Thursday, May 10, 2012

2 until 1

Dear L2,

Your birthday is in two days.  I'm tempted to write a bunch of cliche stuff about how we can't imagine our lives without/before you.  That your sweet baby cheeks and the endless rolls on your thighs are practically edible.  That watching you sleep with your little booty up in the air is just about the most heavenly sight ever.

You know, all those things are true.  But there's so much more to the story...no?  Do you remember when Mama's therapist gave her that good advice while you were still in my belly to view your birth and my postpartum period as a team effort?  Do you remember who was on that team?  It was a duo.  Yep, just me and you.  And, oh, that advice.  That advice was some of the best that I've ever gotten.

We've been through a lot, you and me.  You've spent most of your first year attached to me when you weren't sleeping, and a few times when you were, though you are not the snuggle bug your older brother was.  All the trips to Target, drives to and from L1s school.  Flag football games, dinner parties, and days hanging at the pool.

This year has gone too fast.  I know, I know, everyone says that about their baby's infancy.  And I guess really, their kids' childhoods, in general.  But there is more to this story.  To our story.

You see, after I had your brother, I was sick.  I was really, really unwell.  I won't get into the details, but let's just say that it took a long time for me to be able to "just be" a mom.  For the first few months of his life, I didn't really get the opportunity to take care of your brother.  I couldn't really take care of myself, either.  I spent most of the time in bed, and then once I was physically well, I spent the remainder of the time running about doing everything but be a mom.

Anyway, this time I wanted to be sure that I wasn't isolated.  That I kept on doing all the things that I had been doing before I had two kids.  So we did all those things.  The pool at Memorial Day, concerts, parties, shopping, travel, work.  And who knows exactly which component of all those efforts around staying well that included everything from medication to placenta encapsulation were the "secret".  Regardless, it worked.  Life went on and for the most part all was good and right.

But, as the saying goes, time flies when you are having fun.  When I was ill in 2007, every single minute felt like a day.  Sadly, I wished that first year postpartum would go away and never come back.  You know how when you are sad or sick time moves so slowly?  Well, I've found the opposite to be true, as well.  In my efforts to stay well by creating a very busy, fulfilling life, perhaps I missed out on the little moments.  In the party preparations and trips to the Zoo, I suppose I missed out on the playing on the floor for hours or taking long baths together.

Bittersweet.  This birthday is bittersweet.  A celebration of our mutual wellness.  For sure.  But, also a realization that this time has passed and there is no going back.  That I made it go faster than it had to out of my fear of idle time and living in the moment without distraction.

I'll never know, and so if there is any lesson to be taken from these thoughts at all, for me it is that learning to be comfortable with the things we can't and therefore don't know in life.  Letting go of the past, accepting and celebrating it for what it was.  And it was great, my dear.


HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY, my sweet boy.  It might have gone by fast, but boy was it fabulous.

Love you moon and stars,
Mama

2 comments:

Kimberly said...

I have no words...just tears.
Love and celebration to both of you xoxo

Kristin Novotny said...

*hugs*
Happy Birthday to L2! What a cutie pie.