particular reason, then they are accurate in being perplexed by PPD and why they are dealing with it.  The reality is that most of us who suffer from PPD have healthy babies, enough to eat, some sort of support (whether from a partner, family or friends), and a roof over our heads.  Sure, one of the risk factors is a baby who has health issues such as being premature, but most of the women who I interact with didn't have NICU experiences, babies with disabilities or serious physical complications.  They had perfectly healthy, full-term newborns.  And that?  That fact alone is a tremendous source of confusion and guilt for mamas.  Imagine staring at a beautiful, healthy infant and thinking, "Here is this perfect human being I have been blessed with and yet I feel sad, anxious, scared, angry...", the list goes on and on.

The other thing I hear moms say all the time is, "What did I do to deserve this?  I mean, I am a good person."  In short?  You didn't do anything to deserve it.  Yeah, it stinks, but most of us are good people, too.  I'm not saying PPD only targets the cream of the crop, but I don't think it is over-stating it to say that the majority of women who suffer from PPD pay their taxes and help little old ladies across the street, at a minimum.  And?  Most of them do way more than that...They are the dedicated volunteers at their churches.  The neighbors who take a meal to everyone who has a baby and gets a head-cold.  The women who go the extra mile for mankind.  There's just nothing we can do to deserve or completely prevent PPD.

So, what's up with PPD, then?  Unfortunately, what's up is that PPD, unlike being down, sad or "depressed", is that it is a disorder...an illness.  It's not based solely upon circumstances.  It's a complicated and unique beast.  Much more than a temporary feeling or emotion in response to a situation.  So rest assured, mamas, you don't have to have a "reason" to be feeling the way you are.  I pray that knowing that, and helping others to understand it, gives you a little relief and hope.

Allowing the miracle

When people talk about newborn babies the words awe, wonder and miracle always seem to be a part of the conversation.  When men, women who've never been pregnant, and even women who've had children in the past first hear you are pregnant, it's not uncommon for their reaction to be, "Oh, what a miracle.  It's just so incredible having that life growing inside of you, isn't it?"

With both of my pregnancies these types of reactions were common responses to the news.  And, while we tend to wait a bit to share our news, the sharing happens early enough in the process that I am generally not showing, and the only signs of this "miracle" are the constant nausea and fatigue...not exactly awe-inspiring symptoms.  And then, of course, we have the emotional component.  With both of my pregnancies came varying degrees of surprise and concern, though for very different reasons the second time than the first.  Still, that tenuous, vulnerable state of the first trimester made it hard for me to accept and celebrate what an awesome thing this ability to create and grow another human being actually was.  Many people commented with joyous shouts and exclamations when I shared my news...and I tried to make them feel good about that by obliging with an appropriate smile and hug.

This pregnancy certainly has been a time of both learning and anticipation for me.  The uncertainty of the way that things will unfold postpartum is matched by the fact that this time I know exactly how unpredictable a newborn can be.  But, in the midst of that I know that the work I have done over the past three years to both heal from the postpartum depression and anxiety that I didn't cause, yet was at risk for because of my personality traits and personal and genetic history, has prepared me.  Maybe not in the way that you can prepare for a big exam, but in the ways that matter for my situation.

This weekend I attended a small women's retreat with 19 other members of my church.  It was at a simple Catholic retreat center in the middle of nowhere.  The accommodations were "bare bones", which was perfect for the weekend.  See, this retreat began to be advertised just weeks after I learned I was pregnant last fall.  Knowing how much I would need to pray my way into childbirth, the postpartum period and becoming a mother of two, I immediately registered.  What better a time to go away for rest, respite and renewal than just over a month before I had this baby?  And, what better a way to spend that time than in prayer?  The atmosphere, both the physical location and set-up of the retreat center, as well as the intentionally scheduled agenda and components of the weekend were just what I needed.  I know I am not alone in feeling that way...many other women on the retreat expressed the same thing, but what a blessing that I felt as if God had orchestrated this opportunity just for me!

During our times of Centering Prayer, I was able to quiet my mind and listen for God.  So often when we pray we are listing our wants and needs to God.  We rarely remember that prayer is a conversation and that God has something important to say to us, too.  And, it wasn't only during scheduled prayer time that God's message clearly made its way to me.  In fact, it was in quite the opposite situation!  Facilitated by two women who I adore and with whom I have a friendship, in addition to professional and spiritual relationship, the retreat was as fun as it was contemplative.  One of the friends is so great at little touches that add to the festivity and/or meaning of events, and she didn't fail to impress this time, either.  On Friday evening she unveiled her gifts to the attendees...a collection of inspirational t-shirts, mugs and journals.  We each had the opportunity to choose the one that spoke to us.  As you can imagine, twenty women of ages ranging from late 20's to late 70's have varying tastes and t-shirt sizes.  But, somehow there was at least one item that was just perfect for each woman!  Walking quietly over to the piano where the items were displayed I looked down and truly saw just one item in the bunch of 20+.  A t-shirt (in my size, of course) that said nothing more than "Allow the miracle..." and it was then that I knew that God had done all the preparation and anticipation for this baby necessary and that if I just could move aside and allow him to work, that he would.