Thursday, December 6, 2012

In which I admit I escape even from the things I don't want to ignore

I was just on Pinterest.  I know, I know.  BIG shocker, right?  The point is that I'm on Pinterest not because I'm looking for anything.  If you don't consider a time-suck "anything".  It's 6:07pm on a weekday.  This is my one "work day" of the week.  The one where I go into an office, have a staff meeting, and take a shower and everything.  Then I come home and for about an hour and a half I do a bit more work while the sitter watches both kiddos.  When she goes home at 5pm, instead of finding myself renewed and invigorated by my "adults only" day, I count down the minutes to bedtime.

You see, this one day is enough to take me out of my routine.  Out of my sweats and mascara smudged reality and give me a glimpse of what it looks like not to be cleaning up a 5 lb bag of baking soda that L2 dumped out a second ago or managing an intervention that will successfully prevent L1 from executing a full sleeper-hold on L2.  I wrote the other day about anxiety triggers.  And while I hate to admit it, this is my biggest one.  Unscheduled time with both kids.  Ugh.

In these moments, I find myself reaching for my laptop and a glass of wine instead of a puzzle or book. I can rationalize and justify with plenty of gusto, mind you, oftentimes successfully averting guilt around my diversions.  Except, today, when I was pinning, I saw this...

"I have this concern for the future that isn't just mind-heavy, it's heart-heavy. Because I am so passionate about authentic connection and sometimes really quickly, that's going away and I don't think that's dramatic. I think it's the truth." - on owning our time in a technology driven world.

It was on Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary's Pinterest Board.  And it spoke to me.  Sure, it spoke to me in ways that drove me here to click "New Post", rather than to the floor to play with my youngest or the couch to read to my 5 year old.  But, pause I did.  And I do now as I consider how to move forward, balancing my anxiety and my need and deep, deep desire to be the mom my children so deserve.


Bonnie said...

Oh, Amber, you are the Mom your children have and that is enough! You love them and you are there. You show them Mom's are human too, not super saints. Loving yourself as much as you love them is a good role model.

Jess B. said...

Thank you for being real and sharing real thoughts that others of us have but without the guts to share. It is a struggle many of us have and I often find myself escaping in front of the computer with them all at my heels. I am trying to work toward the 10 minutes per child twice per day special time and when I do that, I find it helps all the stars align. It forces me outside and on the floor. I often am unsuccessful at said special time, but it helps to have something to strive for. You are a wonderful mother with very young children who require a ton of energy. You deserve a Pinterest board and a glass of wine now and then. :)