I wish...

For so many years I wished I was something that I'm not.  I would say things to friends like, "Oh, I so admire you for homeschooling your children.  I really wanted to want to be a stay at home mom, but it didn't work out that way."  I'd daydream about loving to and being able to nurse my babies (all 9 of them) for years and having the patience of a saint.  I'd marvel at my best friend who has four children and never seemed more than a little shaken up (at least outwardly) when she had to manage them while her husband traveled internationally on a very regular basis.  I wanted to be that mom in the TV commercial who was perfectly groomed and smiling while cooking dinner (no wine glass in hand needed for her peaceful gaze at her children playing nicely on the kitchen floor).

The reality is that I'm a better mom because I send L1 to school.  All day.  No, not daycare all-day, but a regular school day where I drop him off in the morning and pick him up mid-afternoon.  Where he is in an environment that I believe will nurture him in the ways he needs it most- socially and emotionally.  Academically he doesn't seem to have many challenges thus far, but his extremely social and extroverted personality paired with a particularly impulsive, high-energy temperament and hereditary fast metabolism makes traditional school environments a bit stifling.  The school we've chosen seems to be molding him and focusing him on life skills and practical knowledge, which I believe is exactly what he needs at four years old.

Over Thanksgiving our family was home from Wednesday to Sunday.  Other than church, we left the home very little and spent a lot of "quality time" together.  Except, sometimes, well-intentioned quality time becomes less quality than intended because the quantity is frankly a little too much!  By Sunday evening, my husband was hiding behind his iPad and I was complaining at all three of my boys about how ready I was to get back to our routine.

Partly because I like a schedule and predictable day and week and partly because I don't do well with too much idle time (for myself or my kids), I was fed up by the time Sunday came.  Instead of fretting about it today, and beating myself up for being short-tempered with my kids and downright unkind to my husband (criticism warranted or not), I did some reflection.

After spending today reflecting on my son's poor behavior in Sunday School yesterday and then difficult drop-off at school this morning, I've come to realize that he's a bit like me.  He needs that structure and daily routine as much as I do.  Children thrive with boundaries and patterns because they like to know what to expect.  Both what is coming next and what adults require of them.

In lieu of wishing I could be something I'm just not in the future, I plan to give myself some room to make mistakes and to pat myself on the back for being the kind of mom who wants their children to thrive, regardless of whether that is at home with me, at school, or later in life as an adult.  I hope this will provide a good example to my sons, as well.  I want them to be able to make mistakes and know how to apologize and then work to do better next time.

I'm tired of wanting to want to be a way that is different than the way God made me.  I don't think it is very appreciative or respectful of me to beat myself up about it, either.  I'm honored to have been given the opportunity to raise my boys and to be loved by them and love them incredibly deeply.  In response, I want to be thankful and celebrate the gifts that I do have...self-awareness, a strong work effort, creativity, a respect for tradition, a desire to help others feel special, a deep faith, and a willingness to serve others as a volunteer...these are the things for which I hope I will be remembered.

How about you?  What gifts do you possess and where can you thrive with and celebrate them?

Thankful

This week, I am particularly thankful for the following:

• An awesome church.
• Fantastic, supportive friends who respect my lifestyle and boundaries.
• An amazing husband with whom I can share my faith.
• Two healthy children.
• The opportunity to work in my church.  The ability to mesh faith, family and work is an incredible gift.
• Siblings.  It is such a special bond and no matter what your age difference or personalities, sharing a childhood together creates inexplicable understanding.  Plus, the burden of ailing or ill parents, family issues, and other things that creep up on us in middle age is so much less when shared with a brother or sister.
• God giving me the faith and trust to have another child after surviving horrible PPD/PPA.  Without it, L1 wouldn't have a sibling and would have to face those many things alone as he ages.  I am so grateful that now he and L2 can share the journey.
• History.  It shapes who we are, connects us to others and can be an incredible gift as long as we choose to live in the present and look forward to a hopeful future.
• The incredible women that I have worked with over these last four years.  Becoming an advocate for women and families focusing on perinatal mood and anxiety disorders has allowed me cross paths with hundreds, if not thousands, of amazing people.  Locally and all over the globe, I am now connected to other Survivors and Advocates who have forever impacted me and so many others.
• Social Media, for without it, I wouldn't have connected with most of those special people!
• The 80 or so women that have attended the Atlanta Support Group over the past three years.  Each one had a unique story and brought something special to the meeting.  I've learned so much from all of you and am humbled by your strength, courage and resilience!
• Faith, for when we have nothing else, when all seems to have disappeared or been taken from us, it is the one thing that in the midst of all darkness remains.  

Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours!

What are YOU thankful for?

Baby products lead to unrealistic expectations in new Moms

This morning I was shopping at a local department store.  I was browsing the baby area, looking for clearance items and planning to purchase some baby-food.  One aisle I perused was filled with baby monitors, swaddle blankets and other items meant to make those newborn days a little easier.  And they do, don't they?  Monitors  allow us to peek in our on baby or hear if he or she is crying without having to open the door every two seconds.  And swaddle blankets...ah, the gauze swaddle blanket is one of those items that will always make my "must-have" list.  

My problem is not with these items in and of themselves.  In fact, though very little other than you and a few essentials are actually necessary to be prepared for a newborn, I believe that there are modern conveniences and tools that make life easier on the contemporary parent.

Where I do take issue with the manufacturers of these products is not in the sale or creation of the items themselves.  Rather, I believe that the marketing they utilize to sell their products creates unnecessary stress for new parents.  

Take the above image.  I took this photo just this morning.  In it, you see a newly baked baby sleeping peacefully while the fresh-faced parents lovingly snuggle up to one another and the co-sleeper, gazing dreamily at their creation.  Note that the handsome father has a 5 o'clock shadow, which makes him no less attractive, but alludes to the fact that he might not have had time (yet) to shave.  This is the only evidence of the parents having been up no doubt most of the night, feeding, changing and soothing their child.  It doesn't reveal even a hint of what those early weeks after you bring your baby home really look like.  Most moms I know didn't go to bed or wake up after having just recently had a baby with perfectly manicured nails and a beautifully made up complexion, complete with lipstick and mascara.  And the flat-ironed hair?  Raise your hand if you had long hair that wasn't either in a rat's nest or ponytail the first six weeks after giving birth or adopting.  Yeah, I didn't think so.

Of course I don't believe that advertisers or baby product commercials are to blame for PPD in the least.  However, I do contend that often the photo above is just one of hundreds an expectant and new mom comes across in those 9-12 months that matter most for her mental health.  Moms with PPD already feel so inadequate, guilty, alone, and different than their peers.  Must we exacerbate this cycle by allowing companies to drive the bus when it comes to how we visualize new moms in our society?  

Like sex and wealth, happiness sells.  I get that.  But, happiness isn't always a perfect picture of perfect parents with a perfect baby.  Happiness looks different for everyone. 

This time around, happiness for me looked like a t-shirt and sweatpants, cuddled up skin to skin with my newborn with Sting playing in the background and my greasy hair pulled up in a messy up-do.  I am quite certain that clean hair might have felt a bit neater, but that it would have done nothing to improve my blissful bond with my new baby or the fact that I was mentally healthy enough and capable of interacting with my preschooler.  

My happiness looked like this.  

I'm sure it wouldn't sell many onesies if we packaged them in this image, but maybe, just maybe if we are all willing to put photos of real women like us out there, then other moms won't feel so alone in their un-showered, pj-wearing, and un-manicured nail selves.

Postpartum Depression and Uncertainty

JIMINY CRICKET 

Yep, temptations. They're the wrong things that seem right at the time, but, uh... even though the right things may seem wrong sometimes, or sometimes the wrong things, [chuckles] may be right at the wrong time, or visa versa. [clears throat] Understand?

It's about as easy for you and I to understand how PPD skews our ability to make confident decisions as it was for good ole Pinnoch to understand Jiminy's explanation of temptations.  When you have PPD, every little choice may seem daunting or you may feel tempted to throw your hands into the air and give up.

Please don't give up.  Things will get easier and clearer with time and healing.  If you are feeling unsure, reach out to someone you trust and respect.  Perhaps their input will help you to be more confident.  Ask yourself if the things you are questioning are going to matter in a day, a week or a year.  If not, it probably doesn't matter too much which choice you make, even if you don't make the "right" one.

There are so many reasons why the time of suffering with a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder is an uncertain one.  The exhaustion, the anxiety, the stress, the overwhelming responsibility of caring for yourself and your child/ren...  Give yourself a break.  Try to step outside of yourself and think about what you'd say to your best friend, because really we should all be our own best friend.  Then, give yourself a kind, gentle hug and remind yourself it will be okay.

Today

Today I will...

Take a bath.

Ignore the phone.

Breathe deeply.

Make a to-do list to organize my thoughts.

Wait to do anything on the list until tomorrow.

Ask for help.

Pray.

Love my children.

Tell my husband I missed him.

Stay focused on breaking the cycle of intensity.

Be thankful.

Sip a cup of tea.

Ease up on our family rules...and have a little fun.

Forgive others.

Forgive myself.

Just be.

Postpartum Depression and the Constant Questioning

Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders are evil thieves of peace and joy.  They are also confidence-stealers.

When I was ill, I remember pondering every choice I made...

Burp him now or later?

Let him sleep or wake him up?

Feed him veggies or fruit?

Keep him on the axid reflux medication or try to wean him?

Allow him to watch TV or not?  What if he's in the same room, but not really watching?  What then?

My list could have gone on and on forever.

You see, even the most minute everyday things that I now "just do" without thinking much about it with L2, were like strategic decisions to made by a General at war back then.  And, really, I guess battling PPD is kind of like being at war.  Fighting to keep out and overcome the illness in your mind.

However, the intuition that you build upon, the mothering instinct that is like a little seed within you being starved and dying of thirst by these disorders, is there.  Each time you question yourself, you over-analyze the daily routine and the things that in a year, or even a week, won't really matter, you starve that seed a little more.

Friends, water your seed by trying to recognize the questioning that is unnecessary.  Use thought-stopping techniques to put those fears and over-analysis at bay and gradually build your confidence by taking small chances just to let things unfold.  Once you see that most of the time it works out okay, your confidence will blossom.  And that seed, each time you do that exercise will bask in the light of your growth and be nourished by your effort.

Breaking the Cycle

PPD is not a choice.  But...breaking the cycle of behaviors that may have increased your risk for, exacerbated your symptoms of, or prevented your speedy recovery from PPD is.

The interesting thing about family dynamics, especially as they relate to mental and addiction issues, is that they are a double whammy for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.  In addition to the genetic predisposition that presents itself as a risk for depression, anxiety and other disorders during pregnancy and postpartum, the issues themselves create stressors and memories, if not also environments, that are unhealthy during the very vulernable time of childbearing and rearing.

This incredible article posted at Sharewik.com last week, entitled, From Toxic Tornado to TurnAround Mom: My God-Given Turnaround, speaks to this very phenomenon.  In it, the author, Carey Sipp, never mentions PPD, but does describe in great detail the intense and dysfunctional environment that plagued the generations before her and describes her determination to put an end to it with her own kids.

Not everyone who suffers from a PMAD has had childhood trauma or has a family or personal history of mental illness.  However, every parent wants the best for their children.  One gift we can give them is to prioritize leaving the past in the past and to create our own stories and traditions by raising our children, and living daily ourselves, in a healthy and calm environment.